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SEX

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see: "THE BODY"
see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for other related links


-

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,
provided you can get between the right man and
the right woman.
--Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935— )
American actor, screenwriter, and director.


Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your
chances of a date on Saturday night.
--Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935— )
American actor, screenwriter, and director.


Sex without love is an empty gesture.
But as empty gestures go, it is one
of the best
--Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935— )
American actor, screenwriter, and director.


Remember, if you smoke after
sex you're doing it too fast.
--Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935— )
American actor, screenwriter, and director.


A fast word about oral contraception.
I asked a girl to go to bed with me
and she said "no."
--Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935— )
American actor, screenwriter, and director.
Reportedly said at a Washington, D.C.
nightclub in April of 1965.

-

Hooray! Hooray!
The first of May;
Outdoor screwing
Begins today!
--American Folk Rhyme

No more deadly curse has ever been given by nature to
man than carnal pleasure. There is no criminal purpose
and no evil deed which the lust for pleasure will not
drive man to undertake.
--Archytas of Tarentum (400—347 B.C.)
Greek scientist, philosopher, and Pythagorean mathematician.

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason
that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty
things from time to time.
--Honorι de Balzac (1799—1850)
French journalist and writer.
_Physiologie du Mariage_ [1829]

-

I'm as pure as the driven slush.
--Tallulah Bankhead (1903—1968)
American actress.


I don't know what I am, darling. I've tried several varieties
of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic.
And the others give me either stiff neck or lockjaw.
--Tallulah Bankhead (1903—1968)
American actress.
In Les Israel _Miss Tallulah Bankhead_ [1972].

-

Over the decades, _Cosmopolitan_ has printed literally
thousands of surefire techniques for driving men insane
with passion.

... [But] _Cosmopolitan_ is making this issue way more
complicated than it actually is. I mean, we're talking
about MEN here. You don't need rocket science to drive
them wild in bed: All you need to do is to get in there
with them. Or, just leave them alone for awhile. Because
men don't need much. Using a complex, sophisticated
technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet
French meal for a Labrador retriever.

--Dave Barry (1947— )
American humorist.
_Boogers Are My Beat_ [2003]


The biggest myth is that as you grow older, you gradually lose your
interest in sex. This myth probably got started because younger
people seem to want to have sex with each other at every available
opportunity including traffic lights, whereas older people are more
likely to reserve their sexual activities for special occasions such
as the installation of a new pope.
--Dave Barry (1947— )
American humorist.
_Boogers Are My Beat_ [2003]

-

Children always assume the sexual lives
of their parents come to a grinding halt
at their conception.
--Alan Bennett (1934— )
English actor and playwright.
_Getting On" [1972]

You'll have to ask somebody older than me.
(When asked at age 97 at what age the sex drive goes.)
--Eubie Blake (1883—1983)
American ragtime pianist.
In _Ned Sherrin in his Anecdotage_ [1993].

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand
why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
--L.M. [Louis Malcolm] Boyd (1927—2007)
American newspaper columnist.

I can remember when the air
was clean and sex was dirty.
--George Burns [Nathan Birnbaum] (1896—1996)
American comedian.

If you can't laugh together in bed, the chances are
you are incompatible anyway. I'd rather hear a girl
laugh well than try to turn me on with long, silent,
soulful, secret looks. If you can laugh with a woman,
everything else falls into place.
--Richard Burton [Richard Walter Jenkins Jr.] (1925—1984)
Welsh stage and motion-picture actor.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as
you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
--Mrs. Patrick Campbell [Beatrice Stella Tanner] (1865—1940)
British stage actress.
In Daphne Fielding _The Duchess of Jermyn Street_ [1964].

^

When he was eighty, the late Spanish cellist Pablo Casals was
warned that consummating his marriage with his new young
wife might prove fatal. 'If she dies, she dies,' he replied.
_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex"

^

^^

Lord William Cecil, son of the Prime Minister Lord Salisbury, and Bishop
of Exeter, was well-known for his superb chef and his marvellous cellar.
At one dinner party, the woman sitting next to him was surprised (and
perturbed) to notice that, while everyone else's glasses were lavishly
filled, the butler always passed her by. In the end she tackled her host,
asking whether she might also be allowed a glass of wine.

The Bishop apologised profusely, and the butler was ordered to fill her
glass. 'But I'm afraid it was I who gave the order that you should not
be given any wine. You see, I understood that you were the Secretary
of the local Temperance Society.'

'Oh no, dear Bishop,' she replied. 'I am the Secretary of the Chastity
League.'

'Ah, that was it,' he said. 'I knew there was *something* you didn't do.

_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Church and Clergy"

^^

The pleasure is momentary, the position
ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
--attributed to Lord Chesterfield [Philip Dormer Stanhope] (1694—1773)
British writer and politician.

We don't know much of Phallos, the Greek.
He engaged seven sluts for a week.
But the two who survived,
Upon being revived,
Were too flabbergasted to speak.
--John Ciardi (1916—1986)
American poet, translator, and etymologist.

The girls in Canadian lap dancing bars are allowed to remove
all their clothes and touch the customers, but while this
is undoubtedly a Good Thing, we should remember that
Canada is home to 87% of all the world's mosquitoes.
--Jeremy Clarkson (1960— )
British journalist and broadcaster.
In "Sunday Times" [18 July 1999].

^

Calvin Coolidge (1872—1933), 30th
President of the United States [1923—1929].

President and Mrs. Coolidge, visiting a government
farm, were taken around on separate tours. At the
chicken pens Mrs. Coolidge paused to inquire of the
overseer whether the rooster copulated more than
once a day. 'Dozens of times,' said the man. 'Tell
that to the President,' requested Mrs. Coolidge.
The President came past the pens and was told
about the rooster. 'Same hen every time?' he asked.
'Oh no, a different one each time.' Coolidge nodded.
'Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,' he said.

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andrι Bernard [2000 ed.]

^

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-
old girl. Walter has always wanted to go that way,
but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a
70-year-old.
--Betsy Cronkite (1916—2005)

may i feel said he
i'll squeal said she
just once said he
it's fun said she
may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he
why not said she
let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she
--E.E. (Edward Estlin) Cummings (1894—1962)
American poet.
"may i feel said he" [1930's]

Unfortunately, this world is full of people who
are ready to think the worst when they see a man
sneaking out of the wrong bedroom in the middle
of the night.
--Will Cuppy (1884—1949)
American humorist and journalist.

-

I'm gettin' old, it's hard to face.
During sex I lose my place.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair.
I have 'em both the same way — very rare.
--Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen]
(1921—2004) American comedian.


If it weren't for pickpockets,
I'd have no sex life at all.
--Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen]
(1921—2004) American comedian.

^

Chauncey Depew (1834—1928)
American lawyer, politician, and wit.

When Chauncey Depew was quite old, he
was sitting at dinner next to a young woman
wearing a very low-cut, off-the-shoulder
dress. The old lawyer peered at her
dιcolletage, leaned toward her, and
asked, "My dear, what is keeping that
dress on you?" "Only your age, Mr. Depew."

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andrι Bernard [2000 ed.]

^

"Someday My Prince Will Come," said Snow
White, changing hands for the fifth time.
--English Catch Phrase

Blanche - I think we've slept together once.
Adrian - I don't remember.
Blanche - At the opera, during Berenice.
--Ronald Firbank (1886—1926)
British novelist.
"The Princess Zoubaroff"

Older women are best because they always
think they may be doing it for the last
time.
--Ian Fleming (1908—1964)
English thriller writer.
In John Pearson _The Life of Ian Fleming_ [1966].

^

--Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919— )
Hungarian-born film actress.

Asked how many husbands she had had,
Miss Gabor looked puzzled. "You mean
apart from my own?" she inquired.

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andrι Bernard [2000 ed.]


Personally I know nothing about sex because
I've always been married.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919— )
Hungarian-born film actress.
In "Observer" [16 August 1987].

^

No girl should permit a boy to be so familiar as to
toy with her hands, or play with her rings; to handle
her curls, or encircle her waist with his arm. Such
impudent intimacy should never be tolerated for a
moment.
--Alex M. Gow,
_Good Morals and Gentle Manners_ [1873]

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're
impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
--Cary Grant [Alexander Archibald Leach]
(1904—1986) English actor.
[At age 72.]

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex,
there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not
have sex with the authorities.
--Matt Groening (1954— )
American cartoonist, creator of "The Simpsons."

Love causes more pain than pleasure. Pleasure is only
illusory. Reason would command us to avoid love, if it
were not for the fatal sexual impulse — therefore it
were best to be castrated.
--Karl von Hartmann (1842—1906)
German metaphysical philosopher.
_Philosophe des Unbewursten_ [1869]

-

"I Like Them Fluffy"
by Sir A.P. (Alan Patrick) Herbert (1890—1971),
English writer and humorist.

Some like them gentle and sweet,
Some like them haughty and proud,
Some of us like them petite,
And some of us love the whole crowd;
Some will insist upon grace,
And some will make a point of the pelf,
But, to take a particular case,
I do like them fluffy myself:

I like them fluffy, I freely confess,
With fluffy blue eyes and a fluffy blue dress,
With fair fluffy hair, like Love-in-a-mist,
And lips that declare "I want to be kissed";
With fluffy soft cheeks, like plums on a wall,
With a fluffy soft heart — and no brains at all.

Some like a girl that's well-read,
Some like a shingle or crop,
But I don't care what's in her head,
If there's plenty of hair on the top.
Give me the frivolous locks,
Give me the Gaiety Queen,
Give me the Chocolate Box,
And give me the Girls' Magazine!

I like them fluffy — I know it's bad taste —
With fluffy soft looks and a flower at the waist,
With golden hair flying, like mist round the moon;
And lips that seem sighing, "You must kiss me soon,"
Not huffy, or stuffy, not tiny or tall,
But fluffy, just fluffy, with no brains at all.

Brains are all right in their place,
But Oh, it's a shock to the heart
If the lady postpones an embrace
To enquire your opinions on Art
And to-day, as I paused on the brink,
I own I was slightly annoyed
When she sighed and said, "What do you think
Of the basic assumptions of FREUD?"

"I like them fluffy," I gently replied,
"Not huffy, or stuffy, or puffy with pride,
With downy soft eyebrows and artful blue eyes,
The kind that the highbrows pretend to despise,
With fluffy complexions, like plums on a wall,
And fluffy opinions, and no brains at all."

-

I'm not against half naked girls — not
as often as I'd like to be.
--Benny Hill [Alfred Hawthorne Hill]
(1924—1992)
British comedian.

When I hear his steps outside my door I lie
down on my bed, close my eyes, open my
legs, and think of England.
--Alice Marian Mills (nιe Harbord-Hamond), Lady Hillingdon (1857—1940)
Wife of 2nd Baron Hillingdon; daughter of 5th Baron Suffield.
[Diary 1912]
(Originally untraced, perhaps apocryphal, in J. Gathorne-Hardy
_The Rise and Fall of the British Nanny_ [1972].)

They are doing things on the screen now
that I wouldn't do in bed, if I could.
--Bob [Leslie Townes] Hope (1903—2003)
British-born American entertainer and actor.
1965 attributed remark.

First it was passion, then it became duty,
and finally an intolerable burden.
--Carl Gustav Jung (1875—1961)
Swiss psychologist.
"Marriage as a Psychological Relationship" [1925]
in _The Development of Personality_.

It would be less demanding, enslaving, perplexing
and strenuous for a healthy male to screw a
thousand women in his lifetime than to try to
please one, and the potential for failure would
be less.
--Irma Kurtz
Journalist and author

In every animal...a more frequent and continuous use of any organ
gradually strengthens, develops and enlarges that organ...while the
permanent disuse of any organ imperceptibly weakens and deteriorates
it, and progressively diminishes its functional capacity, until it finally
disappears.
--Jean-Baptiste de Monet Lamarck (1744—1829)
French biologist.
_Philosophie zoologique_ (Zoological Philosophy) [1809], pt. II, ch. 7

Women complain about sex more often than men.
Their gripes fall into two major categories:
(1) Not enough, (2) Too much.
--Ann Landers [Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer]
(1918—2002) Advice columnist.
_Truth Is Stranger_ [1968]

Enough with the boner pill ads. These pills were
intended to be marketed toward those with a medical
necessity, not as Love Potion #9. If you have
occasional trouble getting it up for the wife, try
the natural method: Close your eyes and pretend
she's the babysitter.
--Bill Maher (1956— )
American comedian and author.
_New Rules_ [2005], "Rx Shun"

The only way to resolve a situation with a girl
is to jump on her and things will work out.
--Lee Marvin (1924—1987)
American film actor.

-

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good
book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog
to go somewhere and read the book, I might have
a little fun!
--Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895—1977)
American film comedian.


I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day
before she was a virgin.
--Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895—1977)
American film comedian.
Quoted in Max Wilk _The Wit and Wisdom of Hollywood_.


Groucho to Tallulah Bankhead: "Let's fool around."
Tallulah: "No. And that's the first time I've enjoyed saying no."
Groucho: "That's the first time I've enjoyed hearing it."


During his stint as comedian on a show called
"You Bet Your Life," Groucho interviewed many
participants. On one occasion he interviewed a
Mrs. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two
children. 'I love my husband,' Mrs. Story said
enthusiastically. 'I like my cigar, too,' said
Groucho, 'but I take it out once in a while.'

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andrι Bernard [2000 ed.]

(That remark, like many others, had to be cut before the broadcast. On
average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about twenty-six
minutes of broadcast.)

-

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who
never committed adultery, are now extinct.
--W. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965)
English novelist, playwright, and short-story writer.
_The Bread Winner_, sc iii [1930 play]

I think men talk to women so they can
sleep with them and women sleep with
men so they can talk to them.
--Jay McInerney (1955— )
American writer.
_Brightness Falls_ [1992]

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want
to and he couldn't.
--Spike [Terence Alan] Milligan (1918—2002)
Irish novelist, poet, musician, and comedian.

-

Then there was that plea lodged in Catalonia by a
wife as plaintiff against her husband's excessively
assiduous love-making: not I think because she was
actually troubled by it . . . but rather to have a
pretext for pruning back and curbing the authority
of husbands over their wives even in the very deed
which forms the basic act of marriage, and also to
show that the nagging and spitefulness of wives
extend over the marriage-bed and trample under
heel the sweet delights of Venus.

Her husband, a really depraved brute of a fellow,
made the rejoinder that even on days of abstinence
he could not manage with less than ten times.
Whereupon intervened that notable judgement of the
Queen of Aragon: after mature deliberation in her
counsel, that good Queen (wishing to provide for all
time an example of the moderation required in a
proper marriage and a measuring-rod for temperance)
ordained that it is necessary to limit and restrict
intercourse to six times a day — sacrificing much of
women's needs and surrendering many of their desires
in order to establish a scale which would be
unexacting and therefore durable and unchanging.

At which the doctors exclaim: "If that is the rate
assessed by a reasoned moral reformation, what
must be the lusts and the appetites of women?"

--Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533—1592)
French moralist and essayist.
_Essays_, Book III [1580], Ch. 5

-

Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th Century.
--Malcolm Muggeridge (1903—1990)
British writer, broadcaster, and journalist.
In _New York Times Magazine_ [24 March 1968].


The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus
of longing and the image of fulfilment.
--Malcolm Muggeridge (1903—1990)
British writer, broadcaster, and journalist.
_Tread Softly_ [1966]

-

A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen;
She was not over-sexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
--Ogden Nash (1902—1971)
American writer of humorous poetry.

When seen
obscene
when heard
absurd
but done
great fun.
--John O'Mill

There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380SL
convertible.
--P.J. O'Rourke (1947— )
American political satirist.

-

One more drink and I'll be under the host.
--Dorothy Parker (1893—1967)
American critic and humorist.


If all the girls attending the Yale-Harvard game were
laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
--Dorothy Parker (1893—1967)
American critic and humorist.


Tell him I've been too f**king busy — or vice versa.
--Dorothy Parker (1893—1967)
American critic and humorist.
When asked why she had not delivered her copy on time.

-

There were men, and there were women. He was clear on
that. Sam Vimes was an uncomplicated man when it came
to what the poets called "the lists of love.*

---footnote----

*He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery:
It fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full
of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and
sometimes when they were hungry they created vast
banquets in their imagination — but at the end of the day
they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips, if it was
well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.

--Terry Pratchett (1948— )
English science fiction writer.
_The Fifth Elephant_

^

In 1976 Dr Brian Richards of Deal in Kent discovered one of the great
love stories of all time, while in Regent's Park, London.

He came across a semi-clad gentleman who had slipped a disc while
enjoying himself in the back of a sports car with his girl-friend.

Since the man was transfixed with agony, his girl-friend was unable to
get out for help. In desperation she jammed her foot against the hooter
button.

This attracted Dr Richards, an ambulanceman, a fireman and a large
crowd of passers-by who formed a circle around the car. 'You'll never
get them out of there,' said the fireman who then set about cutting the
back off the car.

Trained for desperate situations, two women voluntary workers arrived
and began serving hot sweet tea through the window. 'It was like the
blitz,' one of them commented.

Eventually, the lover was carried off in agony. Ambulancemen told the
girl-friend that his recovery prospects were good. 'Sod him,' she
replied. 'What's worrying me is how I shall explain to my husband
what's happened to his car.'

_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex"

^

A man can sleep around, no questions
asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
--Joan Rivers (1935— )
American comedian and talk-show host.

Love is two minutes fifty-two
seconds of squishing noises.
--Johnny Rotten [John Lydon] (1956— )
British rock singer.
In "Daily Mirror" [1983].

As I grow older and older
And totter towards the tomb,
I find that I care less and less
Who goes to bed with whom.
--Dorothy L. Sayers (1893—1957)
English writer of detective fiction.

-

Is it not strange that desire should
so many years outlive performance?
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_Henry IV_ [1597] pt. 2


It [drink] provokes the desire, but it
takes away the performance.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_Macbeth_ [1606], act II, sc. iii

-

SHAW (to a woman seated next to him at a
dinner party): Madam, if I gave you a million
pounds, would you have sexual intercourse
with me?
WOMAN (after some thought): I think I would.
SHAW: Would you do it for a fiver?
WOMAN: What kind of woman do you think I am?
SHAW: I thought we had established that, and
were merely haggling over the price.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925.

Traditionally, men used power to gain sex, and
women used sex to gain power.
--Thomas Szasz (1920— )
American psychiatrist.
"Men and Women" in _Heresies_ [1976]

If I don't feel like wearing a bra I don't wear one.
I'd never let my nipples show at a state function
— I'd be frightened the old men would have heart
attacks.
--Margaret Trudeau (1948— )
Wife of the 15th Prime Minister of
Canada, Pierre Trudeau.

Every man has an Achilles' Heel, located not
on his foot but in his crotch.
--Barbara G. Walker

-

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.


Let's forget about the six feet and talk
about the seven inches.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
When told that a new male acquaintance was 6' 7."


Is that a gun in your pocket, or
are you just glad to see me?
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
In Joseph Weintraub _Peel Me a Grape_ [1975].


I feel like a million tonight —
but one at a time.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.


March isn't the only thing that's in
like a lion and out like a lamb.
--Mae West? (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.


Listen, when women go wrong,
men go right after them.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
"She Done Him Wrong" [1933 film]


It's not the men in my life that
counts — it's the life in my men.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
"I'm No Angel" [1933 film]


Men like women with a past — because
they hope history will repeat itself.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
"A Way With Words" ed. Jim Koch,
in _New York Times_ [15 August 1993].


I consider sex a misdemeanor, the
more I miss, de meaner I get.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.

-

Studies in which men and women were asked to rank
their pleasures in order of enjoyment show repeatedly
that whereas sex is the favorite for most men, many
women prefer knitting.
--Dr. Glenn Wilson

-

In my state [Texas] they really raise hell about the new
[more open sexual] morality. This one old geezer said he
was against it for three reasons. 'First, it's against the
law of nature. Second, it's destructive of family living.
And third, I ain't getting none of it.'
--anon., in James Michener
"The Revolution in Middle-Class Values"
_New York Times Magazine_ [18 August 1968].

"Son, you've GOT to stop doing that! You'll go blind!"
"Dad, I'm over here!"
--anon.

Did you know the male bee is nothing but the slave
of the queen? And once the male bee has — how
should I say — serviced the queen, the male dies.
All in all, not a bad system.
--dialogue, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
[Phyllis Lindstrom played by Cloris Leachman]

Masochist: "Hurt me!"
Sadist: "No."

Jean Harlow: I was reading a book the other day . . . the guy said
machinery is going to take the place of every profession.
Marie Dressler: Oh, my dear, that's something you'll never have to
worry about.

-

Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing":

Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let this be an awful warning
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right
Now they do it morn and night
Uncle Jack is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing
Ovaltine is a damned good thing.

--anon.

-

One rises to meet the challenge!
--007 in "GoldenEye"

The difference between erotic and kinky is that
one uses a feather, the other uses the whole
chicken.
--anon.

She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it
was honor and offer.
--anon.

-

Addendum To The Ten Commandments - anon.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife,
Nor the ox her husband bought her;
But thank the Lord you're not forbidden
to covet your neighbor's daughter.

-

A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign over the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
'The customer always comes first'
--anon.


THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.
--anon.


The limerick's form is complex.
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins
And prurient urgings
And drips with erotic effects.
--unknown, quoted in Richard Lederer,
_The Cunning Linguist_ [2003]


A mortician who practiced in Fife,
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
'How would I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge,
Just the same as she'd acted in life.'
--anon.

--

For a fortnight, 24 women and 22 men kept diaries of how often they
engaged in various forms of sex.

Then they underwent a stress test involving public speaking and
performing mental arithmetic out loud.

Volunteers who had had penetrative intercourse were found to be the
least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than
those who had engaged in other forms of sexual activity such as
masturbation.... Dr Brody found that the effect remained even after
taking differences in personality and other health-related factors into
account.

--"Sex cuts public speaking stress.", _BBC_ [26 January 2006]

--

--

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody
caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much
for a season pass?”

--

--

As the dog crosses the railroad track a speeding
train roars down on the unsuspecting canine. All
but the tip of the dog's tail clears the track.
The train clips the tail and the severed tip falls
between the rails.

As the dog turns and is about to sniff that portion
of lost anatomy by stretching his head over the rail
along comes another train and decapitates the poor
creature.

Not much of a story but one that contains an
admonishment for all men.

Never loose your head over a little piece of tail.

--

TOPICAL

"Bad for the Health, but No One Dare Say So"
By Danielle Crittenden
_The Wall Street Journal_ [14 December 2006],
reviewing "Unprotected" [2006] by Anonymous

"My patients were hurting, they looked to me and what could I do?" So
confesses an anonymous campus physician in the beginning of her startling
memoir. Over the course of 200 pages, she tells story after story about
suffering young women. If these women were ailing from eating disorders,
or substance abuse, or almost any other medical or psychological problem,
their university health departments would spring to their aid. "Cardiologists
hound patients about fatty diets and insufficient exercise. Pediatricians
encourage healthy snacks, helmets and discussion of drugs and alcohol.
Everyone condemns smoking and tanning beds."

Unfortunately, the young women described in "Unprotected" have fallen victim
to one of the few personal troubles that our caring professions refuse to treat
or even acknowledge: They have been made miserable by their "sexual choices."
And on that subject, few modern doctors dare express a word of judgment.

Thus the danger of sexually transmitted diseases is too often overlooked in
the lifestyle choices of the young women at the unnamed college where the
author works. But the dangers go far beyond the biological. A girl named Heather,
for instance, has succumbed to an intense bout of depression. The doctor
presses her to think of possible causes. She can't think of anything. Then
she says: "Well, I can think of one thing: since Thanksgiving, I've had a
'friend with benefits.' And actually I'm kind of confused about that."

Heather continues: "I want to spend more time with him, and do stuff like
go shopping or see a movie. That would make it a friendship for me. But he
says no, because if we do those things, then in his opinion we'd have a
relationship -- and that's more than he wants. And I'm confused, because it
seems like I don't get the 'friend' part, but he still gets the 'benefits.'" It
finally dawns on her: "I'm really unhappy about that. It's hard to be with
him and then go home and be alone."

Heather is not an unrepresentative case. The author meets patients who
cannot sleep, who mutilate themselves, who exhibit every symptom of
psychic distress. Often they don't even know why they feel the way they
do. As these girls see it, they are acting like sensible, responsible adults:
They practice "safe sex" and limit their partners to a mere two or three
per year.

They are following the best advice that modern psychology can offer. They
are enjoying their sexual freedom, experimenting, discovering themselves.
They can't understand what might be wrong. And yet something is wrong.
As the author observes, surveys have found that "sexually active teenage
girls were more than three times as likely to be depressed, and nearly three
times as likely to have had a suicide attempt, than girls who were not sexually
active."

And should all this joyous experimentation end in externally verifiable effects
— should girls find themselves afflicted with a disease or an unwanted
pregnancy — then (and only then) do their campus "women's health"
departments go to work for them. They will book the abortion, hand out a
condom or prescribe a course of antibiotic treatment. And then they will
pat their young patients on the shoulder and send them back into the world,
without an admonishing word about the conduct that got them into trouble in
the first place.

"Look at how different health decisions are valued," the author advises.
"When Stacey avoids fatty foods she is being health conscious....When she
stays away from alcohol, she is being responsible and resisting her impulses.
For all these she is endorsed for keeping long-term goals in mind instead of
giving in to peer pressure and immediate gratification. But if she makes a
conscious decision to delay sexual activity, she's simply 'not sexually active'
— given no praise or endorsement."

If anything, the more "transgressive" the behavior, the greater the reluctance
to judge. On a University of Michigan Web site, "'external water sports' is
described as a type of 'safer sex.'" (The phrase has nothing to do with a
swimming pool.) At Virginia Commonwealth University, "cross-dressing is
called a 'recreational activity.'" The sexual advice blog "Go Ask Alice,"
sponsored by Columbia University, provides helpful hints to students on
mιnages ΰ trois ("Nothing wrong with giving it a try, so long as you're all
practicing safer sex"), swing-club etiquette and phone sex ("Getting Started").

When the author treats Brian, a young homosexual man who is engaged in
"high-risk behavior with multiple people," she discovers that, by policy, she
cannot insist that he be tested for HIV. And if he were to submit to voluntary
testing, and the tests were to prove positive, she would not be allowed to
report this information to the local department of health — although of course
she would be required to do so if he had contracted any other communicable
disease. Isn't promoting health, even saving lives, "worth the risk of feeling
judged?" Apparently not.

And yet, not all judgments are to be avoided. The author of this vivid and urgent
book has published it anonymously precisely because she fears that if her
employers and colleagues heard her unwelcome views, they would judge her
negatively — and punish her, personally and professionally. The anonymity,
however understandable, is a shame: Her cause could use a visible and
vocal crusader.

Ms. Crittenden is the author of "What our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness
Eludes The Modern Woman."

----

amative [AM-uh-tiv], adjective:
Pertaining to or disposed to love, especially
sexual love; full of love; amorous.

concupiscence (noun) [kahn-kyκ-'pi-shκnts]
A powerful lust, especially sexual, for something.

epicene [EP-uh-seen], adjective:
1. Having the characteristics of both sexes.
2. Effeminate; unmasculine.
3. Sexless; neuter.
4. (Linguistics) Having but one form of the
noun for both the male and the female.

lascivious (adj.) [lζ-'si-vi-yκs]
Lustful, lewd, wanton; eliciting or expressing carnal desire.

lubricious [loo-BRISH-us], adjective:
1. Lustful; lewd.
2. Stimulating or appealing to sexual desire
or imagination.
3. Having a slippery or smooth quality.

paucity (noun)
Dearth: an inadequacy or lack of something

salacious (adjective) [sκ-'ley-shκs]
Arousing or appealing to sexual desire or imagination; lewd,
lascivious.

sultry (adjective) ['sκl-tri]
1. Oppressively hot and humid, sweltering, steamy;
2. Oppressively hot and dry, as a sultry summer sun;
3. Voluptuous and mysterious, arousing lust (when
associated with a woman)


end page



| SACRED - SANTA CLAUS | SARCASM - SCHOOL | SCIENCE - SCULPTURE | SEA (THE) - SEEING | SELF - SELF-ESTEEM | SELF-EXAMINATION - SEMANTICS | SENATE (THE U.S.) - SERIOUSNESS | SEX | SEX SYMBOLS - SHEEP | SHIPS - SILENCE | SILLINESS - SINGING | SINGLE-MINDEDNESS - SKY | SLANDER - SMILES | SMOKING - SOCIETY | SOLDIERS - SOPHISTICATION | SORROW - SOUTH SEA | SPACE - SPEAKING | SPEECH - SPENDTHRIFTS | SPIDERS - SPY | SPORTS & SPORTSMANSHIP | STAGE (THE) - STERILIZATION | STOCK MARKET - STRANGERS | STRENGTH - SUBURBS | SUCCESS | SUFFERING - SUPREME COURT | SURPRISE - SYSTEM (THE) |
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