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;void(0)) SEX . . . see: "THE BODY" see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for other related links Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never go to bed with a woman whose troubles are greater than your own. --Nelson Algren (19091981) American novelist. _A Walk on the Wild Side_ [1956] "What Every Young Man Should Know" - Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. --attributed to Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (b. 1935) American actor, screenwriter, and director. [Of bisexuality:] It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. --Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (b. 1935) American actor, screenwriter, and director. Quoted in "N.Y. Times" [1 December 1975]. [Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen), responding to 'Sex without love is an empty experience:] Yes, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best! --Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (b. 1935) American actor, screenwriter, and director. "Love and Death" [1975 film] Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. --Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935 ) American actor, screenwriter, and director. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no." --Woody Allen [Allen Stewart Konigsberg] (1935 ) American actor, screenwriter, and director. Reportedly said at a Washington, D.C. nightclub in April of 1965. - Hooray! Hooray! The first of May; Outdoor screwing Begins today! --American Folk Rhyme Sex is a momentary itch, Love never lets you go. --Sir Kingsley Amis (19221995) English novelist, poet, critic, and father of Martin Amis In _Collected Poems, 1944-1979_ [1980]. No more deadly curse has ever been given by nature to man than carnal pleasure. There is no criminal purpose and no evil deed which the lust for pleasure will not drive man to undertake. --Archytas of Tarentum (400347 B.C.) Greek scientist, philosopher, and Pythagorean mathematician. Erection is chiefy caused by parsnips, artichokes, turnips, asparagus, candied ginger, acorns bruised to a powder drunk in muscatel. --Aristotle (384322 B.C.) Greek philosopher. _Nicomachean Ethics_ [c. 350 B.C.] It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. --Honor้ de Balzac (17991850) French journalist and writer. _Physiologie du Mariage_ [1829] - I'm as pure as the driven slush. --Tallulah Bankhead (19031968) American actress. I don't know what I am, darling. I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others give me either stiff neck or lockjaw. --Tallulah Bankhead (19031968) American actress. In Les Israel _Miss Tallulah Bankhead_ [1972]. - Over the decades, _Cosmopolitan_ has printed literally thousands of surefire techniques for driving men insane with passion. ... [But] _Cosmopolitan_ is making this issue way more complicated than it actually is. I mean, we're talking about MEN here. You don't need rocket science to drive them wild in bed: All you need to do is to get in there with them. Or, just leave them alone for awhile. Because men don't need much. Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever. --Dave Barry (1947 ) American humorist. _Boogers Are My Beat_ [2003] The biggest myth is that as you grow older, you gradually lose your interest in sex. This myth probably got started because younger people seem to want to have sex with each other at every available opportunity including traffic lights, whereas older people are more likely to reserve their sexual activities for special occasions such as the installation of a new pope. --Dave Barry (1947 ) American humorist. _Boogers Are My Beat_ [2003] - - [Suggested epitaph for a movie star:] She sleeps alone at last. --Robert Benchley (18891945) American humorist and newspaper columnist. Quoted in Edmund Fuller _2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions_ [1943]. [On his sharing a small office with Dorothy Parker:] One cubic foot less and it would have been adulterous. --Robert Benchley (18891945) American humorist and newspaper columnist. Quoted in "New Yorker" [5 January 1946]. - Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception. --Alan Bennett (1934 ) English actor and playwright. _Getting On" [1972] [When asked at age 97 at what age the sex drive ends:] You'll have to ask somebody older than me. --Eubie Blake (18831983) American ragtime pianist. Quoted in Ned Sherrin _Ned Sherrin in his anecdotage_ [1993]. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one. --L.M. [Louis Malcolm] Boyd (19272007) American newspaper columnist. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. --George Burns [Nathan Birnbaum] (18961996) American comedian. If you can't laugh together in bed, the chances are you are incompatible anyway. I'd rather hear a girl laugh well than try to turn me on with long, silent, soulful, secret looks. If you can laugh with a woman, everything else falls into place. --Richard Burton [Richard Walter Jenkins Jr.] (19251984) Welsh stage and motion-picture actor. Does it really matter what these affectionate people do so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses! --Mrs. Patrick Campbell [Beatrice Stella Tanner] (18651940) British stage actress. When told of a homosexual affair between two actors. Quoted in Alan Dent _Mrs. Patrick Campbell_ [1961]. ^ When he was eighty, the late Spanish cellist Pablo Casals was warned that consummating his marriage with his new young wife might prove fatal. 'If she dies, she dies,' he replied. _The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex" ^ ^^ Lord William Cecil, son of the Prime Minister Lord Salisbury, and Bishop of Exeter, was well-known for his superb chef and his marvellous cellar. At one dinner party, the woman sitting next to him was surprised (and perturbed) to notice that, while everyone else's glasses were lavishly filled, the butler always passed her by. In the end she tackled her host, asking whether she might also be allowed a glass of wine. The Bishop apologised profusely, and the butler was ordered to fill her glass. 'But I'm afraid it was I who gave the order that you should not be given any wine. You see, I understood that you were the Secretary of the local Temperance Society.' 'Oh no, dear Bishop,' she replied. 'I am the Secretary of the Chastity League.' 'Ah, that was it,' he said. 'I knew there was *something* you didn't do. _The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Church and Clergy" ^^ The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. --attributed to Lord Chesterfield [Philip Dormer Stanhope] (16941773) British writer and politician. According to _Quote-Unquote_: "The earliest citation so far found dates from 1910 but without the attribution to Chesterfield. In fact, it may just have been a saying, known in the 19th century but with the ascription grafted on in the 1920s/30s." We don't know much of Phallos, the Greek. He engaged seven sluts for a week. But the two who survived, Upon being revived, Were too flabbergasted to speak. --John Ciardi (19161986) American poet, translator, and etymologist. The girls in Canadian lap dancing bars are allowed to remove all their clothes and touch the customers, but while this is undoubtedly a Good Thing, we should remember that Canada is home to 87% of all the world's mosquitoes. --Jeremy Clarkson (1960 ) British journalist and broadcaster. In "Sunday Times" [18 July 1999]. In the sex-war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male, vindictiveness of the female. --Cyril Connolly (19031974) English writer. _The Unquiet Grave_ [1944] ^ Calvin Coolidge (18721933), 30th President of the United States [19231929]. President and Mrs. Coolidge, visiting a government farm, were taken around on separate tours. At the chicken pens Mrs. Coolidge paused to inquire of the overseer whether the rooster copulated more than once a day. 'Dozens of times,' said the man. 'Tell that to the President,' requested Mrs. Coolidge. The President came past the pens and was told about the rooster. 'Same hen every time?' he asked. 'Oh no, a different one each time.' Coolidge nodded. 'Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,' he said. --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy. --Quentin Crisp [Denis Pratt] (19081999) English writer. _Manners from Heaven_ (written with John Hofsess) [1985] Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year- old girl. Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old. --Betsy Cronkite (19162005) may i feel said he i'll squeal said she just once said he it's fun said she may i touch said he how much said she a lot said he why not said she let's go said he not too far said she what's too far said he where you are said she --E.E. (Edward Estlin) Cummings (18941962) American poet. "may i feel said he" [1930's] Unfortunately, this world is full of people who are ready to think the worst when they see a man sneaking out of the wrong bedroom in the middle of the night. --Will Cuppy (18841949) American humorist and journalist. - I'm gettin' old, it's hard to face. During sex I lose my place. Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have 'em both the same way very rare. --Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen] (19212004) American comedian. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. --Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen] (19212004) American comedian. - [Robert Gold (Dirk Bogarde), speaking to Diana Scott (Julie Christie):] Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. --"Darling" [1965] Screenplay by Frederic Raphael. - [Of a starlet:] There, standing at the piano, was the original good time who had been had by all. --Bette Davis (Ruth Elizabeth Davis) (19081989) American actress. Quoted in Leslie Halliwell _The Filmgoer's Book of Quotes_ [1973]. & note: [On Marilyn Monroe:] She's the original good time that was had by all. --Bette Davis (Ruth Elizabeth Davis) (19081989) American actress. Quoted in Gene Shalit _Great Hollywood Wit_, p. 14 [2003]. - ^ Chauncey Depew (18341928) American lawyer, politician, and wit. When Chauncey Depew was quite old, he was sitting at dinner next to a young woman wearing a very low-cut, off-the-shoulder dress. The old lawyer peered at her d้colletage, leaned toward her, and asked, "My dear, what is keeping that dress on you?" "Only your age, Mr. Depew." --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days until the condition clears up. --attributed to Peter De Vries (19101993) American editor and novelist. - Wild Nights!Wild Nights! Were I with thee Wild nights should be Our luxury! Futilethe Winds To a Heart in port Done with the Compass Done with the Chart! Rowing in Eden Ah, the Sea! Might I but MoorTonight In Thee! --Emily Dickinson (18301886) American poet. "Wild Nights" [c. 1861] - Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world, a fact. --Marlene Dietrich [Marie Magdalene Von Losch] (19011992) German-born film actress. Between 19431946 she made more than 500 appearances before Allied troops. _Marlene Dietrich's ABC_ [1962] - Kitty Packard (Jean Harlow): I was reading a book the other day. Carlotta Vance (Marie Dressler): Reading a book? Kitty: Yes. It's all about civilization or something. A nutty kind of a book. Do you know that the guy said that machinery is going to take the place of every profession? Carlotta: Oh my dear, that's something you need never worry about. --"Dinner at Eight" [1933] Screenplay by Frances Marion and Herman Mankiewicz. - My gal was as pure as the driven snow but she drifted. --Thomas Aloysius "TAD" Dorgan (18771929) American cartoonist and sportswriter. "New York Evening Journal" [19 December 1923] [Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx):] Remember you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did. --"Duck Soup" [1933 film] Screenplay by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby. 'Someday My Prince Will Come,' said Snow White, changing hands for the fifth time. --English Catch Phrase Blanche: I think we've slept together once. Adrian: I don't remember. Blanche: At the opera, during Berenice. --Ronald Firbank (18861926) British novelist. "The Princess Zoubaroff" Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time. --Ian Fleming (19081964) English thriller writer. In John Pearson _The Life of Ian Fleming_ [1966]. ^^ The Mann Act was supposed to help crush white slavery, but the Supreme Court gave it a much broader reading. A key case involved two young men from Sacramento, California, Drew Caminetti and his buddy Maury Diggs. They were in their twenties, married with children, and from somewhat prominent families. Fidelity was not their strong suit. They went gallivanting off to Nevada with two young women in tow. This trip created something of a scandal; and the two men were arrested and, eventually, tried for violating the Mann Act. Of course, there was not a hint of white slavery, or prostitution, or commercialized vice in the case; no indication that the women were the least bit unwilling to have their fun. Nonetheless, the two men were convicted of violating the Mann Act. The Supreme Court affirmed: Caminetti and Diggs had crossed the state line for an "immoral purpose," and this was enough to satisfy the act. The Justice Department claimed that it was interested in commercialized sex, that for the most part it left alone the amateurs at the debauchery game - that is, people like Caminetti and Diggs. But the record shows otherwise. All sorts of cases were tried in the courts, cases which ranged "from seduction and betrayal, to casual romantic trips, to serious relationships of living together." From 1922 to 1937 the FBI looked into 50,500 alleged violations of the Mann Act. Many of the investigations started with complaints sent in by busybodies, people with grudges, outraged husbands, wives, parents, and misceIlaneous others. For example, a woman calling herself "a mother" sent a letter to the Department of Justice from West Palm Beach in 1927, in which she claimed "There is a J.S. Nouser liveing at 727 Kanuga drive with a woman that he not married to and they was on a trip this summer to california and new York they stoped at the pennsylvania Hotel in new york as man and wife." The Mann Act was applied to women, too, if they violated the sexual code; a study of women in federal prison between 1927 and 1937 found that about a quarter of the Mann Act violators were simply unmarried women who dared to travel about with married men. Scandalized and angry wives sometimes blew the whistle on their husbands. More sinister was the prosecution of the black boxer Jack Johnson, whose sex life crossed the state line and the color line. He was tried in 1913 and sentenced to prison. The rock-and-roll singer Chuck Berry was sent to prison similarly in 1960; and Charlie Chaplin, whose real sin was his leftist leanings, was tried but acquitted in 1943. Critics had warned that the Mann Act was a fertile breeding ground for blackmail. Sure enough, in January 1916 detectives arrested a gang of alleged Mann Act blackmailers. These men supposedly would "shadow" rich men, following them across state lines with their girlfriends.They would then confront the men, claim to be United States marshals, and demand payoffs. Sometimes the gang "employed ... attractive women to assist in creating evidence." The victims, naturally enough, were reluctant to step forward. --Lawrence M. Friedman (1930 ) _American Law in the 20th Century_ [2002] Ch. 4 "Crime and Punishment in the New Century" pp. 98-99. ^^ ^ Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919 ) Hungarian-born film actress. Asked how many husbands she had had, Miss Gabor looked puzzled. "You mean apart from my own?" she inquired. --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard [2000 ed.] Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married. --Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919 ) Hungarian-born film actress. In "Observer" [16 August 1987]. ^ No girl should permit a boy to be so familiar as to toy with her hands, or play with her rings; to handle her curls, or encircle her waist with his arm. Such impudent intimacy should never be tolerated for a moment. --Alex M. Gow, _Good Morals and Gentle Manners_ [1873] To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. --Cary Grant [Alexander Archibald Leach] (19041986) English actor. [At age 72.] When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. --Matt Groening (b. 1954) American cartoonist, creator of "The Simpsons." "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_ [1978] Love causes more pain than pleasure. Pleasure is only illusory. Reason would command us to avoid love, if it were not for the fatal sexual impulse therefore it were best to be castrated. --Karl von Hartmann (18421906) German metaphysical philosopher. _Philosophe des Unbewursten_ [1869] Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. --Robert Heinlein (19071988) American science-fiction writer. _Time Enough for Love_ [1973] - "I Like Them Fluffy" by Sir A.P. (Alan Patrick) Herbert (18901971), English writer and humorist. Some like them gentle and sweet, Some like them haughty and proud, Some of us like them petite, And some of us love the whole crowd; Some will insist upon grace, And some will make a point of the pelf, But, to take a particular case, I do like them fluffy myself: I like them fluffy, I freely confess, With fluffy blue eyes and a fluffy blue dress, With fair fluffy hair, like Love-in-a-mist, And lips that declare "I want to be kissed"; With fluffy soft cheeks, like plums on a wall, With a fluffy soft heart and no brains at all. Some like a girl that's well-read, Some like a shingle or crop, But I don't care what's in her head, If there's plenty of hair on the top. Give me the frivolous locks, Give me the Gaiety Queen, Give me the Chocolate Box, And give me the Girls' Magazine! I like them fluffy I know it's bad taste With fluffy soft looks and a flower at the waist, With golden hair flying, like mist round the moon; And lips that seem sighing, "You must kiss me soon," Not huffy, or stuffy, not tiny or tall, But fluffy, just fluffy, with no brains at all. Brains are all right in their place, But Oh, it's a shock to the heart If the lady postpones an embrace To enquire your opinions on Art And to-day, as I paused on the brink, I own I was slightly annoyed When she sighed and said, "What do you think Of the basic assumptions of FREUD?" "I like them fluffy," I gently replied, "Not huffy, or stuffy, or puffy with pride, With downy soft eyebrows and artful blue eyes, The kind that the highbrows pretend to despise, With fluffy complexions, like plums on a wall, And fluffy opinions, and no brains at all." - I'm not against half naked girls not as often as I'd like to be. --Benny Hill [Alfred Hawthorne Hill] (19241992) British comedian. When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs, and think of England. --Alice Marian Mills (n้e Harbord-Hamond), Lady Hillingdon (18571940) Wife of 2nd Baron Hillingdon; daughter of 5th Baron Suffield. [Diary 1912] (Originally untraced, perhaps apocryphal, in J. Gathorne-Hardy _The Rise and Fall of the British Nanny_ [1972].) They are doing things on the screen now that I wouldn't do in bed, if I could. --Bob [Leslie Townes] Hope (19032003) British-born American entertainer and actor. 1965 attributed remark. First it was passion, then it became duty, and finally an intolerable burden. --Carl Gustav Jung (18751961) Swiss psychologist. "Marriage as a Psychological Relationship" [1925] in _The Development of Personality_. [Brandy (voice of Faith Prince) calls KACL:] Roz (Peri Gilpin): He's not even good in bed? Brandy: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out. [...] I said to him last night, "What the hell was that?! I've been vaccinated slower!" --Joe Keenan "Frasier" (U.S. TV series), aired 20 February 1996. It would be less demanding, enslaving, perplexing and strenuous for a healthy male to screw a thousand women in his lifetime than to try to please one, and the potential for failure would be less. --Irma Kurtz Journalist and author In every animal...a more frequent and continuous use of any organ gradually strengthens, develops and enlarges that organ...while the permanent disuse of any organ imperceptibly weakens and deteriorates it, and progressively diminishes its functional capacity, until it finally disappears. --Jean-Baptiste de Monet Lamarck (17441829) French biologist. _Philosophie zoologique_ (Zoological Philosophy) [1809], pt. II, ch. 7 Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough, (2) Too much. --Ann Landers [Esther Pauline Friedman Lederer] (19182002) Advice columnist. _Truth Is Stranger_ [1968] Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly. --attributed to Gypsy Rose Lee [Rose Louise Hovick] (19141970) American striptease artist. Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex *is*. --Gershon Legman (19171999) American folklorist. _Love & Death_ "A Study in Censorship" [1949] An awful debility, a lessened utility, A loss of mobility is a strong possibility. In all probability I'll lose my virility, And you your fertility and desirability. And this liability of total sterility Will lead to hostility and a sense of futility, So lets act with agility while we still have facility, For we'll soon reach senility and loose the ability. --Tom Lehrer (1928 ) American songwriter and satirist. "When You Are Old And Grey" (song) In a patriarchal society all heterosexual intercourse is rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent. --Catherine MacKinnon (b. 1946) American feminist, lawyer, and teacher. _Professing Feminism: Cautionary Tales from the Strange World of Women's Studies_, p. 129 Enough with the boner pill ads. These pills were intended to be marketed toward those with a medical necessity, not as Love Potion #9. If you have occasional trouble getting it up for the wife, try the natural method: Close your eyes and pretend she's the babysitter. --Bill Maher (1956 ) American comedian and author. _New Rules_ [2005], "Rx Shun" The only way to resolve a situation with a girl is to jump on her and things will work out. --Lee Marvin (19241987) American film actor. - A man is only as old as the woman he feels. --Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (18951977) American film comedian. Quoted in Laurence J. Peter _Peter's Quotations_ [1977]. Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun! --Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (18951977) American film comedian. I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. --Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (18951977) American film comedian. Quoted in Max Wilk _The Wit and Wisdom of Hollywood_. Groucho to Tallulah Bankhead: "Let's fool around." Tallulah: "No. And that's the first time I've enjoyed saying no." Groucho: "That's the first time I've enjoyed hearing it." During his stint as comedian on a show called "You Bet Your Life," Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two children. 'I love my husband,' Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. 'I like my cigar, too,' said Groucho, 'but I take it out once in a while.' --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard [2000 ed.] (That remark, like many others, had to be cut before the broadcast. On average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about twenty-six minutes of broadcast.) Note: Unfortunately, that anecdote is probably apocryphal. - You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. --W. Somerset Maugham (18741965) English novelist, playwright, and short-story writer. _The Bread Winner_, sc iii [1930 play] I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. --Jay McInerney (1955 ) American writer. _Brightness Falls_ [1992] It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. --Spike [Terence Alan] Milligan (19182002) Irish novelist, poet, musician, and comedian. Attributed in Des MacHale _Wit_ [2000]. - Then there was that plea lodged in Catalonia by a wife as plaintiff against her husband's excessively assiduous love-making: not I think because she was actually troubled by it . . . but rather to have a pretext for pruning back and curbing the authority of husbands over their wives even in the very deed which forms the basic act of marriage, and also to show that the nagging and spitefulness of wives extend over the marriage-bed and trample under heel the sweet delights of Venus. Her husband, a really depraved brute of a fellow, made the rejoinder that even on days of abstinence he could not manage with less than ten times. Whereupon intervened that notable judgement of the Queen of Aragon: after mature deliberation in her counsel, that good Queen (wishing to provide for all time an example of the moderation required in a proper marriage and a measuring-rod for temperance) ordained that it is necessary to limit and restrict intercourse to six times a day sacrificing much of women's needs and surrendering many of their desires in order to establish a scale which would be unexacting and therefore durable and unchanging. At which the doctors exclaim: "If that is the rate assessed by a reasoned moral reformation, what must be the lusts and the appetites of women?" --Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (15331592) French moralist and essayist. _Essays_, Book III [1580], Ch. 5 - Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th Century. --Malcolm Muggeridge (19031990) British writer, broadcaster, and journalist. In _New York Times Magazine_ [24 March 1968]. The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfilment. --Malcolm Muggeridge (19031990) British writer, broadcaster, and journalist. _Tread Softly_ [1966] - A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen; She was not over-sexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. --Ogden Nash (19021971) American writer of humorous poetry. When seen obscene when heard absurd but done great fun. --attributed to John O'Mill There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380SL convertible. --P.J. O'Rourke (1947 ) American political satirist. - That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them. --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. Quoted in Alexander Woollcott _While Rome Burns_ [1934]. [Of a cocktail party she had attended:] One more drink and I'd have been under the host! --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. Quoted in Bennett Cerf _Try and Stop Me_ [1944]. And then there was that wholesale libel on a Yale prom. If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, Mrs. Parker said, she wouldn't be at all surprised. --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. Reported in Alexander Woollcott _While Rome Burns_ [1934]. [On being informed that editor Harold Ross had called her on her honeymoon demanding a belated article:] Tell him I've been too fucking busy or vice versa. --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. Quoted in John Keats _You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker_ [1970]. Woman wants monogamy; Man delights in novelty. Love is woman's moon and sun; Man has other forms of fun. . . . With this the gist and sum of it, What earthly good can come of it? --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. "General Review of the Sex Situation" l. I [1926] - You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older: little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman stuff you pay good money for in later life. --Emo Phillips [Philip Soltanec] (1956 ) American comedian. Quoted in Geoff Tibballs _The Mammoth Book of Humor_ [2000]. Birds do it, bees do it, Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fall in love. --Cole Porter (18921964) American songwriter. "Let's Do It" (1954 song) (Words added to original 1928 song, replacing lines including "Chinks do it, Japs do it.") - There were men, and there were women. He was clear on that. Sam Vimes was an uncomplicated man when it came to what the poets called "the lists of love.* ---footnote---- *He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: It fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination but at the end of the day they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips, if it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato. --Terry Pratchett (1948 ) English science fiction writer. _The Fifth Elephant_ [1999] - ^ In 1976 Dr Brian Richards of Deal in Kent discovered one of the great love stories of all time, while in Regent's Park, London. He came across a semi-clad gentleman who had slipped a disc while enjoying himself in the back of a sports car with his girl-friend. Since the man was transfixed with agony, his girl-friend was unable to get out for help. In desperation she jammed her foot against the hooter button. This attracted Dr Richards, an ambulanceman, a fireman and a large crowd of passers-by who formed a circle around the car. 'You'll never get them out of there,' said the fireman who then set about cutting the back off the car. Trained for desperate situations, two women voluntary workers arrived and began serving hot sweet tea through the window. 'It was like the blitz,' one of them commented. Eventually, the lover was carried off in agony. Ambulancemen told the girl-friend that his recovery prospects were good. 'Sod him,' she replied. 'What's worrying me is how I shall explain to my husband what's happened to his car.' _The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex" ^ A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. --Joan Rivers (b. 1935) American comedian and talk-show host. Attributed in "Orange Coast" (mag.) [May 1987] Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of squishing noises. --Johnny Rotten [John Lydon] (1956 ) British rock singer. In "Daily Mirror" [1983]. As I grow older and older And totter towards the tomb, I find that I care less and less Who goes to bed with whom. --Dorothy L. Sayers (18931957) English writer of detective fiction. Quoted in Janet Hitchman _Such a Strange Lady_ [1975]. ^ George C. Scott was once required to shoot a love scene with a certain voluptuous actress. "I apologize if I get an erection," he said getting into bed. "And I apologize if I don't." --anecdotage.com ^ - Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance? --William Shakespeare (15641616) English dramatist. _King Henry IV_ [1597], pt. 2, act 2, sc. 4, l. 260 Drink, Sir, is a great provoker. . . . Lechery, Sir, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. --William Shakespeare (15641616) English dramatist. _Macbeth_, act 2, sc. 3, l. 24 [1606] - SHAW (to a woman seated next to him at a dinner party): Madam, if I gave you a million pounds, would you have sexual intercourse with me? WOMAN (after some thought): I think I would. SHAW: Would you do it for a fiver? WOMAN: What kind of woman do you think I am? SHAW: I thought we had established that, and were merely haggling over the price. --George Bernard Shaw (18561950) Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1925. Someone asked Sophocles, 'How is your sex life now? Are you still able to have a woman?' He replied, 'Hush man; most gladly indeed am I rid off it all, as though I had escaped from a mad and savage master.' --Sophocles (496?406 B.C.) Greek dramatist. In Plato _The Republic_. Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in. --Casey Stengel (18911975) American Major League baseball player and manager; inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1966. Quoted in Barbara Rowes _The Book of Quotes_ [1979]. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --attributed to both Sharon Stone and Jimmy Shubert In men, desire begets love; and in women, love begets desire. --Jonathan Swift (16671745) Anglo-Irish poet and satirist. _Journal to Stella_ (entry for 30 October 1712) [1768] Traditionally, men used power to gain sex, and women used sex to gain power. --Thomas Szasz (1920 ) American psychiatrist. "Men and Women" in _Heresies_ [1976] If I don't feel like wearing a bra I don't wear one. I'd never let my nipples show at a state function I'd be frightened the old men would have heart attacks. --Margaret Trudeau (b. 1948) Wife of the 15th Prime Minister of Canada, Pierre Trudeau. Quoted in Arthur Johnson _Margaret Trudeau_ [1977]. Every man has an Achilles' Heel, located not on his foot but in his crotch. --Barbara G. Walker (b. 1930) American author and feminist. _The Skeptical Feminist: Discovering the Virgin, Mother, and Crone_ [1987] - [When told that a new male acquaintance was 6' 7:] Let's forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. Quoted in George Eells & Stanley Musgrove _Mae West: A Biography_ [1982]. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. 1936 comment to a LAPD officer assigned to escort her home. I feel like a million tonight but one at a time. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. [Lady Lou, played by Mae West, speaking:] When women go wrong, men go right after them. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. "She Done Him Wrong" [1933 film] [Tira, played by mae West, speaking:] It's not the men in my life that counts it's the life in my men. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. "I'm No Angel" [1933 film] Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. "A Way With Words" ed. Jim Koch, in _New York Times_ [15 August 1993]. I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. - Studies in which men and women are asked to rank their pleasures in order of enjoyment show repeatedly that whereas sex is the favourite for most men, many women prefer knitting, gardening and watching television. --Dr. Glenn Wilson (b. 1942) New Zealand-born psychologist. _The Great Sex Divide_ [1989] Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah now that's a real treat! --attributed to Joanne Woodward (b. 1930) American actress. - In my state [Texas] they really raise hell about the new [more open sexual] morality. This one old geezer said he was against it for three reasons. 'First, it's against the law of nature. Second, it's destructive of family living. And third, I ain't getting none of it.' --anon., in James Michener "The Revolution in Middle-Class Values" _New York Times Magazine_ [18 August 1968]. "Son, you've GOT to stop doing that! You'll go blind!" "Dad, I'm over here!" --anon. Did you know the male bee is nothing but the slave of the queen? And once the male bee has how should I say serviced the queen, the male dies. All in all, not a bad system. --dialogue, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" [Phyllis Lindstrom played by Cloris Leachman] Masochist: "Hurt me!" Sadist: "No." Jean Harlow: I was reading a book the other day . . . the guy said machinery is going to take the place of every profession. Marie Dressler: Oh, my dear, that's something you'll never have to worry about. - Sung to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing": Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable Fainted at the breakfast table. Let this be an awful warning Not to do it in the morning. Ovaltine has put them right Now they do it morn and night Uncle Jack is hoping soon To do it in the afternoon. Hark the herald angels sing Ovaltine is a damned good thing. --anon. - One rises to meet the challenge! --007 in "GoldenEye" The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken. --anon. She offered her honor. He honored her offer. And all night long it was honor and offer. --anon. - Addendum To The Ten Commandments - anon. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, Nor the ox her husband bought her; But thank the Lord you're not forbidden to covet your neighbor's daughter. - A notorious whore named Miss Hearst In the weakness of men is well versed. Reads a sign over the head Of her well-rumpled bed: 'The customer always comes first' --anon. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL who had a little curl! Right in the middle of her forehead And when she was good, She was very, very good But when she was bad she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car. --anon. The limerick's form is complex. Its contents run chiefly to sex. It burgeons with virgins And prurient urgings And drips with erotic effects. --unknown, quoted in Richard Lederer, _The Cunning Linguist_ [2003] Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex. --unknown, but probably Donald Symons (b. 1942) in his 1979 book _The Evolution of Human Sexuality_. A mortician who practiced in Fife, Made love to the corpse of his wife. 'How would I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge, Just the same as she'd acted in life.' --anon. March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion and out like a lamb. --anon. -- For a fortnight, 24 women and 22 men kept diaries of how often they engaged in various forms of sex. Then they underwent a stress test involving public speaking and performing mental arithmetic out loud. Volunteers who had had penetrative intercourse were found to be the least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who had engaged in other forms of sexual activity such as masturbation.... Dr Brody found that the effect remained even after taking differences in personality and other health-related factors into account. --"Sex cuts public speaking stress.", _BBC_ [26 January 2006] -- -- On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions? At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, How much for a season pass? -- -- As the dog crosses the railroad track a speeding train roars down on the unsuspecting canine. All but the tip of the dog's tail clears the track. The train clips the tail and the severed tip falls between the rails. As the dog turns and is about to sniff that portion of lost anatomy by stretching his head over the rail along comes another train and decapitates the poor creature. Not much of a story but one that contains an admonishment for all men. Never loose your head over a little piece of tail. -- TOPICAL "Bad for the Health, but No One Dare Say So" By Danielle Crittenden _The Wall Street Journal_ [14 December 2006], reviewing "Unprotected" [2006] by Anonymous "My patients were hurting, they looked to me and what could I do?" So confesses an anonymous campus physician in the beginning of her startling memoir. Over the course of 200 pages, she tells story after story about suffering young women. If these women were ailing from eating disorders, or substance abuse, or almost any other medical or psychological problem, their university health departments would spring to their aid. "Cardiologists hound patients about fatty diets and insufficient exercise. Pediatricians encourage healthy snacks, helmets and discussion of drugs and alcohol. Everyone condemns smoking and tanning beds." Unfortunately, the young women described in "Unprotected" have fallen victim to one of the few personal troubles that our caring professions refuse to treat or even acknowledge: They have been made miserable by their "sexual choices." And on that subject, few modern doctors dare express a word of judgment. Thus the danger of sexually transmitted diseases is too often overlooked in the lifestyle choices of the young women at the unnamed college where the author works. But the dangers go far beyond the biological. A girl named Heather, for instance, has succumbed to an intense bout of depression. The doctor presses her to think of possible causes. She can't think of anything. Then she says: "Well, I can think of one thing: since Thanksgiving, I've had a 'friend with benefits.' And actually I'm kind of confused about that." Heather continues: "I want to spend more time with him, and do stuff like go shopping or see a movie. That would make it a friendship for me. But he says no, because if we do those things, then in his opinion we'd have a relationship -- and that's more than he wants. And I'm confused, because it seems like I don't get the 'friend' part, but he still gets the 'benefits.'" It finally dawns on her: "I'm really unhappy about that. It's hard to be with him and then go home and be alone." Heather is not an unrepresentative case. The author meets patients who cannot sleep, who mutilate themselves, who exhibit every symptom of psychic distress. Often they don't even know why they feel the way they do. As these girls see it, they are acting like sensible, responsible adults: They practice "safe sex" and limit their partners to a mere two or three per year. They are following the best advice that modern psychology can offer. They are enjoying their sexual freedom, experimenting, discovering themselves. They can't understand what might be wrong. And yet something is wrong. As the author observes, surveys have found that "sexually active teenage girls were more than three times as likely to be depressed, and nearly three times as likely to have had a suicide attempt, than girls who were not sexually active." And should all this joyous experimentation end in externally verifiable effects should girls find themselves afflicted with a disease or an unwanted pregnancy then (and only then) do their campus "women's health" departments go to work for them. They will book the abortion, hand out a condom or prescribe a course of antibiotic treatment. And then they will pat their young patients on the shoulder and send them back into the world, without an admonishing word about the conduct that got them into trouble in the first place. "Look at how different health decisions are valued," the author advises. "When Stacey avoids fatty foods she is being health conscious....When she stays away from alcohol, she is being responsible and resisting her impulses. For all these she is endorsed for keeping long-term goals in mind instead of giving in to peer pressure and immediate gratification. But if she makes a conscious decision to delay sexual activity, she's simply 'not sexually active' given no praise or endorsement." If anything, the more "transgressive" the behavior, the greater the reluctance to judge. On a University of Michigan Web site, "'external water sports' is described as a type of 'safer sex.'" (The phrase has nothing to do with a swimming pool.) At Virginia Commonwealth University, "cross-dressing is called a 'recreational activity.'" The sexual advice blog "Go Ask Alice," sponsored by Columbia University, provides helpful hints to students on m้nages เ trois ("Nothing wrong with giving it a try, so long as you're all practicing safer sex"), swing-club etiquette and phone sex ("Getting Started"). When the author treats Brian, a young homosexual man who is engaged in "high-risk behavior with multiple people," she discovers that, by policy, she cannot insist that he be tested for HIV. And if he were to submit to voluntary testing, and the tests were to prove positive, she would not be allowed to report this information to the local department of health although of course she would be required to do so if he had contracted any other communicable disease. Isn't promoting health, even saving lives, "worth the risk of feeling judged?" Apparently not. And yet, not all judgments are to be avoided. The author of this vivid and urgent book has published it anonymously precisely because she fears that if her employers and colleagues heard her unwelcome views, they would judge her negatively and punish her, personally and professionally. The anonymity, however understandable, is a shame: Her cause could use a visible and vocal crusader. Ms. Crittenden is the author of "What our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes The Modern Woman." ---- amative [AM-uh-tiv], adjective: Pertaining to or disposed to love, especially sexual love; full of love; amorous. celibate (adjective) ['sel-๊-b๊t] 1/ Unmarried for religious reasons, bound by oath or inclination never to marry. 2/ Sexually abstinent. concupiscence (noun) [kahn-ky๊-'pi-sh๊nts] A powerful lust, especially sexual, for something. epicene [EP-uh-seen], adjective: 1. Having the characteristics of both sexes. 2. Effeminate; unmasculine. 3. Sexless; neuter. 4. (Linguistics) Having but one form of the noun for both the male and the female. lascivious (adj.) [lๆ-'si-vi-y๊s] Lustful, lewd, wanton; eliciting or expressing carnal desire. lubricious [loo-BRISH-us], adjective: 1. Lustful; lewd. 2. Stimulating or appealing to sexual desire or imagination. 3. Having a slippery or smooth quality. ogle (verb) ['o-g๊l] To stare at in an obvious fashion with eyes wide open, especially out of salacious interest. paucity (noun) Dearth: an inadequacy or lack of something salacious (adjective) [s๊-'ley-sh๊s] Arousing or appealing to sexual desire or imagination; lewd, lascivious. sultry (adjective) ['s๊l-tri] 1. Oppressively hot and humid, sweltering, steamy; 2. Oppressively hot and dry, as a sultry summer sun; 3. Voluptuous and mysterious, arousing lust (when associated with a woman) voluptuary [vuh-LUHP-choo-er-ee], noun: A person devoted to luxury and the gratification of sensual appetites; a sensualist. adjective: Voluptuous; luxurious. Ex.: Though depicted as a decadent voluptuary, she remained celibate for more than half of her adult life. --Michiko Kakutani, "Cleopatra Behind Her Magic Mirror" _New York Times_ [5 June 1990] end page | SACRED PLACES - SANTA CLAUS | SARCASM - SCHOOL | SCIENCE - SCULPTURE | SEA (THE) - SEEING | SELF - SELF-ESTEEM | SELF-EXAMINATION - SEMANTICS | SENATE (THE U.S.) - SERIOUSNESS | SEX | SEX SYMBOLS - SHEEP | SHIPS - SHYNESS | SICKNESS - SILENCE | SILLINESS - SINGING | SINGLE-MINDEDNESS - SKY | SLANDER - SLAVERY | SLEEP - SMILES | SMOKING - SOCIETY | SOLDIERS - SOPHISTICATION | SORROW - SOUTH SEA | SPACE - SPAM | SPEECH | SPEECHES - SPENDTHRIFTS | SPIDERS - SPY | SPORTS & SPORTSMANSHIP | STAGE (THE) - STERILIZATION | STOCK MARKET - STRANGERS | STRENGTH - SUBURBS | SUCCESS | SUFFERING - SUMMER | SUN - SUPREME COURT | SURPRISE - SYSTEM (THE) | | R | S | T | U - END | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The Reviews | |
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