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MARRIAGE

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see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for related links

^

Lord Anglesey, beating his wife, she said, 'how much happier
is that wench (pointing to a housemaid) than I am!' He
immediately kicked the maid down stairs, and then said,
'Well! there is at least one grievance removed.'
--_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Love and Marriage"

^

Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were married to
you, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
--Lady Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor
(1879—1964) American-born, first woman to
be a member of Parliament in Britian
--Winston Churchill (1874—1965)
British Conservative statesman and
Prime Minister [1940—1945, 1951—1955],

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from
admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a
moment.
--Jane Austen (1775—1817)
English writer.
_Pride and Prejudice_ [1813], ch. 6

Never marry a man who hates his mother,
because he'll end up hating you.
--Jill Bennett (1931—1990)
British actress.
In Connie Robertson
_The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations_, p. 37 [1998].

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.
--Ambrose Bierce (1842—1914)
American newspaperman, wit, and satirist.
_The Cynic's Word Book_ [1906]
{Retitled in 1911 as _The Devil's Dictionary_}.

If the wife should say to her husband, "I no longer want you for
my husband," she is to be thrown into the water with her hands
and feet tied. On the other hand, if he should say, "I no longer
want you for my wife," he is to pay her 80 grams of silver.
--marriage contract [c. 1700 B.C.],
in Jean Bottιro _Everyday Life in Ancient Mesopotamia_ [2001], p. 115.

-

Remember that children, marriages, and flower
gardens reflect the kind of care they get.
--H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (1940— )
American author.


Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one
decision will come ninety percent of all your
happiness or misery.
--H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (1940— )
American author.
_Life's Little Instruction Book_ [1991], Maxim #93

-

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs
Carlyle marry one another and so make only two
people miserable instead of four.
--Samuel Butler (1835—1902)
English novelist, essayist, and critic.
Letter to Miss E.M.A. Savage [21 November 1884].

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage,
This I tell ya, brother,
Ya can't have one without the other.
--Sammy Cahn (1913—1993)
American songwriter.
"Love and Marriage" [1955 song]

-

There's two things I know for sure,
She was sent here from heaven,
and she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
she talks to Jesus and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life,
But most of all, for...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her momma
a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
big world. But i remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only going to kiss you on
the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
just staring at her,
she asked me what I'm thinking,
and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like l'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over...and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, its just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?"
"Daddy don't cry "
With all that I've done wrong, I must have
done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is
what love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

--"Butterfly Kisses"
(written by Bob Carlisle and Randy Thomas)

^

When he was eighty, the late Spanish cellist Pablo Casals was
warned that consummating his marriage with his new young
wife might prove fatal. 'If she dies, she dies,' he replied.
_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex"

^

The very fact that we make such a to-do over golden weddings
indicates our amazement at human endurance. The celebration
is more in the nature of a reward for stamina.
--Ilka Chase (1905—1978)
American author and actress.
_Free Admission_ [1948]

Women deprived of the company of men pine; men
deprived of the company of women become stupid.
--Anton Chekhov (1860—1904)
Russian dramatist and short-story wrriter.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
--G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton (1874—1936)
English essayist, novelist, and poet.

My recipe for marital happiness is
whenever you can, read at meals.
--Cyril Connolly (1903—1974)
English writer.

I never married because there was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at
night.
--Marie Corelli (1855—1924)
British author.

Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate
enough to marry multi-millionaire girls with thirty-nine
inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies.
--Tony Curtis [Bernard Schwartz] (1925— )
American actor.

-

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met!
--Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen]
(1921—2004) American comedian.


Marriage is like a three ring circus. Engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
--Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen]
(1921—2004) American comedian.

-

We had a civil ceremony --
his mother didn't come.
--Phyllis Diller (1917— )
American comedian.

What greater thing is there for two human souls than
to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen
each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all
sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be
one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories
at the moment of the last parting.
--George Eliot [Mary Ann Evans] (1819—1880)
English novelist.

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged,
from the beginning of the world, that such as are in
the institution wish to get out, and such as are out
wish to get in.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882)
American philosopher and poet.
_Representative Men_ [1850] "Montaigne; or, The Skeptic"

Marry an outdoorswoman. Then if you throw her out
into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
--W. C. Fields [William Claude Dukenfield]
(1880—1946) American vaudeville star and film actor.

When the news of Napoleon's death came, before the King
[George IV] had been informed of it by his Ministers,
Sir E. Nagle, anxious to communicate the welcome tidings,
said to him, 'Sir, your bitterest enemy is dead.' 'Is
she, by God!' said the tender husband.
--Henry Richard Fox [Baron Holland of Foxley and of Holland]
(1773—1840) British Whig politician.
_Diary_ [25 August 1821]

-

Don't you know, that all wives are in the right? It
may be you don't, for you are yet a young husband.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.


Keep your eyes wide open before marriage,
half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.
_Poor Richard's Almanack_ [1738]

-

A man in love is incomplete until he has
married. Then he's finished.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919— )
Hungarian-born film actress.
Quoted in "Newsweek" magazine [28 March 1960].

Harris, I am not well; pray get me a
glass of brandy.
--King George IV (1762—1830)
King of the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland [1820—1830].
(On first seeing his future wife, Caroline of Brunswick.)

-

Then Almitra spoke again and said,
"And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

--Kahlil Gibran (1883—1931)
Lebanese poet.
"The Prophet" [1924]

-

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion
of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749—1832)
German poet, novelist, and playwright.

I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for
qualities that would wear well.
--Oliver Goldsmith (1728—1774)
Anglo-Irish writer, poet, and dramatist.

The most threatened group in human societies as in
animal societies is the unmated male: the unmated
male is more likely to wind up in prison or in an
asylum or dead than his mated counterpart. He is
less likely to be promoted at work and he is
considered a poor credit risk.
--Germaine Greer (1939— )
Australian feminist.

-

Verse 1

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older.
When did they?
When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he grow to be so tall?
Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?

Refrain

Sunrise, sunset,
Sunrise, sunset,
Swiftly flow the days;
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflow'rs,
Blossoming even as we gaze.
Sunrise, sunset,
Sunrise, sunset,
Swiftly fly the years;
One season following another,
Laden with happiness and tears.

Verse 2

Now is the little boy a bridegroom,
Now is the little girl a bride.
Under the canopy I see them,
Side by side.
Place the gold ring around her finger,
Share the sweet wine and break the glass;
Soon the full circle will have come to pass.

--Sheldon Harnick (1924— )
American lyricist.
"Sunrise, Sunset" 1964 song from the stage
production of _Fiddler on the Roof_,
{music by Jerry Bock}.

-

Marriage is a custom brought about by women who then
proceed to live off men and destroy them, completely
enveloping the man in a destructive cocoon or eating
him away like a poisonous fungus on a tree.
--Richard Harris (1930—2002)
Irish actor, singer, and songwriter.

-

The plural of spouse is spice.
--Robert A(nson) Heinlein (1907—1988)
American science-fiction writer.


Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the
luxuries first. And still another: See to it that she
has her own desk, then keep your hands off it! And
another, in a family argument, if it turns out you
are right, apologize at once!
--Robert A(nson) Heinlein (1907—1988)
American science-fiction writer.


Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even
more important than it is between strangers.
--Robert A(nson) Heinlein (1907—1988)
American science-fiction writer.

-

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when
they got married. He was eighteen, she was
sixteen, and I was three.
--Billie Holliday [Eleanora Fagan] (1915—1959)
American jazz singer.
The opening lines of her autobiography
_Lady Sings the Blues_ [1956, with William F. Duffy].

My dearest, she's dead! Let's get married at once!
--Miss Adeline Horsey de Horsey (1824—1915)
Paramour of Lord Cardigan [referring to the death of his
estranged wife, in July 1858. They married in September.

[The institution of marriage] is drafty, it's leaky,
the roof sags, the timbers shake, there's no
modern plumbing, no hard wood floors, no
steam heat. We don't feel comfortable in it.
We've outgrown the edifice.
--Fannie Hurst (1889—1968)
American novelist and dramatist.
In Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster _The Century_ [1998] p. 117.

It's a sad fact that fifty percent of marriages in this country end
in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one
of the lucky ones!
--Richard Jeni (1957—2007)
American stand-up comedian and actor.

-

Throughout the Nineties, the birthrate of babies born to teen mothers
fell sharply, a positive development that eased some of the inevitable
familial pressures on young mothers. The bad news is that the number
of unwed mothers is rising alarmingly. Only a generation ago, unwed
motherhood was still the exception in America. In 1980, most teen
mothers were married. By the end of the Nineties, two-thirds of
Hispanic and white teen mothers were unmarried. Figures for black
teen mothers were both astonishing and appalling: *Ninety-five percent
of black teen mothers were unmarried.* As the Wall Street journal
commented on these overall figures, "These bare facts have huge
and horrific implications for society. Many of our seemingly entrenched
social pathologies can be directly correlated to the marital status of
the young mother. A teenager with a baby but no husband is three
times more likely to end up on welfare than a teen mother who is
married. One of the best predictors of whether a child will grow up
in poverty, use drugs and turn to crime is whether or not his parents
are married. (This is true no matter the age of the mother.)"

--Haynes Johnson (1931— )
American journalist; winner of the 1966 Pulitzer Prize
for National Reporting.
_The Best of Times: America in the Clinton Years_ [2001] p. 463

-

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
_Rasselas_ [1759]

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been
admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may
love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always
go with everything else in the house.
--Jean Kerr (1923—2003)
American writer, [wife of Walter Kerr].
"The Ten Worst Things about a Man"
_The Snake Has All the Lines_ [1958]

'Tis sad when you think of her wasted life,
For youth cannot mate with age,
And her beauty was sold for an old man's gold,
She's a bird in a gilded cage.
--Arthur J. Lamb (1870—1928)
American songwriter.
"A Bird in a Gilded Cage" [1900]

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good
husband. Marry her before she finds one.
--Oscar Levant (1906—1972)
American pianist and actor.
To Harpo Marx, upon meeting Harpo's fiancιe.

The way to handle wives, like the fellow says, is to catch
'em early, treat 'em rough, and tell 'em nothing.
--Sinclair Lewis (1885—1951)
American novelist and playwright.
_Main Street_ [1920]

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is
built on some of the same rules. The partners do not
need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently
in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and
free, like a country dance of Mozart's. To touch heavily
would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement,
to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding.
There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the
clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in
passing. Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to
back it does not matter which. Because they know they
are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a
pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it.
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1906—2001)
American writer and wife of Charles Lindbergh.

The preacher asked her
And she said, "I do."
The preacher asked me
And she said, "Yes, he does too."
The preacher said,
"I pronounce you 99 to life --
Son, she's no lady, she's your wife."
--Lyle Lovett (1956— )
American country singer and songwriter.
"She's No Lady" [song]

-

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
--Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895—1977)
American film comedian.


Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
--Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895—1977)
American film comedian.


Leo Rosten: I'd like to say good-bye to your wife.
Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx: Who wouldn't?
--Leo Rosten (1908—1997)
American writer and social scientist &
Groucho (Julius Henry) Marx (1895—1977)
American film comedian

-

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
--Jackie Mason [Yacov Moshe Moaza] (1931— )
American ordained rabbi and stand-up comedian.

I never mind my wife having the last word. In
fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
--Walter Matthau (1920—2000)
American actor.

A successful marriage requires falling in love
many times, always with the same person.
--Mignon McLaughlin (1913—1983)
American journalist and author.

Strike an average between what a woman thinks
of her husband a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
--H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880—1956)
American journalist and literary critic.
_A Book of Burlesques_ [1916]

Was it for this I uttered prayers,
And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs,
That now, domestic as a plate,
I should retire at half-past eight?
--Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892—1950)
American poet.
_A Few Figs from Thistles_ [1920], "Grown-up"

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want
to and he couldn't.
--Spike [Terence Alan] Milligan (1918—2002)
Irish novelist, poet, musician, and comedian.

-

Since you, Mr. H. will marry black Kate,
Accept of good wishes for that blessed state:
May you fight all the day like a dog and a cat,
And yet ev'ry year produce a new brat.

May she never be honest--you never be sound,
May her tongue like a clapper be heard a mile round;
Till abandon'd by joy, and deserted by grace,
You hang yourselves both in the very same place.

--Lady Mary Wortley Montagu [nιe Pierrepont] (1689—1762)
English writer.
_Epithalamium_

^

Dwarfing all known records for matrimonial homicide, Mr Peter
Scott of Southsea made seven attempts to kill his wife without her
once noticing that anything was wrong. In 1980 he took out an
insurance policy on his good lady which would bring him £250,000
in the event of her accidental death. Soon afterward, he placed a
lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan, but it all rolled out.
Not wishing to waste the lethal substance, he then stuffed her
mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time she ate
it, but with no side effects whatsoever. Warming to the task, he
then took his wife on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the
panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff -- she
declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some
'sixth sense.' The same occurred only weeks later when he urged
her to savour the view from Beachy Head. When his spouse was
in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside the bedroom
door, but some interfering busybody put it out. Undeterred, he
started another fire and burnt down the whole flat in Turswell
Road, Southsea: the wife of his bosom escaped uninjured.
Another time he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so
that he could drive towards her and check if his brakes were
working. At no time did Mrs Scott feel that the magic had gone
out of their marriage. Since it appeared that nothing short of a
small nuclear bomb would have alerted this good woman to her
husband's intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed all to
the police. After the case, a detective said Mrs Scott was
absolutely shattered when told of her husband's plot to
kill her. She had not clued it at all and she was dumbstruck.
--John Mortimer (1923— )
English barrister and author.
In _The Best After-Dinner Stories_
Selected and introduced by Tim Heald [2003].

^

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Ogden Nash (1902—1971)
American writer of humorous poetry.


Four Prominent Bastards

by Ogden Nash (1902—1971)
American writer of humorous poetry

[Written for the Dutch Treat Club show, New York, March 1933]

The banker:

I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states.
I'm a dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads,
As the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
As the Barrymores, the Roosevelts, and others I could name
Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame,
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
My pappy was a gentleman and musical to boot.
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
The madam was a lady and a credit to her cult.
She enjoyed my pappy's playing, and I was the result.
So my mammy and my pappy are the ones I have to thank
That I'm chairman of the board of the National County Bank.

Chorus:

Oh, our parents forgot to get married.
Oh, our parents forgot to get wed.
Did a wedding bell chime? It was always a time
When our parents were somewhere in bed.
Oh, thanks to our kind, loving parents,
We are kings in the land of the free --
Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker,
Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala,
Four prominent bastards are we.

The broker:

In a cozy little farmhouse, in a cozy little dell,
A dear, old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell.
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild,
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
The year her hospitality attained a record high,
She became the happy mammy of an infant, which was I.
Whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my pappy might have been.
The hired man was favored by the girls in mammy's set,
And a traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet,
But such were mammy's motives, and such was her allure,
That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure.
Well, I took my mammy's morals, and I took my pappy's crust,
And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust.

The senator:

On a lonesome southern chain gang on a dusty southern road,
My late lamented daddy made his permanent abode.
Now some were there for stealing, but daddy's only fault
Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault.
His philosophy was simple and free from moral tape:
Seduction is for sissies -- a he-man wants his rape.
Daddy's total list of victims was embarrasingly rich,
And though one of them was mammy, he couldn't tell me which.
Well, I didn't go to college, but I got me a degree:
I reckon I'm the model of a perfect S.O.B.
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad:
I'm the most expensive senator the country ever had.
I remember daddy's warning that raping is a crime,
Unless you rape the voters a million at a time.

You and I:

I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
And the daughter of a floosy has a wiggle to her seat,
My position at the bottom of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
My father was a married man, and what is even more,
He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore.
I was born in holy wedlock; consequently bye and bye
I was rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye.
I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall,
And if I saved a penny, the bastards took it all.
At last I've learned my lesson and I'm on the proper track:
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm going to get it back.

-

The secrets of success are a good wife and a
steady job. My wife told me.
--Howard Nemerov (1920—1991)
American novelist and poet.

The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat
all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents
as disasters.
--attributed to Harold Nicolson (1886—1968)
English diplomat, politician, and writer.

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe
that you will be able to converse well with this person into
your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.
--Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844—1900)
German classical scholar, philosopher, and critic of culture.

Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun...
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?
--Dorothy Parker (1893—1967)
American critic and humorist.
(From a "General Review of the Sex Situation")

92. But in Marriage do thou be wise; prefer the _Person_
before Money; _Vertue_ before Beauty, the _Mind_ before
the Body: Then thou hast a _Wife,_ a _Friend,_ a
_Companion,- a _Second Self;_ one that bears an equal
Share with thee in all thy Toyls and Troubles.
--William Penn (1644—1718)
Quaker leader and advocate of religious
freedom who oversaw the founding of
the American Commonwealth of
Pennsylvania as a refuge for Quakers
and other religious minorities of Europe {E.B.}.
_Some Fruits of Solitude in Reflections and Maxims_ [1682]

-

Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before
you have finished saying it.
--Helen Rowland (1875—1950)
American writer


When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions
of many men for the inattention of one.
--Helen Rowland (1875—1950)
American writer

-

-

When two people are under the influence of the most violent,
most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions,
they are required to swear that they will remain in that
excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously
until death do them part.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
"Getting Married" [1908]


All young women begin by believing they can change
the men they marry. They can't.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
"On the Rocks" [1933]

-

You had no taste when you married me.
--Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751—1816)
Anglo-Irish dramatist.
_The School for Scandal_ [1777], act I, sc. 1

My dear, my better half.
--Sir Philip Sidney (1554—1586)
English soldier, poet, and courtier.
_The Arcadia_ [written 1580]

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
--Red [Richard Bernard] Skelton (1913—1997)
American comedian.

My definition of marriage. . . it resembles a pair of
shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often
moving in other directions, yet always punishing anyone
who comes between them.
--Sydney Smith (1771—1845)
English clergyman and essayist,
in 1802 cofounded "The Edinburgh Review."
_Lady Holland's Memoir_ [1855], vol. I, ch. 11

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates (470?—399 B.C.)
Greek philosopher.

Venus, a beautiful, good-natured lady, was the goddess of
love; Juno, a terrible shrew, the goddess of marriage; and
they were always mortal enemies.
--Jonathan Swift (1667—1745)
Anglo-Irish poet and satirist.
_Thoughts on Various Subjects_ "Moral and Diverting" [1706]

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
--James Thurber (1894—1961)
American humorist and cartoonist.

-

Tom Sawyer:
Say, Becky, was you ever engaged?

Becky Thatcher:
What's that?

Tom Sawyer:
Why, engaged to be married.

Becky Thatcher:
No.

Tom Sawyer:
Would you like to?

Becky Thatcher:
I reckon so. I don't know. What is it like?

Tom Sawyer:
Like? Why it ain't like anything. You only just
tell a boy you won't ever have anybody but him,
ever ever ever, and then you kiss and that's all.
Anybody can do it.

Becky Thatcher:
Kiss? What do you kiss for?

Tom Sawyer:
Why, that, you know, is to--well, they always do that.

Becky Thatcher:
Everybody?

Tom Sawyer:
Why, yes, everybody that's in love with each
other. . . . Don't you be afraid of that--it
ain't nothing at all. Please, Becky.

[By and by she gave up, and let her hands drop;
her face, all glowing with the struggle, came
up and submitted. Tom kissed the red lips. . . ]

Tom Sawyer:
Now it's all done, Becky. And always after this,
you know, you ain't ever to love anybody but me,
and you ain't ever to marry anybody but me, never
never and forever. Will you?

Becky Thatcher:
No, I'll never love anybody but you, Tom, and I'll
never marry anybody but you--and you ain't to ever
marry anybody but me, either.

Tom Sawyer:
Certainly. Of course. That's part of it. And
always coming to school or when we're going home,
you're to walk with me, when there ain't anybody
looking--and you choose me and I choose you at
parties, because that's the way you do when you're
engaged.

Becky Thatcher:
It's so nice. I never heard of it before.

--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_The Adventures of Tom Sawyer_ [1876], Ch. 7


After my marriage, she edited everything I wrote.
And what is more--she not only edited my works--
she edited me!
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
(Of his wife, Livy; in Van Wyck Brooks' _The Ordeal of Mark Twain_ [1920].)

-

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having
an affair or lying dead on the street, I always hope he's dead.
--Judith Viorst (1931—- )
American author.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for
the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then
once every three or four days until the condition clears
up.
--Peter De Vries (1910—1993)
American editor and novelist.

-

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what
reform schools are for.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.


Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.

-

Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades,
but to be married to a man who makes you laugh
every day, ahh--now that's a real treat!
--Joanne Woodward (1930— )
American actress.

-

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-
one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
--Henny Youngman (1906—1998)
English-born American stand-up comedian.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A
little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
--Henny Youngman (1906—1998)
English-born American stand-up comedian.

-

-

If the wife should say to her husband, 'I no
longer want you for my husband,' she is to be
thrown into the water with her hands and feet
tied. On the other hand, if he should say, 'I no
longer want you for my wife,' he is to pay
her 80 grams of silver.
--Marriage contract c. 1700 B.C.
in _History in Quotations_
{ed.} M.J. Cohan and John Major [2004].

The glance over cocktails
That seemed to be so sweet
Doesn't seem quite so amorous
Over Shredded Wheat.
--anon.

My wife says I never listen to her. At
least I think that's what she said.
--anon.

--

When Barbara and Jim were dating, Barbara became concerned
over the lavish amount of money Jim was spending on her. After
an expensive dinner date, she asked her mother, “What can I do
to stop Jim from spending so much money on me?”

Her mother replied simply, “Marry him.”

--

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David
and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is
essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

--

The Bride said, "I'm going home to Mother!"

The Groom responded, "Good, I'll join you and we can both
get a decent meal."

--

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition,
appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close
of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman replied: "Not yet, but soon."

--

The bride was advised that if she wanted an unforgettable
night she should get the groom to eat a dozen oysters. Next
day she thanked her friend but said only eight of them had
worked.

--

Wedding Telegrams

To the bride: Congratulations, Mabel. It was better to have
loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
--Southside Football Club, and coach.

To groom: Put a penny in a jar every time. After a year you'll have
enough to take a penny out every time - for the rest of your life.

To the bride: Congratulations and I hope you find the magnifying glass useful.

--

I never could stand Melvin,
Why I married him I'll never know.
And for seventeen miserable years
I have said Melvin has got to go!

I tried poisoning cakes,
Stripping his brakes,
salting his pork chops with lime ~~
Wiring his chair,
Igniting his hair
even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot
Till I suddenly thought of
a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good ~~
and, know what? Thay can't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa
and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"

They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent
I will! I'll take back his mother next year!
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
and know what else? this time of year?
You don't even need a receipt!

--anon.

---

KIDS ON MARRIAGE

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10


TOPICAL

Woman suffrage? Abolition of slavery? You can bet that I
approve of those changes. But ... those social revolutions
were introduced by the constitutional process of amendment.
It took long public debate and national struggle - including
civil war - before a consensus emerged.

The real precedents for what we're getting now are judicial
diktats that imposed the view of an elite group on the whole
nation without democratic process. One thinks of Plessy vs.
Ferguson and Dred Scott. Wow. The courts do such a good
job of inventing new constitutional laws when they don't
have to wait for democracy.

--Orson Scott Card (1951— )
American writer.
"Homosexual "Marriage" and Civilization", http://www.ornery.org/essays/warwatch/2004-02-15-1.html

--

Scene at San Francisco City Hall

"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples
who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay,
you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman.
I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us
just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves
June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that
we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection
under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!!

--anon.

-----

digamy (noun) ['di-gκ-mi]
A second marriage after a divorce or the passing of a spouse,
deuterogamy.
Bigamy is illegal marriage to two spouses simultaneously; digamy is
marriage to two spouses in legal succession. Polygamy is marriage
to several partners simultaneously-"polygyny" refers to having
several wives while "polyandry" refers to having several husbands.
The adjective for digamy is digamous and sounds like bigamous.


end page




| MACARTHUR (DOUGLAS) - MALICE | MAN - MARINES | MARRIAGE | MARTYRS - MAUGHAM (WILLIAM SOMERSET) | MAXIMS - MEANNESS | MEDICINE - MEMORIAL DAY | MEMORIES - MEMORY | MEN - MEN v. WOMEN | MENTAL ILLNESS - MILK | MIND (THE) - MISERY | MISFORTUNE - MISSOURI | MISTAKES | MISTAKEN IDENTITY - MODESTY | MONEY | MONROE - MOON | MORAL ASSASINATION - MORALITY | MORNING - MOUNTAINS | MOVIE DIALOGUE - MUSHROOMS | MUSIC - MYTHOLOGY |
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