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;void(0)) MARRIAGE . . . see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for related links Lord Anglesey, beating his wife, she said, 'how much happier is that wench (pointing to a housemaid) than I am!' He immediately kicked the maid down stairs, and then said, 'Well! there is at least one grievance removed.' --_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Love and Marriage" - I married beneath me. All woman do. --Lady Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor (18791964) American-born, first woman to take a seat in the British House of Commons. Speech in Oldham, England [1951]. NANCY ASTOR: Winston, if I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee. WINSTON CHURCHILL: If I were your husband, I'd drink it. --Lady Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor (18791964) American-born, first woman to be a member of Parliament in Britian. --Winston Churchill (18741965) British Conservative statesman and Prime Minister [19401945, 19511955]. (This anecdote is apocryphal and is based on an old joke which has been traced back to at least the turn of the 20th century.) - A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. --Jane Austen (17751817) English writer. _Pride and Prejudice_, ch. 6 [1813] He was reputed one of the wise men that made answer to the question when a man should marry? 'A young man not yet, an elder man not at all.' --Francis Bacon (15611626) English philosopher and essayist. _Essays_ [1625] "Of Marriage and the Single Life" [Humorous reply to his mother who had suggested he marry:] A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. --Walter Bagehot (18261877) British economist and essayist. Quoted in _Fraser's Magazine_ [March 1879]. Two souls in one, two hearts into one heart. --Guillaume de Salluste du Bartas (15441590) French poet. _La Semaine_ (The First Week) [1578] "Sixth Day" Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he'll end up hating you. --Jill Bennett (19311990) British actress. In Connie Robertson _The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations_, p. 37 [1998]. Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. --Ambrose Bierce (18421914) American newspaperman, wit, and satirist. _The Cynic's Word Book_ [1906] (Retitled in 1911 as _The Devil's Dictionary_.) - Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come ninety percent of all your happiness or misery. --H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (b. 1940) American author. _Life's Little Instruction Book_ [1991], Maxim #93 Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get. --attributed to H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (b. 1940) American author. - It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four. --Samuel Butler (18351902) English novelist, essayist, and critic. Letter to Miss E.M.A. Savage [21 November 1884]. - So, we'll go no more a-roving So late into the night, Though the heart be still as loving, And the moon be still as bright. For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul wears out the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have rest. Though the night was made for loving, And the day returns too soon, Yet we'll go no more a roving By the light of the moon. --Lord Byron [George Gordon Byron] (17881824) English Romantic poet and satirist. "So We'll Go No More A-Roving" [1817] - Love and marriage, love and marriage, Go together like a horse and carriage, This I tell ya, brother, Ya can't have one without the other. --Sammy Cahn (19131993) American songwriter. "Love and Marriage" [1955 song] Matrimony is not a word, it's a sentence. --Eddie Cantor (18821964) American comedian, actor, singer, and songwriter. Quoted in "Reader's Digest" [March 1934]. - There's two things I know for sure, She was sent here from heaven, and she's daddy's little girl. As I drop to my knees by her bed at night, she talks to Jesus and I close my eyes. And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all, for... Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer. Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair. "Walk beside the pony daddy, my first ride. I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried." Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right To deserve a hug every morning And butterfly kisses at night. Sweet sixteen today, She's looking like her momma a little more every day. One part woman, the other part girl. To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls. Trying her wings out in a great big world. But I remember... Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer. Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair. "You know how much I love you daddy, But if you don't mind, I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek this time." With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right. To deserve her love every morning, And butterfly kisses at night. All the precious time Like the wind, the years go by Precious butterfly Spread your wings and fly. She'll change her name today. She'll make a promise, and I'll give her away. Standing in the bride room just staring at her, she asked me what I'm thinking, and I said "I'm not sure, I just feel like l'm losing my baby girl." Then she leaned over...and gave me... Butterfly kisses, with her mama there Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair "Walk me down the aisle daddy, its just about time. Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy? Daddy don't cry." With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right To deserve her love every morning And butterfly kisses I couldn't ask God for more, man, this is what love is I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses... --"Butterfly Kisses" (written by Bob Carlisle and Randy Thomas) ^ When he was eighty, the late Spanish cellist Pablo Casals was warned that consummating his marriage with his new young wife might prove fatal. 'If she dies, she dies,' he replied. _The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Sex" ^ The very fact that we make such a to-do over golden weddings indicates our amazement at human endurance. The celebration is more in the nature of a reward for stamina. --Ilka Chase (19051978) American author and actress. _Free Admission_ [1948] Women deprived of the company of men pine, men deprived of the company of women become stupid. --Anton Chekhov (18601904) Russian dramatist and short-story writer. _Notebooks_ [1921] Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. --G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton (18741936) English essayist, novelist, and poet. Attributed in Evan Esar _20,000 Quips & Quotes_, p. 15 [1995]. Married in haste, we may repent at leisure. --William Congreve (16701729) English dramatist. "The Old Bachelor" act 5, sc. I [1693] [Recipe for marital happiness:] Whenever you can, read at meals. --Cyril Connolly (19031974) English writer. Quoted in Clive Fisher _Cyril Connolly: A Nostalgic Life_ [1995]. I never married, because there is no need of it. I have three pets at home which together answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls all the morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon, and a cat which comes home late at night. --Marie Corelli (18551924) British author. Attributed in "The Rotarian" [February 1940]. Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with thirty-nine inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies. --attributed to Tony Curtis [Bernard Schwartz] (19252010) American actor. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! --attributed to Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen] (19212004) American comedian. If you want to be happy living a king's life Never make a pretty woman your wife. [...] That's from a logical point of view To always love a woman uglier than you. --Raphael De Leon (19081999) Trinidadian calypso singer and songwriter. "Ugly Woman" [1934 song] We had a civil ceremony his mother didn't come. --Phyllis Diller (b. 1917) American comedian. Quoted in "Phyllis Diller: Live and at Home" by Joanne Kaufman in _Wall Street Journal_ [5 August 2005]. [Of Socrates:] Being asked whether it was better to marry or not, he replied, 'Whichever you do, you will repent it.' --Diogenes Laλrtius (fl. early 3rd century) Greek author noted for his history of Greek philosophy. _Lives of the Eminent Philosophers_, "Socrates" - It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. --Benjamin Disraeli (18041881) British Tory statesman, novelist, and Prime Minister [1868, 1874-80]. _The Young Duke_ [1831] Every woman should marry and no man. --Benjamin Disraeli (18041881) British Tory statesman, novelist, and Prime Minister [1868, 1874-80]. _Lothair_, ch. XXX [1870] - [Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx):] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first. --"Duck Soup" [1933 film] Screenplay by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby. What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting. --George Eliot [Mary Ann Evans] (18191880) English novelist. _Adam Bede_ [1859] Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in. --Ralph Waldo Emerson (18031882) American philosopher and poet. _Representative Men_ [1850] "Montaigne; or, The Skeptic" - [Niece (Gloria Jean):] Why didn't you ever marry? [The Great Man (W.C. Fields):] I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. 'Tis the one thing I'm indebted to her for. --W. C. Fields [William Claude Dukenfield] (18801946) American vaudeville star and film actor. --"Never Give a Sucker an Even Break" [1941 film] Screenplay by Prescott Chaplin and John T. Neville, from a story by W. C. Fields. Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. --W. C. Fields [William Claude Dukenfield] (18801946) American vaudeville star and film actor. Quoted in Carlotta Monti (his mistress) _W.C. Fields & Me_ [1971]. - When the news of Napoleon's death came, before the King [George IV] had been informed of it by his Ministers, Sir E. Nagle, anxious to communicate the welcome tidings, said to him, 'Sir, your bitterest enemy is dead.' 'Is she, by God!' said the tender husband. --Henry Richard Fox [Baron Holland of Foxley and of Holland] (17731840) British Whig politician. _Diary_ [25 August 1821] - Where there's Marriage without Love, there will be Love without Marriage. --Benjamin Franklin (17061790) American politician, inventor, and scientist. _Poor Richard's Almanack_ [May 1734] Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin (17061790) American politician, inventor, and scientist. _Poor Richard's Almanack_ [June 1738] Don't you know, that all wives are in the right? It may be you don't, for you are yet a young husband. --Benjamin Franklin (17061790) American politician, inventor, and scientist. Letter to James Read [17 August 1745]. - A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (b. 1919) Hungarian-born film actress. Quoted in "Newsweek" magazine [28 March 1960]. [Upon first seeing his future wife, Caroline of Brunswick:] Harris, I am not well; pray get me a glass of brandy. --King George IV (17621830) King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland [18201830]. In _Diaries And Correspondence Of James Harris, First Earl Of Malmesbury_, edited by his grandson, the Third Earl [1844]. - Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?" And he answered saying: "You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." --Kahlil Gibran (18831931) Lebanese poet. "The Prophet" [1924] - - Here's a first rate opportunity To get married with impunity, To indulge in the felicity Of unbounded domesticity. You shall quickly be parsonified, Conjugally matrimonified, By a doctor of divinity, Who is located in this vicinity. --W. S. Gilbert (18361911) English writer of comic and satirical verse. _Pirates of Penzance_, act I [1879] - Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (17491832) German poet, novelist, and playwright. Attributed in Laurence J. Peter _The Peter Prescription_ [1972]. I ... chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, not for a fine glossy surface, but such qualities as would wear well. --Oliver Goldsmith (17281774) Anglo-Irish writer, poet, and dramatist. _The Vicar of Wakefield_, ch. I [1766 novel, completed 1762] [Remark to William Butler Yeats:] Poets should never marry. The world should thank me for not marrying you. --Maud Gonne (18671953) English-born Irish revolutionary, feminist and actress. Quoted in Nancy Cardozo _Lucky Eyes and a High Heart: The Life of Maud Gonne_ [1978]. The most threatened group in human societies, as in animal societies, is the unmated male: the unmated male is more likely to wind up in prison or in an asylum or dead than his mated counterpart. He is less likely to be promoted at work and he is considered a poor credit risk. --Germaine Greer (b. 1939) Australian feminist. _Sex and Destiny: The Politics of Human Fertility_, ch. 2 [1984] - There is no regular path for getting out of love as there is for getting in. Some people look upon marriage as a short cut that way, but it has been known to fail. --Thomas Hardy (18401928) English novelist and poet. _Far from the Madding Crowd_ [1874] And so, standing before the aforesaid officiator, the two swore that at every other time of their lives till death took them, they would assuredly believe, feel, and desire precisely as they had believed, felt, and desired during the few preceding weeks. What was as remarkable as the undertaking itself was the fact that nobody seemed at all surprised at what they swore. --Thomas Hardy (18401928) English novelist and poet. _Jude the Obscure_, pt. I, ch. 9 [1896] - - Verse 1 Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play? I don't remember growing older. When did they? When did she get to be a beauty? When did he grow to be so tall? Wasn't it yesterday when they were small? Refrain Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset, Swiftly flow the days; Seedlings turn overnight to sunflow'rs, Blossoming even as we gaze. Sunrise, sunset, Sunrise, sunset, Swiftly fly the years; One season following another, Laden with happiness and tears. Verse 2 Now is the little boy a bridegroom, Now is the little girl a bride. Under the canopy I see them, Side by side. Place the gold ring around her finger, Share the sweet wine and break the glass; Soon the full circle will have come to pass. --Sheldon Harnick (b. 1924) American lyricist. "Sunrise, Sunset" 1964 song from the stage production of _Fiddler on the Roof_, w/music by Jerry Bock. - Marriage is a custom brought about by women who then proceed to live off men and destroy them, completely enveloping the man in a destructive cocoon or eating him away like a poisonous fungus on a tree. --Richard Harris (19302002) Irish actor, singer, and songwriter. Quoted in "New Woman" (mag.) [1983]. - Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries first. And still another: See to it that she has her own desk, then keep your hands off it! And another, in a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once! --Robert Heinlein (19071988) American science-fiction writer. _Time Enough for Love_ [1973] Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers. --Robert Heinlein (19071988) American science-fiction writer. _Time Enough for Love_ [1973] - Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and I was three. --Billie Holliday [Eleanora Fagan] (19151959) American jazz singer. The opening lines of her autobiography _Lady Sings the Blues_ [1956, with William F. Duffy]. My dearest, she's dead let's get married at once. --Miss Adeline Horsey de Horsey (18241915) Paramour of Lord Cardigan [referring to the death of his estranged wife in July 1858; they married in September.] _My Recollections_ [1909] [The institution of marriage] is drafty, it's leaky, the roof sags, the timbers shake, there's no modern plumbing, no hard wood floors, no steam heat. We don't feel comfortable in it. We've outgrown the edifice. --Fannie Hurst (18891968) American novelist and dramatist. In Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster _The Century_, p. 117 [1998]. It's a sad fact that fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones! --Richard Jeni (19572007) American stand-up comedian and actor. Quoted in H. Aaron Cohl _Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes_ [1997]. - Throughout the Nineties, the birthrate of babies born to teen mothers fell sharply, a positive development that eased some of the inevitable familial pressures on young mothers. The bad news is that the number of unwed mothers is rising alarmingly. Only a generation ago, unwed motherhood was still the exception in America. In 1980, most teen mothers were married. By the end of the Nineties, two-thirds of Hispanic and white teen mothers were unmarried. Figures for black teen mothers were both astonishing and appalling: *Ninety-five percent of black teen mothers were unmarried.* As the Wall Street Journal commented on these overall figures, "These bare facts have huge and horrific implications for society. Many of our seemingly entrenched social pathologies can be directly correlated to the marital status of the young mother. A teenager with a baby but no husband is three times more likely to end up on welfare than a teen mother who is married. One of the best predictors of whether a child will grow up in poverty, use drugs and turn to crime is whether or not his parents are married. (This is true no matter the age of the mother.)" --Haynes Johnson (b. 1931) American journalist; winner of the 1966 Pulitzer Prize for National Reporting. _The Best of Times: America in the Clinton Years_, p. 463 [2001] - - Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. --Samuel Johnson (17091784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. _Rasselas_, ch. 26 [1759] I believe it will be found that those who marry late are best pleased with their children; and those who marry early, with their partners. --Samuel Johnson (17091784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. _Rasselas_ [1759] [Of a man who remarried after the death of his first wife, with whom he had been unhappy:] The triumph of hope over experience. --Samuel Johnson (17091784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. In James Boswell _The Life of Samuel Johnson_ (Entry of 1770) [1791]. - Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty- fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn't understand either men or percentages. --attributed to Florynce R. Kennedy (19162001) American lawyer, feminist, and author. Quoted in Gloria Kaufman & Mary Kay Blakely (eds.) _Pulling Our Own Strings_ [1980]. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house. --Jean Kerr (19232003) American writer, [wife of Walter Kerr]. "The Ten Worst Things about a Man" in _The Snake Has All the Lines_ [1958]. 'Tis sad when you think of her wasted life, For youth cannot mate with age, And her beauty was sold for an old man's gold, She's a bird in a gilded cage. --Arthur J. Lamb (18701928) American songwriter. "A Bird in a Gilded Cage" [1900] [To Harpo Marx, upon meeting Harpo's fiancιe:] She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. --Oscar Levant (19061972) American pianist and actor. Attributed in Lowell D. Streiker (comp.) _A Treasury of Humor_ [2000]. The way to handle wives, like the fellow says, is to catch 'em early, treat 'em rough, and tell 'em nothing. --Sinclair Lewis (18851951) American novelist and playwright. _Main Street_ [1920] I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockhead enough to have me. --Abraham Lincoln (18091865) American Republican statesman, President [18611865]. Letter to Mrs. Orville H. Browning [1 April 1838]. Him that I love, I wish to be Free Even from me. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh (19062001) American writer and wife of Charles Lindbergh. "Even" [1956] The preacher asked her And she said, "I do." The preacher asked me And she said, "Yes, he does too." The preacher said, "I pronounce you 99 to life Son, she's no lady, she's your wife." --Lyle Lovett (b. 1956) American country singer and songwriter. "She's No Lady" [1988 song] Marriage is like a three ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suff-ering. --Ed Lowry (18961983) American vaudeville entertainer. Quoted in Paul M. Levitt _The Collected Jokes, Routines, and Skits of Ed Lowry_ [2006]. - Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. --attributed to Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (18951977) American film comedian. [Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho Marx):] Emily [...] marry me and I'll never look at another horse. --George Seaton (19111979) American screenwriter, director, and producer. Screenplay for _A Day at the Races_ [1937]. Leo Rosten: I'd like to say good-bye to your wife. Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx: Who wouldn't? (Leo Rosten (19081997) American writer and social scientist.) In Leo Rosten _People I Have Loved, Known or Admired _ [1970]. - Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason [Yacov Moshe Moaza] (b. 1931) American ordained rabbi and stand-up comedian. Quoted in Robert Byrne _1911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said_ [1988]. I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it. --Walter Matthau (19202000) American actor. Attributed in Geoff Tibballs _The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners_ [2004]. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. --Mignon McLaughlin (19131983) American journalist and author. Numerous sources indicate this was found in "Atlantic" [July 1965]. - He marries best who puts it off until it is too late. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (18801956) American journalist and literary critic. _A Little Book in C Major_ [1916] Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (18801956) American journalist and literary critic. _A Book of Burlesques_ [1916] No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (18801956) American journalist and literary critic. _A Mencken Chrestomathy_ [1949] Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married too. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (18801956) American journalist and literary critic. _A Mencken Chrestomathy_ [1949] There is, of course, no telling, but the experience of others seems to indicate that marriage inevitably wears out, if not altogether, then at least around the edges. I incline to believe that we'd have survived this letting down without real damage. Marriage is nine-tenths talk, and up to her last illness we were still amusing each other. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (18801956) American journalist and literary critic. Charles A. Fecher (ed.) _The Diary of H.L. Mencken_ [1990] - Was it for this I uttered prayers, And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs, That now, domestic as a plate, I should retire at half-past eight? --Edna St. Vincent Millay (18921950) American poet. _A Few Figs from Thistles_ [1920], "Grown-up" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. --Spike [Terence Alan] Milligan (19182002) Irish novelist, poet, musician, and comedian. Attributed in Des MacHale _Wit_ [2000]. There once was an old man of Lyme Who married three wives at a time; When asked, "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime." --William Cosmo Monkhouse (18401901) English poet and critic. "There Once Was an Old Man of Lyme" - Since you, Mr. H. will marry black Kate, Accept of good wishes for that blessed state: May you fight all the day like a dog and a cat, And yet ev'ry year produce a new brat. May she never be honestyou never be sound, May her tongue like a clapper be heard a mile round; Till abandon'd by joy, and deserted by grace, You hang yourselves both in the very same place. --Lady Mary Wortley Montagu [nιe Pierrepont] (16891762) English aristocrat and writer. _Epithalamium_ ^ [Of marriage:] It happens as with cages: the birds who are outside despair to get in, and those inside despair of getting out. --Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (15331592) French moralist and essayist. _Essais_ (Essays) [94 chapters written 15711580 & published 1580; the last 13 chapters were written 15851587 & published 1588.] Bk. 3, ch. 5 [1580]. Dwarfing all known records for matrimonial homicide, Mr Peter Scott of Southsea made seven attempts to kill his wife without her once noticing that anything was wrong. In 1980 he took out an insurance policy on his good lady which would bring him £250,000 in the event of her accidental death. Soon afterward, he placed a lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan, but it all rolled out. Not wishing to waste the lethal substance, he then stuffed her mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time she ate it, but with no side effects whatsoever. Warming to the task, he then took his wife on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff she declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some 'sixth sense.' The same occurred only weeks later when he urged her to savour the view from Beachy Head. When his spouse was in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside the bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out. Undeterred, he started another fire and burnt down the whole flat in Turswell Road, Southsea: the wife of his bosom escaped uninjured. Another time he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so that he could drive towards her and check if his brakes were working. At no time did Mrs Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage. Since it appeared that nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have alerted this good woman to her husband's intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed all to the police. After the case, a detective said Mrs Scott was absolutely shattered when told of her husband's plot to kill her. She had not clued it at all and she was dumbstruck. --John Mortimer (19232009) English barrister and author. In _The Best After-Dinner Stories_ Selected and introduced by Tim Heald [2003]. To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. --Ogden Nash (19021971) American writer of humorous poetry. "A Word to Husbands" in _Marriage Lines_ [1964]. The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. --attributed to Harold Nicolson (18861968) English diplomat, politician, and writer. - When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (18441900) German classical scholar, philosopher, and critic of culture. Attributed in William Safire & Leonard Safir _Words of Wisdom: More Good Advice_ [1989]. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. --attributed to Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (18441900) German classical scholar, philosopher, and critic of culture. - - Woman wants monogamy; Man delights in novelty. Love is woman's moon and sun; Man has other forms of fun. With this the gist and sum of it, What earthly good can come of it? --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. "General Review of the Sex Situation" l. I [1926] By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. "Unfortunate Coincidence" [1926] [On being informed that editor Harold Ross had called her on her honeymoon demanding a belated article:] Tell him I've been too fucking busy or vice versa. --Dorothy Parker (18931967) American critic and humorist. Quoted in John Keats _You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker_ [1970]. - No woman marries for money: they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. --Cesare Pavese (19081950) Italian novelist, poet, and translator. Attributed in Connie Robertson _The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations_, p. 321 [3rd ed., 1998]. But in Marriage do thou be wise; prefer the _Person_ before Money; _Vertue_ before Beauty, the _Mind_ before the Body: Then thou hast a _Wife,_ a _Friend,_ a _Companion,- a _Second Self;_ one that bears an equal Share with thee in all thy Toyls and Troubles. --William Penn (16441718) Quaker leader and advocate of religious freedom who oversaw the founding of the American Commonwealth of Pennsylvania as a refuge for Quakers and other religious minorities of Europe. _Some Fruits of Solitude in Reflections and Maxims_, # 92 [1682] Advice to persons about to marry 'Don't.' --"Punch" (English comic periodical) [4 January 1845] My son is my son till he gets him a wife, but my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life. --John Ray (16271705) English naturalist and botanist. _A Collection of English Proverbs_ [1670] Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against a wide sky. --Rainer Maria Rilke (18751926) Austro-German poet. _Letters Of Rainer Maria Rilke_, vol. 1 [1945] - Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. --Helen Rowland (18751950) American writer. _The Rubaiyat of a Bachelor_ [1915] Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it. --Helen Rowland (18751950) American writer. _A Guide to Men_, [1922] "First Interlude" Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second- nature in a married man. --Helen Rowland (18751950) American writer. _A Guide to Men_ "Syncopations" [1922], as quoted in Robert Andrews _The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations_, p. 521 [1993]. When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. --Helen Rowland (18751950) American writer. Quoted in Evan Esar _The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations_ [1949]. - Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper. --Scottish proverb No, no, Orlando; men are April when they woo, December when they wed. --William Shakespeare (15641616) English dramatist. _As You Like It_, IV, i [1599] - When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw (18561950) Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.] "Getting Married" [1908] All young women begin by believing they can change the men they marry. They can't. --George Bernard Shaw (18561950) Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.] "On the Rocks" [1933] - You had no taste when you married me. --Richard Brinsley Sheridan (17511816) Anglo-Irish dramatist. _The School for Scandal_, I, i [1777] My dear, my better half. --Sir Philip Sidney (15541586) English soldier, poet, and courtier. _The Arcadia_, bk. 3, ch. 12 [written 1580] All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. --attributed to Red [Richard Bernard] Skelton (19131997) American comedian. My definition of marriage ... it resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in other directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. --Sydney Smith (17711845) English clergyman and essayist. In Lady Holland (Smith's daughter) _Memoir_, vol. I, ch. 11 [1855]. Venus, a beautiful, good-natured lady, was the goddess of love; Juno, a terrible shrew, the goddess of marriage; and they were always mortal enemies. --Jonathan Swift (16671745) Anglo-Irish poet and satirist. _Thoughts on Various Subjects_ [1706] "Moral and Diverting" Remember, it's as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman. --William Makepeace Thackeray (18111863) English novelist. _Pendennis_, ch. XXVIII [18481850] The most dangerous food is wedding cake. --attributed to James Thurber (18941961) American humorist and cartoonist. The middle years of marriage are the most crucial. In the early years, spouses want each other and in late years, they need each other. --Rebecca Tilly Quoted in "The Reader's Digest", Volume 135 [1989]. After my marriage, she edited everything I wrote. And what is more she not only edited my works she edited me! --Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (18351910) American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot. (Of his wife, Livy; in Van Wyck Brooks' _The Ordeal of Mark Twain_ [1920].) When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead on the street, I always hope he's dead. --Judith Viorst (b. 1931) American author. "True Love" in _New York Magazine_ [13 May 1968]. Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days until the condition clears up. --attributed to Peter De Vries (19101993) American editor and novelist. - [Tira, played by Mae West, speaking:] Marriage is a great institution but I'm not ready for an institution. --Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. "I'm No Angel" [1933 film], screenplay by West. Don't marry a man to reform him that's what reform schools are for. --attributed to Mae West (18931980) American stage and film actress. - - Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed. --Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _The Picture of Dorian Gray_, ch. 4 [1891] The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life. --Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _The Picture of Dorian Gray_, ch. 8 [1891] When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. --Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _The Picture of Dorian Gray_, ch. 15 [1891] There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose, men don't like them. --Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _An Ideal Husband_, act 1 [1895] Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation. --Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _De Profundis_ [1905] Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --attributed to Oscar Wilde (18541900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. - Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah now that's a real treat! --attributed to Joanne Woodward (b. 1930) American actress. - I've been in love with the same woman for forty- one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. --attributed to Henny Youngman (19061998) English-born American stand-up comedian. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays. --attributed to Henny Youngman (19061998) English-born American stand-up comedian. - - If the wife should say to her husband, 'I no longer want you for my husband,' she is to be thrown into the water with her hands and feet tied. On the other hand, if he should say, 'I no longer want you for my wife,' he is to pay her 80 grams of silver. --Marriage contract c. 1700 B.C., in _History in Quotations_ (ed.) M.J. Cohan and John Major [2004]. The plural of spouse is spice. --anon. Credited to a "youthful exponent of English" in _The Weekly Underwriter_ [22 April 1911]. The glance over cocktails That seemed to be so sweet Doesn't seem quite so amorous Over Shredded Wheat. --anon. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. --anon. -- When Barbara and Jim were dating, Barbara became concerned over the lavish amount of money Jim was spending on her. After an expensive dinner date, she asked her mother, What can I do to stop Jim from spending so much money on me? Her mother replied simply, Marry him. -- While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" -- The Bride said, "I'm going home to Mother!" The Groom responded, "Good, I'll join you and we can both get a decent meal." -- The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" The clergyman replied: "Not yet, but soon." -- The bride was advised that if she wanted an unforgettable night she should get the groom to eat a dozen oysters. Next day she thanked her friend but said only eight of them had worked. -- Wedding Telegrams To the bride: Congratulations, Mabel. It was better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. --Southside Football Club, and coach. To groom: Put a penny in a jar every time. After a year you'll have enough to take a penny out every time - for the rest of your life. To the bride: Congratulations and I hope you find the magnifying glass useful. -- I never could stand Melvin, Why I married him I'll never know. And for seventeen miserable years I have said Melvin has got to go! I tried poisoning cakes, Stripping his brakes, salting his pork chops with lime ~~ Wiring his chair, Igniting his hair even though playing with fire is a crime. But I failed at each plot Till I suddenly thought of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good ~~ and, know what? Thay can't do a thing to me! I took him back to Wal-Mart! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't recall selling him, But they must have if I said so. They just credited him to my Visa and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?" They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent I will! I'll take back his mother next year! They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. and know what else? this time of year? You don't even need a receipt! --anon. --- KIDS ON MARRIAGE HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 - A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. -- Scene at San Francisco City Hall "Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!" --anon. -- World's Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End -- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have." she replied, "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama." -- ----- digamy (noun) ['di-gκ-mi] A second marriage after a divorce or the passing of a spouse. Syn.: deuterogamy Bigamy is illegal marriage to two spouses simultaneously; digamy is marriage to two spouses in legal succession. Polygamy is marriage to several partners simultaneously- "polygyny" refers to having several wives while "polyandry" refers to having several husbands. The adjective for digamy is digamous and sounds like bigamous. morganatic [mawr-guh-NAT-ik], adjective: Of or pertaining to a form of marriage in which a person of high rank, as a member of the nobility, marries someone of lower station with the stipulation that neither the low-ranking spouse nor their children, if any, will have any claim to the titles or entailed property of the high-ranking partner. shivaree [SHIV-uh-ree], noun: 1. A mock serenade with kettles, pans, horns, and other noisemakers given for a newly married couple. 2. An elaborate, noisy celebration. end page | MACARTHUR (DOUGLAS) - MALICE | MAN - MARINES | MARRIAGE | MARTYRS - MAUGHAM (WILLIAM SOMERSET) | McCARTHY - MEANNESS | MEDIA (THE) | MEDICINE - MEMORIAL DAY | MEMORIES - MEMORY | MEN - MEN v. WOMEN | MENTAL ILLNESS - MILK | MIND (THE) - MINDING OWN BUSINESS | MINNESOTA - MISERY | MISFORTUNE - MISSOURI | MISTAKES | MISTAKEN IDENTITY - MODESTY | MONEY | MONROE - MOON | MORAL ASSASINATION - MORALITY | MORNING - MOUNTAINS | MOVIE DIALOGUE - MUSHROOMS | MUSIC - MYTHOLOGY | | H | I - J | K - L | M | N - O | P - Q | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The Reviews | |
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