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INSULTS
INSURANCE --- INTEGRITY

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INSULTS

see: "COMMUNICATION" for related links
see: "HURTING (SOMEONE)" for related links


A thick skin is a gift from God.
--Konrad Adenauer (1876—1967)
German statesman.
In "New York Times" [30 December 1959].

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread,
they can sure make something out of you.
--Muhammad Ali (Cassius Marcellus Clay) (b. 1942)
American heavyweight boxer.
Quoted in "Jet" (mag.) [3 January 1980].

Doreen was okay, though. There was nothing wrong with
her that a vasectomy of the vocal cords would not fix.
--Lisa Alther (b. 1944)
American author.
_Kinflicks_ [1976]

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
--attributed to Aristophanes (c. 450—c. 388 B.C.)
Greek comic dramatist.

[Referring to David Lloyd George:]
He can't see a belt without hitting below it.
--Margot Asquith [Emma Alice Margaret Tennant] (1864—1945)
British society figure.
Quoted in "Listener" [11 June 1953].

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at
a dinner party, "Winston, if you were my husband,
I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied,
"Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
--This anecdote is apocryphal and is based on an
old joke which has been traced back to at least the
turn of the 20th century.

[When asked by Dale Carnegie if he was
troubled by the attacks of his enemies:]
No man can humiliate me or disturb me. I won't let him.
--Bernard Baruch (1870—1965)
American financier.
Quoted in Dale Carnegie _How to Stop Worrying and Start Living_ [1948].

[Of Clement Attlee:]
He brings to the fierce struggle of politics the
tepid enthusiasm of a lazy summer afternoon
at a cricket match.
--Aneurin Bevan (1897—1960)
British Labour politician.
Quoted in "The Tribune" [1945].

A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
--Bible
"Proverbs" 12:16 NIV

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs
Carlyle marry one another and so make only two
people miserable instead of four.
--Samuel Butler (1835—1902)
English novelist, essayist, and critic.
Letter to Miss E.M.A. Savage [21 November 1884].

-

Richard Porson:
Yes, Mr. Southey is indeed a wonderful poet. He
will be read when Homer and Virgil are forgotten.

Byron:
But not till then.

--Lord Byron [George Gordon Byron] (1788—1824)
English Romantic poet and satirist.
As quoted in John Berryman's _Love and Fame_ [1970], "The Other Cambridge".

-

[Of Signal Corps Colonel Schlosberg:]
In fact, everything about the good Colonel was bottom heavy. He had
the humor of unleavened dough, the charm of a bag of cement, and
the tact of a Mack Sennett rubber mallet.
--Frank Capra (1897—1991)
Sicilian-born American film director.
_Frank Capra, The Name Above the Title: An Autobiography_ [1971]

He's a muddle-headed fool, with frequent lucid intervals.
--Miguel de Cervantes (1547—1616)
Spanish novelist.
"Don Quixote de la Mancha", pt. 2, ch. 18 [1615]

An injury is much soon forgotten than an insult.
--Lord Chesterfield [Philip Dormer Stanhope] (1694—1773)
British writer and politician.
Letter to His Son [9 October 1746].

Portly G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton once remarked to the
exiguous George Bernard Shaw: "To look at you, anyone
would think there was a famine in England." To which Shaw
replied: "To look at you, anyone would think you caused it."
--Quoted in "A Nasty Way With Words" by Alexander Theroux,
reviewing _Poisoned Pens_ ed. by Gary Dexter. In _The Wall
Street Journal_ [20 November 2009].

-

[Of Clement Attlee:]
A modest man who has a good deal to be modest about.
--Winston Churchill (1874—1965)
British Conservative statesman and Prime Minister [1940—1945, 1951—1955].
In "Chicago Sunday Tribune Magazine of Books" [27 June 1954].


[Of Clement Attlee:]
A sheep in sheep's clothing.
--Winston Churchill (1874—1965)
British Conservative statesman and Prime Minister [1940—1945, 1951—1955].
Quoted in Geoffrey Willans and Charles Roetter
_The Wit of Winston Churchill_ [1954].
Note: See Edmund Gosse below.

[Of Stafford Cripps:]
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
--Winston Churchill (1874—1965)
British Conservative statesman and Prime Minister [1940—1945, 1951—1955].
Quoted in Bill Adler (ed.) _The Churchill Wit_ [1965].

-

I've just learned about his illness.
Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
--attributed to Irvin S. Cobb (1876—1944)
American author and journalist.

It is always easier to hear an insult and not retaliate than
have the courage to fight back against someone stronger
than yourself; we can always say we're not hurt by the
stones others throw at us, and it's only at night — when
we're alone and our wife or our husband or our school
friend is asleep — that we can silently grieve over our
own cowardice.
--Paulo Coelho (b. 1947)
Brazilian lyricist and novelist.
_The Devil and Miss Prym_ [2000]

Injuries accompanied with insults are never forgiven; all men,
on these occasions, are good haters, and lay out their revenge
at compound interest.
--C.C. Colton (1780—1832)
English clergyman and writer.
_Lacon: or, Many Things in Few Words_, CCCCLIX [1820]

-

A moral, sensible, and well-bred man,
Will not affront me, and no other can.
--William Cowper (1731—1800)
English poet and hymnodist.
_Conversation_, l. 193

& note:

A gentleman will not insult me, and no
man not a gentleman can insult me.
--attributed to Frederick Douglass [Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey]
(c.1818—1895)
American abolitionist, reformer, and writer.

Also: See Publilius Syrus below

-

He'd make a lovely corpse.
--Charles Dickens (1812—1870)
English novelist.
_Martin Chuzzlewit_, ch. 25 [1844]

-

[Of Gladstone:]
A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
--Benjamin Disraeli (1804—1881)
British Tory statesman, novelist, and Prime Minister [1868, 1874—1880].
Speech at Knightsbridge [28 July 1878].


[When asked to distinguish between misfortune and calamity:]
If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that
would be a misfortune; and if anybody
pulled him out, that, I suppose, would
be a calamity.
--Benjamin Disraeli (1804—1881)
British Tory statesman, novelist, and Prime Minister [1868, 1874—1880].
Quoted in Wilfrid Meynell
_Benjamin Disraeli: An Unconventional Biography_ [1903].

-

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere,
so we will patiently grope round for it.
--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859—1930)
Scottish-born writer of detective fiction.
_The Lost World_ [1912]

[Of a law lord:]
He is not only dull himself, but
the cause of dullness in others.
--Samuel Foote (1720—1777)
English dramatist and actor.
Quoted in James Boswell _The Life of Samuel Johnson_ (entry of 1783) [1791].

Something of the code of the Southern gentleman has
survived and differentiates us. ... Southerners can be
insulted. With some Easterners, it's impossible.
--attributed to Shelby Foote (1916—2005)
American author.

The first human to hurl an insult instead of
a stone, was the founder of civilization.
--attributed to Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
Austrian psychiatrist.

Your main Fault is, you are good for nothing.
--Thomas Fuller (1654—1734)
English writer and physician.
Comp., _Gnomologia: Adages and Proverbs_, 6054 [1732]

I hate the man who builds his name
On ruins of another's fame.
--John Gay (1685—1732)
English poet and dramatist.
_Fables_, pt. 1 [1727], "The Poet and the Rose"

[On Sir Herbert Samuel:]
When they circumcised him they threw away the wrong bit.
--David Lloyd George (1863—1945)
Welsh-born British Prime Minister [1916—1922].
Quoted in Godfrey Smith _The English Companion: An
Idiosyncratic Guide to England and Englishness from A to Z_ [1985].

No one can have a higher opinion of him than
I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
--W. S. Gilbert (1836—1911)
English writer of comic and satirical verse.
Attributed in "Reader's Digest, vol. 30 [1937].

[On the 'woolly-bearded poet' Sturge Moore:]
A sheep in sheep's clothing.
--Edmund Gosse (1849—1928)
English translator and literary historian.
Quoted in Ferris Greenslet _Under the Bridge_ [1943].
(See Churchill above)

[On being criticised by Sir Geoffery Howe:]
Like being savaged by dead sheep.
--Denis Healey (b. 1917)
British economist and statesman, writer,
and chancellor of the Exchequer [1974-79].

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid
moments when he was merely stupid.
--Heinrich Heine (1797—1856)
German poet.
Said of Savoye, appointed ambassador to Frankfurt by Lamartine [1848].

[Of President George H. W. Bush:]
If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I
want drillin' rights on that man's head.
--Jim Hightower (b. 1943)
American syndicated columnist and populist activist.
Quoted in Molly Ivins _Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?_ [1991].

-

The danger of living in a world where you can't
hear from Michael Moore is very slim.

[...]

But speaking here in my capacity as a polished,
sophisticated European as well, it seems to me
the laugh here is on the polished, sophisticated
Europeans. They think Americans are fat, vulgar,
greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant and so
on. And they've taken as their own, as their
representative American someone who actually
embodies all of those qualities.

--Christopher Hitchens (b. 1949)
British journalist, author, and literary critic.
On "Scarborough Country" MSNBC [18 May 2004]

-

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched,
bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling
dear, I feel the same when you're near.
--Samuel Hoffenstein (1890—1947)
Russian-born Hollywood screenwriter.
"Poems of Passion Carefully Restrained So as to Offend Nobody"

He has every characteristic of a dog except loyalty.
--Sam Houston (1793—1863)
President of the Republic of Texas.
Quoted in Leon A. Harris _The Fine Art of Political Wit_ [1964].

[Of Clark Gable:]
That man's ears make him look like
a taxi-cab with both doors open.
--Howard Hughes Jr. (1905—1976)
American industrialist, aviator, and film producer.
Quoted in Charles Higham and Joel Greenberg _Celluloid Muse_ [1969].

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
--Cordell Hull (1871—1955)
American lawyer, U.S. Senator and Secretary of State for FDR.
Attributed in _Reader's Digest_, vol. 106 [1975]; attributed
as an "African proverb" in other sources.

[Of Gerald R. Ford:]
That's what happens when you play football too long without a helmet.
--Lyndon B. Johnson (1908—1973)
American Democratic statesman, President [1963—1969].
Quoted in "N.Y. Times" [30 April 1967].

Whatever be the motive of insult, it is always best to
overlook it; for folly scarcely can deserve resentment,
and malice is punished by neglect.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
_The Rambler_ (English twice-weekly journal) [15 February 1752]

[Of John Hewson, the Australian Liberal leader:]
... is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
--Paul Keating (b. 1944)
24th Prime Minister of Australia [1991—1996].
Quoted in David Gould _Chronicle of the Year 1990_ [1991].
However, in _Hard Labour_ [1987] Mike Moore attributes
this to Rob Muldoon targeting Bill Rowling.

May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your
bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the
streets of Minneapolis.
--Garrison Keillor (b. 1942)
American writer and radio host.
Quoted in Robert Byrne _1911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said_ [1988].

[Of his publisher:]
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the
belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding
rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling,
dithering, palsied, pulseless lot that make up England
today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and
their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can
breed. They can nothing but frog-spawn — the
gibberers! God, how I hate them!
--D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence (1885—1930)
English novelist and poet.
Letter to Edward Garnett [3 July 1912].

^

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742—1799)
German scientist and drama critic.

One day a person not noted for his tact made a
slighting remark to Lichtenberg about his notably
large ears. Lichtenberg replied: 'Well, just think
of it — with my ears and your brains we'd make
a perfectly splendid ass, wouldn't we?'

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andrι Bernard [2000 ed.]

^

That [man] can compress the most words in
the fewest ideas of any man I ever knew.
--Abraham Lincoln (1809—1865)
American Republican statesman, President [1861—1865].
Quoted in Henry Clay Whitney _Life on the Circuit with Lincoln_ [1892].

There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't
used in high society — outside a kennel.
--Clare Boothe Luce (1903—1987)
American playwright and politician.
_The Women_ [1936]

The only gracious way to accept an insult is
to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it;
if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
--Russell Lynes (1910—1991)
American art critic.
Attributed in "Reader's Digest" (Brit. ed.) [December 1961].

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.
--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121—180)
Roman emperor [161—180] and Stoic philosopher.
_Meditations_, trans. Maxwell Staniforth [1964]

[Professor Wagstaff, (Groucho Marx):]
Baravelli, you've got the brain of four-year-old
boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
--"Horse Feathers" [1932 film]
Screenplay by Will B. Johnstone, Bert Kalmar, S.J. Perelman, and Harry Ruby.

[Of Lillian Hellman:]
Every word she writes is a lie, including 'and' and 'the'.
--Mary McCarthy (1912—1989)
American novelist.
In "New York Times" [16 February 1980].

[Of Abraham Lincoln:]
The President is nothing more than a well-meaning
baboon. ... I went to the White House directly after
tea where I found the original Gorilla about as
intelligent as ever. What a specimen to be at the
head of our affairs now!
--George B. McClellan (1826—1885)
American Union general during the Civil War.
(During the election campaign of 1864.)

Don't be so humble — you're not that great.
--Golda Meir (1898—1978)
A founder and the fourth prime minister [1969-74] of the State of Israel.
Quoted in _N.Y. Times_ [18 March 1969].

It is the insult and not the injury
that makes the deeper wounds.
--H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880—1956)
American journalist and literary critic.
"The Politician" _Prejudices: Fourth Series_ [1924]

A wise man is superior to any insults which can
be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly
behavior is patience and moderation.
--Jean Moliθre [Jean Baptiste Poquelin] (1622—1673)
French comic dramatist.
_Le Bourgeois gentilhomme_ (The Would-be Gentleman) [1670]

New Zealanders who leave for Australia raise the IQ of both countries.
--attributed to Sir Robert Muldoon (1921—1992)
Prime Minister of New Zealand [1975-84].

JOURNALIST:
"Hey Joe [Namath], How did you do in Basket
Weaving at [the University of] Alabama?"
JOE NAMATH:
"I flunked out, I switched to something easier
— journalism."
(Joe Namath (b. 1943) American football player.)

Professor Goddard does not know the relation
between action and reaction and the need to
have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
--1921 New York Times editorial, about
Bob Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
(Bob Goddard (1893—1945) American physicist
and one of the inventors of rocket propulsion.)

[To Dustin Hoffman, who had stayed up for three nights
to portray a sleepy character in "Marathon Man":]
Dear boy, why not try acting?
--Lord Laurence Olivier (1907—1989)
English actor and director.
Quoted in "Times" (London) [17 May 1982].

There are two things wrong with you. Everything
you say is wrong, and everything you do is wrong.
--John H. Patterson (1844—1922)
American industrialist.
Quoted in William Rodgers _Think: A Biography of the
Watsons and IBM_, p. 123 [Stein and Day, New York, 1969].

-

To add insult to injury.
--Gaius Julius Phaedrus (c. 15 B.C.— c. 50 A.D.)
The versifier of Aesop's Fables in Latin.
_Fables_ bk. 5

& see:

This is adding insult to injuries.
--Edward Moore (1712—1757)
English playwright.
"The Foundling", act 5, sc. 5 [1748]

-

At ev'ry Trifle scorn to take Offense,
That always shows Great Pride, or Little Sense.
--Alexander Pope (1688—1744)
English poet.
_An Essay on Criticism_, pt. II, l. 186 [1711]

You call yourself some kind of goddess and you know nothing,
madam, nothing. What don't die can't live. What don't live can't
change. What don't change can't learn. The smallest creature
that dies in the grass knows more than you. You're right. I'm
older. You've lived longer than me but I'm older than you. And
better'n you. And madam, that ain't hard.
--Terry Pratchett (b. 1948)
English science fiction writer.
_Lords and Ladies_ [1992]

-

A truly noble nature cannot be insulted.
--Publilius Syrus (85—43 B.C.)
Latin writer of mimes who was originally a slave.
_Moral Sayings_, #369, tr. Darius Lyman Jr. [1862]


A man of courage never endures an insult;
an honorable man never offers one.
--Publilius Syrus (85—43 B.C.)
Latin writer of mimes who was originally a slave.
_Moral Sayings_, #997, tr. Darius Lyman Jr. [1862]

-

[On Edward Livingston:]
He is a man of splendid abilities, but utterly
corrupt. He shines and stinks like a rotten
mackerel by moonlight.
--John Randolph (1773—1833)
American political leader who was an important proponent of the doctrine
of states' rights in opposition to a strong centralized government.
Quoted in W. Cabell Bruce _John Randolph of Roanoke_ [1922].

-

I will say to the gentleman that if I ever
'made light' of his remarks, it is more
than he ever made of them himself.
--Thomas Brackett Reed (1839—1902)
American lawyer and politician.
To William M. Springer of Illinois, in the House of Representatives [1881].


They [two fellow Congressmen] never open their mouths
without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
--Thomas Brackett Reed (1839—1902)
American lawyer and politician.
Quoted in Samuel W. McCall _The Life of Thomas Brackett Reed_ [1914].

-

Joggers are basically neurotic, bony, smug types who could bore
the paint off a DC-10. It is a scientifically proven fact that having
to sit through a three-minute conversation between two joggers
will cause your IQ to drop thirteen points.
--Rick Reilly
Quoted in Tom Steele _The Book of Classic Insults_ [1999].

People who cannot recognize a palpable absurdity
are very much in the way of civilization.
--Agnes Repplier (1855—1950)
American author.
_In Pursuit of Laughter_ [1936]

[Of Jesse Jackson:]
He reminds me of a seagull — he flies into town
and craps all over everything and flies out.
--T.J. Rodgers, CEO Cypress Semiconductor
In an interview with a television reporter; reprinted in Michael Shawn
Malone _Betting It All: The Entrepreneurs of Technology_ [2002].

[William McKinley] has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair.
--Theodore Roosevelt (1858—1919)
American Republican statesman and President [1901-09].
He was irked by the President's reluctance to declare war on Spain in 1898.
In Bill Adler, comp., _Presidential Wit: From Washington to Johnson_, p. 90 [1966].

Waldo is one ot those people who would
be enormously improved by death.
--Saki [Hector Hugh Munro] (1870—1916)
Scottish writer.
_Beasts and Super-Beasts_ [1914] "The Feast of Nemesis"

It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it.
--Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C.—65 A.D.)
Roman philosopher and poet.
"De Ira", II. 32

-

She speaks, yet she says nothing.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_Romeo and Juliet_, II, ii [1595-96]


Thou call'dst me dog before thou hadst a cause:
But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_The Merchant of Venice_, III, iii [1596-97]


When he is best he is a little worse than a man, and
when he is worst he is little better than a beast.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_The Merchant of Venice_, I, ii [1596-97]


The saying is true, 'The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.'
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_King Henry V_, IV, iv [1598-99]


OSWALD: What dost thou know me for?
KENT: A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud,
shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-
stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson,
glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting
slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and
art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar,
and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into
clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_King Lear_, II, ii [1605-06]


A pox o' your throat! You bawling, blasphemous,
incharitable dog!
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_The Tempest_, I, i [1611-12]

-

-

With the single exception of Homer, there is no eminent writer,
not even Sir Walter Scott, whom I can despise so entirely as I
despise Shakespeare when I measure my mind against his. The
intensity of my impatience with him occasionally reaches such
a pitch, that it would positively be a relief to me to dig him up
and throw stones at him, knowing as I do how incapable he
and his worshippers are of understanding any less obvious
form of indignity.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
_The Saturday Review_ [22 September 1896]

which drew this rejoinder:

The way Bernard Shaw believes in himself is very
refreshing in these atheistic days when so many
people believe in no God at all.
--Israel Zangwill (1864—1926)
Jewish spokesman and writer.


Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
_Back to Methuselah_ [1921]

-

Commonly they whose tongue is their
weapon, use their feet for defense.
--Sir Philip Sidney (1554—1586)
English soldier, poet, and courtier.
Quoted in Tryon Edwards _A Dictionary of Thoughts_, p. 46 [1908 ed.].

You would need three promotions to be an asshole.
--Neil Simon (b. 1927)
American playwright.
_Biloxi Blues_ [1988 movie]; spoken by Sgt. Toomey.

-

Heckler: (from the crowd)
Tell 'em what's on your mind, Al. It won't
take long.

Al Smith: (grinning and pointing at the man)
Stand up, pardner, and I'll tell 'em what's on
both our minds. It won't take any longer.

--Alfred E. Smith (1873—1944)
American politician; four-time Democratic
governor of New York and the first Roman
Catholic to run for President of the U.S..
Quoted in _Time_ (magazine) [8 May 1964], "Lyndon's Fables."

-

My father told me not long before he died [that] the threshold
of insult is in direct relation to intelligence and security. He said
the words 'son of a bitch' are only an insult to a man who isn't
quite sure of his mother.
--John Steinbeck (1902—1968)
American novelist.
_The Winter of Our Discontent_ [1961]

-

Miss Truman is a unique American phenomenon with a pleasant voice
of little size and fair quality ... yet Miss Truman cannot sing very well.
She is flat a good deal of the time ... she communicates almost nothing
of the music she presents ... There are few moments during her recital
when one can relax and feel confident that she will make her goal,
which is the end of the song.
--Paul Hume, music critic of the "Washington Post",
on a 1950 recital by Margaret Truman (daughter of the President).

to which President Truman replied:

I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound
like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man
on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you,
but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps
a supporter below.
--Harry S. Truman (1884—1972)
American Democratic statesman, President of the U.S. [1945—1953].

-

-

You take the lies out of him and he'll shrink
to the size of your hat; you take the malice
out of him and he'll disappear.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_Life on the Mississippi_ [1883]


He is useless on top of the ground; he aught
to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" _Pudd'nhead Wilson_ [1894]


It is discouraging to try and penetrate a mind like yours.
You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take
some of the rigidity out of it.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
Quoted in _Autobiography_ [1924 ed.].


[Of Jane Austen:]
Every time I read 'Pride and Prejudice,' I want to
dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own
shin-bone.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
Letter to Joseph Twichell (13 September 1898].

&

[Of Edgar Allan Poe:]
To me his prose is unreadable — like Jane Austen's.
No, there is a difference. I could read his prose on
salary, but not Jane's.

Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that
they allowed her to die a natural death.

--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
Letter to William Dean Howells [18 January 1909].

-

[Ruby Carter (Mae West) speaking:]
That guy's no good. His mother should have
thrown him away and kept the stork.
--Mae West (1893—1980)
American stage and film actress.
"Belle of the Nineties" [1934 film], screenplay by West.

Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment.
--Edwin Percy Whipple (1819—1886)
American essayist and critic.
"Wit and Humor" Lecture to the Boston Mercantile
Library Association [December 1845].

[Of George Bernard Shaw:]
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by all his friends.
--Oscar Wilde (1854—1900)
Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet.
Quoted by W.B. Yeats in his 1891 review of Wilde's
_Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories_ [1891].

-

[Earl of Sandwich:] "Pon my soul, Wilkes, I don't know
whether you'll die upon the gallows or of the pox."
[Wilkes:] "That depends, my Lord, whether I first embrace
your Lordship's principles, or your Lordship's mistresses."
--John Wilkes (1725—1797)
English journalist and politician.
In Sir Charles Petrie _The Four Georges_ [1935].
Note: Fred R. Shapiro (ed.), in _The Yale Book of Quotations_ [2006], claims
that the participants in this exchange were Sandwich and Samuel Foote.

-

A man may kiss his love goodbye.
The rose may kiss the butterfly.
The wine may kiss the crystal glass.
And you my friend may kiss my ass.
--anon.

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.
--anon., in "The Santa Fe Magazine" [1935]

J. W. Grant (Ralph Bellamy): "You bastard."
Henry "Rico" Fardan (Lee Marvin): "Yes sir.
In my case, an accident of birth. But you, sir,
you're a self-made man."
--"The Professionals" [1966 film]

It's not just the ups and downs that make
life difficult. It's the jerks.
--Alfred E. Neuman [MAD magazine]

Insults are effective only where emotions are present.
--Spock, character in "Star Trek"

They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more
than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as
you will soon discover when I stick this toasting
fork into your head.
--dialogue, "Sense and Senility" Black Adder [Edmund]

-----

effrontery [ih-FRUN-tuh-ree], noun:
Insulting presumptuousness; shameless boldness; insolence.





INSURANCE

.
.

see: "HOME & FAMILY" for related links


The insurance policy was a guarantee that, no matter
how many necessities a man had to forego all through
life, death was something to which he could look
forward.
--Fred Allen [John Florence Sullivan] (1894—1956)
American humorist.
_Much Ado About Me_ [1956]

It seems to me that the only result of compulsory
insurance for motor vehicles would be that nobody
would care and accidents would increase.
--Lord Banbury [fl. 1926]
Quoted in _The Parliamentary Debates: Official Report, vol. 62 [1926].

Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in
which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable
conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the
table.
--Ambrose Bierce (1842—1914)
American newspaperman, wit, and satirist.
_The Cynic's Word Book_ [1906]
(Retitled in 1911 as _The Devil's Dictionary_.)

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue
that I shall some day die, which is not so.
--Stephen Butler Leacock (1869—1944)
Canadian humorist.
_Literary Lapses_ [1910] "How to Live to be 200"

-

In the late 60s, Mad magazine had a quip about life
insurance being a gamble in which you lose if you
win, and win if you lose.

---

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes [c. 1999]. These are from
the collection made by Norwich Union [Automobile insurance company]
for their annual Christmas magazine.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog out and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers
on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."




INTEGRITY

.
.

see: "HONESTY"
see: "CHARACTER" for other related links


Integrity has no need of rules.
--Albert Camus (1913—1960)
French novelist, dramatist, and essayist who won
the 1957 Nobel Prize for Literature.
_The Myth of Sisyphus_ [1942]

No more important duty can be urged upon those who
are entering the great theatre of life than simple loyalty
to their best convictions.
--Edwin Hubbel Chapin (1814—1880)
American clergyman and author.
_Living Words_ [1861]

Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and
duplicity than straigthforward and simple integrity in another.
A knave would rather quarrel with a brother-knave than with
a fool, but he would rather avoid a quarrel with one honest
man, than with both. He can combat a fool by management
and address, and he can conquer a knave by temptations.
But the honest man is neither to be bamboozled, nor bribed.
--C.C. Colton (1780—1832)
English clergyman and writer.
_Lacon: or, Many Things in Few Words_, CXL [1826 ed.]

The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home.
--attributed to Confucius (551—479 B.C.)
K'ung Ch'iu, Chinese philosopher.

One of the most important ways to manifest integrity
is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing
so, we build the trust of those who are present.
--Stephen Covey (b. 1932)
American author.
_The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People_ [1989]

I've never questioned the integrity
of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.
--Leo [Ernest] Durocher (1905—1991)
American professional baseball player and manager
who was elected to the Hall of Fame in 1994.
_Nice Guys Finish Last_, bk. I [1975]

The supreme quality for a leader is unquestionably integrity.
Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it
is a section gang, on a football field, in an army, or in an
office.
--Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890—1969),
American Army General, supreme Allied commander WWII,
NATO commander, American President [1953—1961].
Quoted in Clarence Hamilton Poe _My First 80 Years_ [1963].

Integrity simply means not violating one's own identity.
--attributed to Erich Fromm (1900—1980)
American philosopher and psychologist.

Men of integrity, by their very existence, rekindle the
belief that as a people we can live above the level of
moral squalor. We need that belief, for a cynical
community is a corrupt community.
--John W. Gardner (1912—2002)
American administrator.
"Can We Count on More Dedicated People?"
Article in _Life_ (mag.) [13 June 1960].

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless,
and knowledge without integrity is dangerous
and dreadful.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
_Rasselas_ [1759]

You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank.
--Bobby Jones [Robert Tyre Jones Jr.] (1902—1971)
American golfer, winner of the 1930 "grand slam."
(On being congratulated after he penalized himself one
stroke, the margin of his defeat, in a national championship
golf match after driving his ball into the woods and, unseen,
accidentally nudging it. In Alistair Cooke _America_ [1973].)

You are already of consequence in the world
if you are known as a man of strict integrity.
--Grenville Kleiser (1868—1953)
American writer of humor and inspiration.
_Training for Power and Leadership_ [1923]

Sin is a queer thing. It isn't the breaking of
divine commandments. It is the breaking of
one's own integrity.
--D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence (1885—1930)
English novelist and poet.
_Studies In Classic American Literature_, ch. 8 [1923]

If everyone were clothed with integrity, if every heart
were just, frank, kindly, the other virtues would be
well-nigh useless, since their chief purpose is to
make us bear with patience the injustice of our
fellows.
--Jean Moliθre [Jean Baptiste Poquelin] (1622—1673)
French comic dramatist.
_Le Misanthrope_, V, i [1666]

And what, incidentally, do you think integrity is? The
ability not to pick a watch out of your neighbor's pocket?
No, it's not as easy as that. If that were all, I'd say that
ninety-five percent of humanity were honest, upright
men. Only, as you can see, they aren't. Integrity is the
ability to stand by an idea.
--Ayn Rand (1905—1982)
Russian-born American writer.
_The Fountainhead_ [1943] Part Two, "Ellsworth M. Toohey", Ch. 10

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual
superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do
wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_What is Man_ [1906], sec. 6

Integrity and firmness are all I can promise. These, be the
voyage long or short, shall never forsake me, although I
may be deserted by all men.
--George Washington (1732—1799)
American general and commander-in-chief of the
colonial armies in the American Revolution [1775—1783]
and first president of the United States [1789—1797].
Letter to Henry Knox [1 April 1789] (1 month before assuming the Presidency).

-----

probity [PRO-buh-tee], noun:
Complete and confirmed integrity; uprightness.


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