Return
Home
The
Credits
The
Cast
Act
1
Act
2
Act
3
The
Reviews
     
 
Click picture to ZOOM
HUSBANDS
HUSBANDS & WIVES
HYPNOTISM --- HYPOCRISY

.
.
.

HUSBANDS

see: "BACHELORS"
see: "HOME & FAMILY" for other related links
see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE" for other related links


It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason
that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty
things from time to time.
--Honor้ de Balzac (1799—1850)
French journalist and writer.
_Physiologie du Mariage_ [1829]

[On being married to Max Mallowan:]
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can
have. The older she gets, the more interested he
is in her.
--Agatha Christie (1890—1976)
British crime fiction writer.
Attributed in Bennett Cerf _The Life of the Party_ [1956].
[Probably apocryphal.]

I've never yet met a man who could look after me.
I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
--Joan Collins (b. 1933)
British actress.
In "Sunday Times" [27 December 1987].

I never married, because there is no need of it. I have three
pets at home which together answer the same purpose as a
husband. I have a dog which growls all the morning, a parrot
which swears all the afternoon, and a cat which comes home
late at night.
--Marie Corelli (1855—1924)
British author.
Attributed in "The Rotarian" [February 1940].

Art is a jealous mistress, and, if a man have a genius for painting,
poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband
and an ill provider.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882)
American philosopher and poet.
"Wealth " in _The Conduct of Life_ [1860].

-

Husbands are like fires. They
go out when unattended.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sแri Gแbor] (b. 1919)
Hungarian-born film actress.
In "Newsweek" [28 March 1960].


[When asked how many husbands she had had:]
You mean apart from my own?
--Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sแri Gแbor] (b. 1919)
Hungarian-born film actress.
Quoted in Kenneth Edwards _I Wish I'd Said That!_ [1976].

-

[Edmund Nagle attempting to inform George IV that Napoleon is dead:]
'Sir, your bitterest enemy is dead.'
'Is she, by God!' said the tender husband.
--King George IV (1762—1830)
King of the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland [1820—1830].
In the _Journal of Hon. Henry Edward Fox_ (entry for 25 August 1821).

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands
are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.
--Elinor Glyn [Elinor Sutherland] (1864—1943)
British novelist and scriptwriter.
Attributed in Evan Esar _20,000 Quips & Quotes_, p. 402 [1995].

Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.
--Erica Jong (b. 1942)
American novelist.
_Fear of Flying_, epigraph [1973], quoting an anonymous source.

Perfection is what American women expect to find
in their husbands ... but English women only hope
to find in their butlers.
--W. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965)
English novelist, playwright, and short-story writer.
Attributed in Nancy Butler _The Quotable Lover_, p. 104 [2004].

-

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
--Helen Rowland (1875—1950)
American writer.
_The Rubaiyat of a Bachelor_ [1915]


A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
--Helen Rowland (1875—1950)
American writer.
_A Guide to Men_, prelude [1922]

-

The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands
and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose
of it and get a new one without shocking the entire
community.
--Ann Strong,
"Minneapolis Tribune" [1895]

Chumps always make the best husbands. When you
marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his forehead first,
and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy
marriages come from the husbands having brains.
--P.G. [Pelham Grenville] Wodehouse (1881—1975)
English humorist; American citizen from 1955.
_The Adventures of Sally_, ch. 10 [1920]




HUSBANDS AND WIVES

.
.

see: "MARRIAGE"
see: "HOME & FAMILY" for other related links


Every man who is high up loves to think that he
has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and
lets it go at that.
--Sir James Matthew Barrie (1860—1937)
Scottish writer and dramatist.
_What Every Woman Knows_, Act IV_ [1908]

Every husband may beat his wife when
she disobeys his commands, or when
she curses him, or contradicts him —
provided he do it moderately, and not
the extent of causing her death.
--Philippe de Beaumanoir (c.1250—1296)
French jurist.
_Customs of the People of Beauvais_ [c 1285]

The husband was prohibited to use any
violence to his wife, aliter quam ad virum,
ex causa regiminis et castigationis uxoris
suae, licited et rationabiliter pertinet [other
than what is reasonably necessary to the
discipline and correction of the wife]. The
civil law gave the husband the same, or a
larger, authority over his wife; allowing him,
for some misdemeanors, flagellis et fustibus
acriter verbare uxorem [to wound his wife
severely with whips and fists]; for others,
only modicam castigationem adhibere [to
apply modest corrective punishment.
--William Blackstone (1723—1780)
English jurist.
_Commentaries on the Laws of England_ [1765]

-

"So We'll Go No More a Roving"
by Lord Byron [George Gordon Byron] (1788—1824)
English Romantic poet and satirist.

So, we'll go no more a roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart be still as loving,
And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul wears out the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we'll go no more a roving
By the light of the moon.

-

Football official Jack Daly overheard a married couple
he knows discussing what would happen if she died
first.
Wife: "I suppose you already have your eye on some
pretty young thing to succeed me."
Husband: "Maybe."
Wife: "And I suppose you would have her share our
bedroom."
Husband: "Maybe."
Wife: "And I suppose you would let her use my golf
clubs."
Husband: "Nope, she's left-handed."
--In Dick Crouser _Golf's Funniest Anecdotes_ [2001]

-

[Advice to parents to give their daughters on marriage:]

Be respectful and obedient to your parents-in-law.

A woman has no [feudal] lord. She should reverence
and obey her husband instead.

Be always circumspect in your behaviour. Get up
early. Go to bed at midnight. Do not indulge in a
siesta. Attend diligently to the work of the house.

--Kaibara Ekken (1630—1714)
Japanese philosopher, travel writer, and botanist.
_Dojikun_ (Instructions for Children)

-

Don't you know, that all wives are in the right?
It may be you don't, for you are yet a young
husband.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.
Letter to James Read [17 August 1745].

^

Zsa Zsa Gabor (b. 1919)
Hungarian-born US film and television actress.

Asked how many husbands she had had,
Miss Gabor looked puzzled. "You mean
apart from my own?" she inquired.

--_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_
edited by Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard [2000 ed.]

^

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the
only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.
--John Gay (1685—1732)
English poet and dramatist.
_The Beggar's Opera _, I, x [1728]

I chose my wife, as she did her wedding
gown, for qualities that would wear well.
--Oliver Goldsmith (1728—1774)
Anglo-Irish writer, poet, and dramatist.
Attributed in J.E. Rankin _Gems for the Bridal Ring:
A Gift for the Plighted and the Wedded_ [1867].

Many a housewife staring at the back of her
husband's newspapers, or listening to his
breathing in bed is lonelier than any spinster
in a rented room.
--Germaine Greer (b. 1939)
Australian feminist.
_The Female Eunuch_ [1970]

-

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day, 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

^

Heinrich Heine (1797—1856)
German poet.

In 1841 Heine married Eug้nie Mirat, a
saleswoman in a Parisian boot shop. She
was uneducated, foolish, and vain. Heine's
affection for her did not preclude an awareness
of her shortcomings. At his death he left her
his whole estate on condition that she marry
again, ' because then there will be at least
one man who will regret my death.''

--Clifton Fadiman and Andr้ Bernard (eds.)
_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ [rev. ed. 2000]

^

Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even
more important than it is between strangers.
--Robert Heinlein (1907—1988)
American science-fiction writer.
_Time Enough for Love_ [1973]

^

Lillian Hellman was with Dorothy Parker when her husband Alan's body
was being taken from the house where he died —

Among the friends who stood with Dottie on those California steps was Mrs
Jones, a woman who had liked Alan, pretended to like Dottie, and who had
always loved all forms of meddling in other people's troubles. Mrs. Jones
said, 'Dottie, tell me, dear, what I can do for you.'

Dottie said, 'Get me a new husband.'

There was a silence, but before those who would have laughed could laugh,
Mrs. Jones said, 'I think that is the most callous and disgusting remark I ever
heard in my life.'

Dottie turned to look at her, sighed, and said gently, 'So sorry. Then run down
to the corner and get me a ham and cheese on rye — and tell them to hold the
mayo.'

_The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_
Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Death"

^

[Helmer:] First and foremost, you are a wife and mother.
[Nora:] That I don't believe any more. I believe that first
and foremost I am an individual.
--Henrik Ibsen (1828—1906)
Norwegian playwright.
_A Doll's House_, act 3 [1879]

A man is in general better pleased when he has
a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife
talks Greek.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
Quoted in Sir John Hawkins _Life of Samuel Johnson_ [1787].

A man's foremost interest should be his work. But for
a woman—man *is* her work and her business. Yes,
I know it sounds like a convenient philosophy of the
selfish male when I say that. But marriage means a
home. And home is like a nest—not enough rooms for
both birds at once. One sits inside, the other perches
on the edge and looks about and attends to all outside
business.
--Carl Gustav Jung (1875—1961)
Swiss psychologist.
"Men, Women, and God" [25-29 April 1955] _C.G. Jung Speaking: Interviews
and Encounters_ ed. William McGuire and R.F.C. Hull [1977]

I never mind my wife having the last word.
In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
--Walter Matthau (1920—2000)
American actor.
Attributed in Geoff Tibballs _The Mammoth Book
of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners_ [2004].

A successful marriage requires falling in love
many times, always with the same person.
--Mignon McLaughlin (1913—1983)
American journalist and author.
Numerous sources indicate this was found in "Atlantic" [July 1965].

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always
pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes
she were not.
--H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880—1956)
American journalist and literary critic.
_A Mencken Chrestomathy_ [1949]

Best image of myself and dearer half.
--John Milton (1608—1674)
English poet.
_Paradise Lost_, bk. 5, l. 95 [1667]

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time;
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
--William Cosmo Monkhouse (1840—1901)
English poet and critic.
"There Once Was an Old Man of Lyme"

-

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
--Ogden Nash (1902—1971)
American writer of humorous poetry.
"I Do, I Will, I Have" l. 12 [1949]


To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Ogden Nash (1902—1971)
American writer of humorous poetry.
"A Word to Husbands" in _Marriage Lines_ [1964].

-

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night
thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go
to sleep before you finish saying it.
--Helen Rowland (1875—1950)
American writer.
_A Guide to Men_ [1922] "First Interlude"

All young women begin by believing they can
change the men they marry. They can't.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist
propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize
for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
_On the Rocks_ [1933]

My dear, my better half.
--Sir Philip Sidney (1554—1586)
English soldier, poet, and courtier.
_Defence of Poesy_ bk. iii

-

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was, she told me, 'In the lake.'
--Red [Richard Bernard] Skelton (1913—1997)
American comedian.
"Red Skelton's Tips For a Happy Marriage"


She has an electric blender, electric toaster and
electric bread maker. Then she said 'There are
too many gadgets and no place to sit down!'
So I bought her an electric chair.
--Red [Richard Bernard] Skelton (1913—1997)
American comedian.
"Red Skelton's Tips For a Happy Marriage"

-

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.
--Billy Sunday [William Ashley Sunday] (1862—1935)
American evangelist.
Quoted in "The Independent" [28 April 1917].

When your little girl make you mad
And you get an attitude and pack your bags
Five little children that you're leaving behind
Son, you're gonna pay some alimony or do some time
That's why it's cheaper to keep her.
--Johnnie Taylor (1938—2000)
American singer.
_Cheaper to Keep Her_ [1973 song]

-

Rule Five: When a husband is reading aloud, a wife should
sit quietly in her chair, relaxed but attentive. If he
has decided to read the Republican platform, an article
on elm blight, or a blow-by-blow account of a prize fight,
it is not going to be easy, but she should at least pretend
to be interested. She should not keep swinging one foot,
start to wind her wrist watch, file her fingernails, or
clap her hands in an effort to catch a mosquito. The good
wife allows the mosquito to bite her when her husband is
reading aloud.

... She might even compliment him on his diction and his grasp
of politics, elm blight or boxing. If he should ask some shrewd
questions to test her attention, she can cry, "Good heavens!",
leap up, and rush out to the kitchen on some urgent fictious
errand.

--James Thurber (1894—1961)
American humorist and cartoonist.
"My Own Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage" [1953]

-

In Detroit, Mrs. Dorothy Van Dorn, suing for
divorce, complained that her husband 1) put
all their food in a freezer; 2) kept the freezer
locked; 3) made her pay for any food she ate,
and, 4) charged her the 3% Michigan sales tax.
--"Time" (mag.) [10 December 1951]

If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten
out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when
the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way
they wish them much oftener than they usually do. Arguments are
unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not
examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment
that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see
if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_Hellfire Hotchkiss_ [1897]

Electric typewriters are intelligent, warm, sexy
and they hum soothingly - unlike wives.
--Charles Woods,
The Unkindest Cut, in the Anti-Book List [1981]

He first deceased; she for a little tried
To live without him: liked it not, and died.
--Henry Wotton (1568—1639)
English poet and diplomat.
"Upon the Death of Sir Albertus Moreton's Wife" [1651]

-

The plural of spouse is spice.
--anon.
Credited to a "youthful exponent of English" in
_The Weekly Underwriter_ [22 April 1911]

-

A story from George Burns:

I was coming out of the Palace Theater Building and I ran into this
actor I knew. He said, "George, I've got a big problem. My wife
passed away, and there's this gorgeous tomato who wants to have
an affair with me."

I said, "When did your wife die, Jim?" and he said, "Yesterday."

I couldn't believe my ears. I said, "How could you think of having
an affair if your wife passed away yesterday?" and he said, "That's
the problem, I'd have to miss the funeral."

--George Burns [Nathan Birnbaum] (1896—1996)
American comedian.
_Dear George_ [1985]

-

Dear United States Army:

My husband asked me to write a recommend that he supports his
family. He cannot read, so don't tell him. Just take him. He ain't
no good to me. He ain't done nothing but raise hell and drink lemon
essence since I married him eight years ago, and I got to feed seven
kids of his. Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. He's good on
squirrels and eating. Take him and welcome. I need his grub and
the bed for the kids. Don't tell him this, but just take him.
--Anonymous hand-delievered in 1943 by an Arkansas man to
his draft board. In _A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love_ [1989],
compiled and edited by Jon Winokur.

-

After my husband died I would go into his closet and hug
his suits, because they smelled of his own body odor, slight
cigarette smell, and aftershave. I'd stand there, hugging his
clothes, making believe, close my eyes, and cry.
--anon. in Avery N. Gilbert & Charles J. Wysocki
"The Smell Results" _National Geographic_ [October 1987].

-

There was an old widower, Doyle,
Who wrapped up his wife in tinfoil.
He thought it would please her,
To stay in the freezer,
And anyway, outside she'd spoil.
--anon.

-

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Daniel Webster
would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as
he would start to say something, his wife said, "And what's
that supposed to mean?" Thus Webster's Dictionary was
born.

---

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick
on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that
there is a very good reason for you to come
waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

---

A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she comes
upon a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been
long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs
in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously
at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you’re wondering
what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it
for my husband.”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and
says, “Good trade!”

---

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or
an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all
in one.'

---

Two old guys are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy
says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I
can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help
you find her. What does she look like?" The
second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing
short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
let's look for yours."

---

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead,
I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

---

A man and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip
the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about
how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity,
to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization,
what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

---

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he
gets better with age. The next day she locked me in
the cellar.

---

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on
the phone."

---

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up
a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face
cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

---

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine.'

---

A couple in their sixties had somehow managed to survive
forty-five years of married life filled with as much fighting
as love. When hubby came home from his office on his sixty-
fifth birthday, his wife lovingly presented him with two
beautiful ties. He was so touched that he would not let
her cook dinner. He would take her out as soon as he had
time to clean up and change his shirt. It was a rare moment
of tenderness. A few minutes later hubby came downstairs
dressed for an evening on the town and wearing one of his
gift ties. His wife stared at him for a moment before the
force of argumentative habit took command.

"What is the matter" she snarled, "the other one is no
good?

---

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the
next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took
meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening,
checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container,
put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee
pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load
of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose
button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor,
picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the
telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the
plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel
to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the
bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to
the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and
pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She
signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped
the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face,
put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and
trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed,"
"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat
outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked
in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung
up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a
brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing
for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added
three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced
to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.

---

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow
older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When
you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary
for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits that we
needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about
the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just
wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have
lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding
her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate
her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example
she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for
better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making
one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

-----

polygyny (noun) [p๊-'li-j๊-ni]
Having several wives at one time.

uxorious [uk-SOR-ee-us; ug-ZOR-], adjective:
Excessively fond of or submissive to a wife.



Click picture to ZOOM
HYPNOTISM

.
.

see: "THE MIND" for related links


I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist
tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't.
And I tell him that each time I go over to wash
his car, which is every Wednesday.
--Jack Handey (b. 1949)
American comedian and comedy writer.
_Fuzzy Memories_ [1996]

-----

mesmerize [MEZ-muh-rahyz], verb:
1. To spellbind; fascinate.
2. To hypnotize.
3. To compel by fascination.



HYPOCRISY

.
.

see: "APPEARANCE"
see: "GLASS HOUSES"
see: "LIES/LIARS/LYING"
see: "PHONIES"
see: "SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS"
see: "DECEPTION" for other related links


The hypocrite's crime is that he bears
false witness against himself.
--Hannah Arendt (1906—1975)
German-born American political scientist and philosopher.
_On Revolution_ [1963], Chapter 2, Section 5

-

He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that
gives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he
that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with
one hand and pulls down with the other.
--Francis Bacon (1561—1626)
English philosopher and essayist.
Attributed in _The Millennial Harbinger_ [August 1860, no. VIII].


A bad man is worse when he pretends to be a saint.
--Francis Bacon (1561—1626)
English philosopher and essayist.
_Moral and Historical Works_ "Ornamenta Rationalia" (Elegant Sentences)

-

He who would do good to another must do it in minute
particulars. General good is the plea of the scoundrel,
hypocrite, and flatterer.
--William Blake (1757—1827)
English poet.
_Jerusalem_ [1815]

It is a general popular error to imagine the loudest
complainers for the public to be the most anxious
for its welfare.
--Edmund Burke (1729—1797)
Irish-born Whig politician and man of letters.
"Observation on a Publication Entitled, 'The Present State of the Nation' "
in _The Works of the Right Honourable Edmund Burke_ [vol 1 of 3; 1792].

As I grow older, I pay less attention to
what men say. I just watch what they do.
--attributed to Andrew Carnegie (1835—1919)
American businessman and philanthropist of Scottish birth.

I have no respect for that self-boasting charity which neglects all
objects of commiseration near and around it, but goes to the end
of the earth in search of misery, for the purpose of talking about it.
--Lewis Cass (1782—1866)
American military officer and politician.
Speech in U.S. Senate [23 December 1852].

The pot calls the kettle black.
--Miguel de Cervantes (1547—1616)
Spanish novelist.
"Don Quixote de la Mancha", pt. II, bk. IV, ch. 38 [1615]

We ought to see far enough into a
hypocrite to see even his sincerity.
--G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton (1874—1936)
English essayist, novelist, and poet.
_Heretics_ [1905]

His deeds do not agree with his words.
--Marcus Tullius Cicero (106—43 BC)
Roman orator and statesman.
Quoted in Craufurd Tait Ramage _Great Thoughts
from Latin Authors_, p. 107 [3rd ed. 1884].

Behavior which appears superficially correct,
but is intrinsically corrupt, always irritates
those who see below the surface.
--James Bryant Conant (1893—1978)
American chemist, educational administrator, and professor.
Baccalaureate Address, Harvard College [1934].

I own I am shock'd at the purchase of slaves,
And fear those who buy them and sell them are knaves;
What I hear of their hardships, their tortures, and groans,
Is almost enough to draw pity from stones.
I pity them greatly, but I must be mum,
For how could we do without sugar and rum?
Expecially sugar, so needful we see?
What? give up our desserts, our coffee, and tea?
--William Cowper (1731—1800)
English poet and hymnodist.
"Pity for Poor Africans" [1800]

The hater of property and of government takes
care to have his warranty deed recorded, and
the book written against Fame and learning
has the author's name on the title page.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882)
American philosopher and poet.
_Journal_ [1857]

Affectation proceeds from one of these two causes,— vanity or
hypocrisy; for as vanity puts us on affecting false characters, in
order to purchase applause; so hypocrisy sets us on an endeavor
to avoid censure, by concealing our vices under an appearance
of their opposite virtues.
--Henry Fielding (1707—1754)
English novelist and dramatist.
_The Adventures of Joseph Andrews_ [1742] "Author's Preface"

It is easier to declaim like an orator against a thousand sins in others than
to mortify one sin in ourselves; to be more industrious in our pulpits than
in our closets; to preach twenty sermons to our people than one to our
own hearts.
--John Flavel (1627—1691)
English Presbyterian clergyman.
Attributed in _Hogg's Weekly Instructor_ [7 November 1846].

-

Clean your finger before you point at my spots.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.
_Poor Richard's Almanack_ [1750]


Mankind are very odd Creatures. One Half
censure what they practice, the other half
practice what they censure; the rest always
say and do as they ought.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.
_Poor Richard's Almanack_ [June 1752]

-

What hypocrites we seem to be whenever we talk
of ourselves! Our words sound so humble, while
our hearts are so proud.
--Augustus William Hare (1792—1834)
British essayist.
_Guesses at Truth_ [1827] (Co-written with brother Julius)

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face
to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally
getting bewildered as to which may be the true.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804—1864)
American novelist and short-story writer.
_The Scarlet Letter_ [1850]

-

We all wear some disguise, make some professions,
use some artifice, to set ourselves off as being better
than we are; and yet it is not denied that we have
some good intentions and praiseworthy qualities at
bottom.
--William Hazlitt (1778—1830)
English essayist.
"On Cant and Hypocrisy" [written 1829] in _Sketches and Essays_ [1839].


Cant is the voluntary overcharging or prolongation of a real
sentiment; hypocrisy is the setting up a pretension to a feeling
you never had and have no wish for.
--William Hazlitt (1778—1830)
English essayist.
"On Cant and Hypocrisy" [written 1829] in _Sketches and Essays_ [1839].


He is a hypocrite who professes what he does not believe;
not he who does not practice all he wishes or approves.
--William Hazlitt (1778—1830)
English essayist.
"On Cant and Hypocrisy" [written 1829] in _Sketches and Essays_ [1839].

-

Hateful to me as the gates of Hades
is that man who hides one thing in
his heart and speaks another.
--Homer (c. 850? BC)
Greek epic poet.
__The Iliad_ [c. 800 B.C.]

Do not let your deeds belie your words; lest when
you speak in church someone may mentally reply,
'Why do you not practice what you profess?'
--Saint Jerome (c. 340—c. 420)
Translator of the Bible from Greek and Hebrew into Latin.
Letter LII to Nepotian [394], as quoted in Philip Schaff &
Henry Wace (eds.) _A Select Library of Nicene and Post-
Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church_, vol. VI [1893].

-

Affectation is to be always distinguished from hypocrisy as
being the art of counterfeiting those qualities, which we might
with innocence and safety, be known to want. ... Hypocrisy
is the necessary burden of villainy; affectation part of the
chosen trappings of folly.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
_The Rambler_, # 20 [26 May 1750]


Be not too hasty to trust or to admire the teachers
of morality: they discourse like angels, but they
live like men.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
_Rasselas_ [1759]

-

Every nation, like every individual, walks in a vain show – else
it could not live with itself – but I never got over the wonder
of a people who, having extirpated the aboriginals of their
continent more completely than any modern race had ever
done, honestly believed that they were a godly little New
England community, setting examples to brutal mankind.
--Rudyard Kipling (1865—1936)
English writer and poet.
_Something of Myself_ [1937]

-

The refusal of praise is a desire to be praised twice.
--Fran็ois de La Rochefoucauld (1613—1680)
French classical author.
_Maxims_ [1665], maxim 149


Plenty of people despise money, but few know how to give it away.
--Fran็ois de La Rochefoucauld (1613—1680)
French classical author.
_Maxims_, # 301 [1665], tr. Leonard Tancock [1959]


Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue.
--Fran็ois de La Rochefoucauld (1613—1680)
French classical author.
_Maxims_ [1678], maxim 218

-

Lies, injustice, and hypocrisy are a part of every
ordinary community. Most people achieve a sort
of protective immunity, a kind of callousness,
toward them. If they didn't, they couldn't endure.
--Nella Larsen (1893—1964)
American novelist.
_Quicksand_ [1928]

Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid.
As a nation, we began by declaring that 'all men are created
equal.' We now practically read it 'all men are created equal,
except negroes.' When the Know-Nothings get control, it will
read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners,
and Catholics.' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating
to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty
— to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure,
and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.
--Abraham Lincoln (1809—1865)
American Republican statesman, President [1861—1865].
Letter to Joshua F. Speed [24 August 1855].

It is a blind goose that cometh to the fox's sermon.
--John Lyly (1554?—1606)
English prose stylist and playwright.
Quoted in Sir Walter Alexander Raleigh _The English Novel_ [1894].

Hypocrisy is the most difficult and nerve-racking
vice that any man can pursue; it needs an unceasing
vigilance and a rare detachment of spirit. It cannot,
like adultery or gluttony, be practiced at spare
moments; it is a whole-time job.
--W. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965)
English novelist, playwright, and short-story writer.
_Cakes and Ale_ [1930]

We protest against unjust criticism,
but we accept unearned applause.
--Jos้ Narosky (b. 1930)
Argentine writer.
Quoted in Anthony St Pete
_The Greatest Quotations of All-Time_ [2010].

The hypocrite who always plays one and the
same part, finally ceases to be a hypocrite.
--Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844—1900)
German classical scholar, philosopher, and critic of culture.
_Human, All Too Human_ [1878], tr. Alexander Harvey [1915]

All left-wing parties in the highly industrialized countries are at bottom
a sham, because they make it their business to fight against something
which they do not really wish to destroy.
--George Orwell [Eric Blair] (1903—1950)
English novelist.
"Rudyard Kipling" [February 1942], in _The Collected Essays, Journalism and
Letters of George Orwell_ vol. 2, ed. Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus [1968].

None despise fame more heartily than
those who have no possible claim to it.
--Jean-Antoine Petit-Senn (1792—1870)
French-Swiss lyric poet.
In Louis Klopsch
_Many Thoughts of Many Minds_ p. 89 [1896].

The church is near but the road is icy; the tavern
is far away but I will walk carefully.
--Russian proverb

-

In this modern "nonjudgmental" era, the accusation of hypocrisy is about
the only acceptable judgment call. Today, hypocrisy appears to be the only
universally recognized sin and evil — not even infidelity, lying and cheating,
out-of-wedlock births or addictions are considered as reprehensible.

The fact is that we as a society have caved in, dumbed down our expectations
and morality, and called it tolerance and freedom. Anyone who dares defend
standards risks relentless attacks in order to find some flaw or inconsistency
that can be used against him to nullify the message. The epithet of "hypocrite"
is hurled at people who are unafraid to make judgments based on a set of
standards by people who have no standards at all.

--Dr. Laura Schlessinger (b. 1947)
American radio host.
"There's A Difference Between Change And Hypocrisy"
in "Chicago Tribune" [15 November 1998].

-

With people of only moderate ability, modesty is mere
honesty; but with those who possess great talent, it
is hypocrisy.
--Arthur Schopenhauer (1788—1860)
German philosopher.
"Studies in Pessimism Further Psychological Observations"
_Essays of Arthur Schopenhauer_, tr. T. Bailey Saunders [1851]

I want that glib and oily art
To speak and purpose not.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_King Lear_, I, i [1605—1606]

The man of business ... goes on Sunday to the church
with the regularity of the village blacksmith, there to
renounce and abjure before his God the line of conduct
which he intends to pursue with all his might during the
following week.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950)
Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist propagandist, and winner
of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.]
_Fabian Essays in Socialism_, pt. I "Economic" [1889]

All Reformers, however strict their social
conscience, live in houses just as big as
they can pay for.
--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865—1946)
American-born man of letters.
_Afterthoughts_ [1931] "Other People"

Prohibit not something to others
which you permit to yourself.
--Talmud (A.D. 1st—6th cent.)
Rabbinical writings.

I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me,
and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for
him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means — except
by getting off his back.
--Leo Tolstoy (1828—1910)
Russian novelist.
_What Then Must We Do?_ [1886]

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_Pudd'nhead Wilson_ [1894], ch. 15 epigraph: "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

I hope you have not been leading a double life,
pretending to be wicked and being really good
all the time. That would be hypocrisy.
--Oscar Wilde (1854—1900)
Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet.
_The Importance of Being Earnest_ [1895]

Better a false 'Good morning' than a sincere 'Go to Hell.'
--Yiddish proverb

-

In my state [Texas] they really raise hell about the new
[more open sexual] morality. This one old geezer said he
was against it for three reasons. 'First, it's against the
law of nature. Second, it's destructive of family living.
And third, I ain't getting none of it.'
--anon., in James Michener
"The Revolution in Middle-Class Values" in
_New York Times Magazine_ [18 August 1968].

-


end page



| HABIT - HANGOVER | HAPPINESS | HAPPY BIRTHDAY - HATE | HATS - HEAT | HEALTH | HEAVEN - HELPING | HEROES - HIROSHIMA | HISTORIANS & HISTORY | HITCHCOCK - HOLLYWOOD | HOLOCAUST - HOMOSEXUALS | HOME - HOME & FAMILY | HONESTY & HONOR | HOOVER - HOTELS | HOUSE - HUMAN NATURE | HUMAN RACE - HUMANITY | HUMILIATION - HURT | HUMOR | HURTING (SOMEONE) | HUSBANDS - HYPOCRISY |
| H | I - J | K - L | M | N - O | P - Q |
| Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The Reviews |
 
     



Copyright ฉ 2012, someworthwhilequotes.com. All rights reserved.