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 . . . HUSBANDS see "HOME & FAMILY" for related links It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. --Honoré de Balzac (1799—1850) French journalist and writer. _Physiologie du Mariage_ [1829] An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie (1890—1976) British crime fiction writer. (apoc.) I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife. --Joan Collins (1933—) British actress. In "Sunday Times" [27 December 1987]. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. --attributed to Marie Corelli (1855—1924) British author. Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended. --Zsa Zsa Gabor [Sari Gabor] (1919— ) Hungarian-born film actress. In "Newsweek" [28 March 1960]. A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. --Helen Rowland (1875—1950) American writer. _The Rubaiyat of a Bachelor_ [1915] The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community. --Ann Strong, "Minneapolis Tribune" [1895] Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his forehead first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains. --P.G. [Pelham Grenville] Wodehouse (1881—1975) English humorist; American citizen from 1955. _The Adventures of Sally_, [1920] ch. 10   HUSBANDS AND WIVES . . see: "MARRIAGE"see "HOME & FAMILY" for other related links Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that. --Sir James Matthew Barrie (1860—1937) Scottish writer and dramatist. _What Every Woman Knows_, Act IV - "So We'll Go No More a Roving" by Lord Byron [George Gordon Byron] (1788—1824) English Romantic poet and satirist. So, we'll go no more a roving So late into the night, Though the heart be still as loving, And the moon be still as bright. For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul wears out the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have rest. Though the night was made for loving, And the day returns too soon, Yet we'll go no more a roving By the light of the moon. - - She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down" so I bought her an electric chair. --Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen] (1921—2004) American comedian. She told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was and she told me, "In the swimming pool." --Rodney Dangerfield [Jacob Cohen] (1921—2004) American comedian. - When the news of Napoleon's death came, before the King [George IV] had been informed of it by his Ministers, Sir E. Nagle, anxious to communicate the welcome tidings, said to him, 'Sir, your bitterest enemy is dead.' 'Is she, by God!' said the tender husband. --Henry Richard Fox [Baron Holland of Foxley and of Holland] (1773—1840) British Whig politician. _Diary_ [25 August 1821] ^ Zsa Zsa Gabor (1919- ), Hungarian-born US film and television actress. Asked how many husbands she had had, Miss Gabor looked puzzled. "You mean apart from my own?" she inquired. --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well. --Oliver Goldsmith (1728—1774) Anglo-Irish writer, poet, and dramatist. A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ^ Heinrich Heine (1797—1856), German poet. In 1841 Heine married Eugénie Mirat, a saleswoman in a Parisian boot shop. She was uneducated, foolish, and vain. Heine's affection for her did not preclude an awareness of her shortcomings. At his death he left her his whole estate on condition that she marry again,'' because then there will be at least one man who will regret my death.'' ^ A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table than when his wife talks Greek. --Samuel Johnson (1709—1784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. A man's foremost interest should be his work. But for a woman—man *is* her work and her business. Yes, I know it sounds like a convenient philosophy of the selfish male when I say that. But marriage means a home. And home is like a nest—not enough rooms for both birds at once. One sits inside, the other perches on the edge and looks about and attends to all outside business. --Carl Gustav Jung (1875—1961) Swiss psychologist. "Men, Women, and God" [25-29 April 1955] _C.G. Jung Speaking: Interviews and Encounters_ ed. William McGuire and R.F.C. Hull [1977] - Be respectful and obedient to your parents-in-law. A woman has no [feudal] lord. She should reverence and obey her husband instead. Be always circumspect in your behaviour. Get up early. Go to bed at midnight. Do not indulge in a siesta. Attend diligently to the work of the house. --Kaibara Ekken (1630—1714) Japanese philosopher, travel writer, and botanist. _Dojikun_ (Instructions for Children) {advice to parents to give their daughters on marriage} - {on the French salon:} Salon culture, it needs to be stressed, was a meritocracy. Madame Geoffrin, a great salonnière, would not let her husband participate in her salon because she thought that he was not up to the mark. Monsieur Geoffrin, it was said by one salon-goer, "was permitted to sit down to dinner, at the end of the table, upon condition that he never attempted to join in the conversation." --Stephen Miller in the WSJ [13 May 2005] reviewing Benedetta Craveri's _The Age of Conversation_ ^ Lillian Hellman was with Dorothy Parker when her husband Alan's body was being taken from the house where he died — Among the friends who stood with Dottie on those California steps was Mrs Jones, a woman who had liked Alan, pretended to like Dottie, and who had always loved all forms of meddling in other people's troubles. Mrs. Jones said, 'Dottie, tell me, dear, what I can do for you.' Dottie said, 'Get me a new husband.' There was a silence, but before those who would have laughed could laugh, Mrs. Jones said, 'I think that is the most callous and disgusting remark I ever heard in my life.' Dottie turned to look at her, sighed, and said gently, 'So sorry. Then run down to the corner and get me a ham and cheese on rye — and tell them to hold the mayo.' _The Folio Book of Humorous Anecdotes_ Introduced by Edward Leeson [2005], "Death" ^ All young women begin by believing they can change the men they marry. They can't. --George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950) Irish comic dramatist, literary critic, Socialist propagandist, and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1925 [he didn't accept it.] _On the Rocks_ [1933] My dear, my better half. --Sir Philip Sidney (1554—1586) English soldier, poet, and courtier. _Defence of Poesy_ bk. iii When your little girl make you mad And you get an attitude and pack your bags Five little children that you're leaving behind Son, you're gonna pay some alimony or do some time That's why it's cheaper to keep her. --Johnnie Taylor (1938—2000) American singer. _Cheaper to Keep Her_ [1973 song] - Rule Five: When a husband is reading aloud, a wife should sit quietly in her chair, relaxed but attentive. If he has decided to read the Republican platform, an article on elm blight, or a blow-by-blow account of a prize fight, it is not going to be easy, but she should at least pretend to be interested. She should not keep swinging one foot, start to wind her wrist watch, file her fingernails, or clap her hands in an effort to catch a mosquito. The good wife allows the mosquito to bite her when her husband is reading aloud. ...She might even compliment him on his diction and his grasp of politics, elm blight or boxing. If he should ask some shrewd questions to test her attention, she can cry, "Good heavens!", leap up, and rush out to the kitchen on some urgent fictious errand. --James Thurber (1894—1961) American humorist and cartoonist. "My Own Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage" [1953] - Electric typewriters are intelligent, warm, sexy and they hum soothingly - unlike wives. --Charles Woods, The Unkindest Cut, in the Anti-Book List [1981] He first deceased; she for a little tried To live without him, liked it not, and died. --Henry Wotton (1568—1639) English poet and diplomat. _Upon the Death of Sir Albert Morton's Wife_ - A story from George Burns: I was coming out of the Palace Theater Building and I ran into this actor I knew. He said, "George, I've got a big problem. My wife passed away, and there's this gorgeous tomato who wants to have an affair with me." I said, "When did your wife die, Jim?" and he said, "Yesterday." I couldn't believe my ears. I said, "How could you think of having an affair if your wife passed away yesterday?" and he said, "That's the problem, I'd have to miss the funeral." --George Burns [Nathan Birnbaum] (1896—1996) American comedian. _Dear George_ - Dear United States Army: My husband asked me to write a recommend that he supports his family. He cannot read, so don't tell him. Just take him. He ain't no good to me. He ain't done nothing but raise hell and drink lemon essence since I married him eight years ago, and I got to feed seven kids of his. Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. He's good on squirrels and eating. Take him and welcome. I need his grub and the bed for the kids. Don't tell him this, but just take him. --Anonymous hand-delievered in 1943 by an Arkansas man to his draft board. In _A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love_, compiled and edited by Jon Winokur - There was an old widower, Doyle, Who wrapped up his wife in tinfoil. He thought it would please her, To stay in the freezer, And anyway, outside she'd spoil. --anon. - Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Daniel Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus Webster's Dictionary was born. --- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast." --- A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she comes upon a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade!” --- --- Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours." --- A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." --- I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. --- A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." --- Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed," "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did. --- It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Sincerely, Jeff --- ----- polygyny (noun) [pê-'li-jê-ni] Having several wives at one time. uxorious [uk-SOR-ee-us; ug-ZOR-], adjective: Excessively fond of or submissive to a wife. . . see: "IRAQ" see "EVIL" for other related links see "PEOPLE" for other related links As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational art, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man. I want you to know that. --H. Norman Schwarzkopf, III (1934— ) American general who commanded the U.S. forces in the Gulf War of 1991. (At a news conference in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia on February 27, 1991 while commander of allied forces in the Gulf War.)  HYPNOTISM . . SEND . ME . MONEY see "THE MIND" for related links SEND ME I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday. --Jack Handey (1949— ) American comedian and comedy writer. _Fuzzy Memories_ [1996] MONEY ;void(0)) HYPOCHONDRIA . . see "THE MIND" for related links In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life. --John Diamond . . see: "SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS" see "DECEPTION" for other related links The hypocrite's crime is that he bears false witness against himself. --Hannah Arendt (1906—1975) German-born American political scientist and philosopher. _On Revolution_ [1963], Chapter 2, Section 5 He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example, builds with both; he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other. --Francis Bacon (1561—1626) English philosopher and essayist. He who would do good to another must do it in minute particulars. General good is the plea of the scoundrel, hypocrite, and flatterer. --William Blake (1757—1827) English poet. _Jerusalem_ The pot calls the kettle black. --Miguel de Cervantes (1547—1616) Spanish novelist. _Don Quixote de la Mancha_ [1605—1615] Pt. 2 [1615], bk. 3, ch. 38. We ought to see far enough into a hypocrite to see even his sincerity. --G.K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton (1874—1936) English essayist, novelist, and poet. His deeds do not agree with his words. --Marcus Tullius Cicero (106—43 BC) Roman orator and statesman. The public only takes up yesterday as a stick to beat today. --Jean Cocteau (1889—1963) French poet. Behavior which appears superficially correct, but is intrinsically corrupt, always irritates those who see below the surface. --James Bryant Conant (1893—1978) American chemist, educational administrator, and professor. Baccalaureate Address, Harvard College [1934] I own I am shock'd at the purchase of slaves, And fear those who buy them and sell them are knaves; What I hear of their hardships, their tortures, and groans, Is almost enough to draw pity from stones. I pity them greatly, but I must be mum, For how could we do without sugar and rum? Expecially sugar, so needful we see? What? give up our desserts, our coffee, and tea? --William Cowper (1731—1800) English poet and hymnodist. "Pity for Poor Africans" [1800] I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to. --J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, "The Book of the SubGenius" The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against Fame and learning has the author's name on the title page. --Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882) American philosopher and poet. _Journal_ [1857] Mankind are very odd Creatures. One Half censure what they practice, the other half practice what they censure; the rest always say and do as they ought. --Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790) American politician, inventor, and scientist. _Poor Richard's Almanack_ [June 1752] What hypocrites we seem to be whenever we talk of ourselves! Our words sound so humble, while our hearts are so proud. --Augustus William Hare (1792—1834) British essayist. - We all wear some disguise, make some professions, use some artifice, to set ourselves off as being better than we are; and yet it is not denied that we have some good intentions and praiseworthy qualities at bottom. --William Hazlitt (1778—1830) English essayist. _Sketches and Essays_ [1839], "On Cant and Hypocrisy" Cant is the voluntary overcharging or prolongation of a real sentiment; hypocrisy is the setting up a pretension to a feeling you never had and have no wish for. --William Hazlitt (1778—1830) English essayist. - Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, is he who, hiding one thing in his heart, utters another. --Homer (c. 850? BC) Greek epic poet. - Be not too hasty to trust or to admire the teachers of morality: they discourse like angels, but they live like men. --Samuel Johnson (1709—1784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. _Rasselas_ [1759] Affectation is to be always distinguished from hypocrisy as being the art of counterfeiting those qualities, which we might with innocence and safety, be known to want. Hypocrisy is the necessary burden of villainy; affectation part of the chosen trappings of folly. --Samuel Johnson (1709—1784) English poet, critic, and lexicographer. - - Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue. --François de La Rochefoucauld (1613—1680) French classical author. _Maxims_ [1665], maxim 218 The refusal of praise is a desire to be praised twice. --François de La Rochefoucauld (1613—1680) French classical author. _Maxims_ [1665], maxim 149 - Lies, injustice, and hypocrisy are a part of every ordinary community. Most people achieve a sort of protective immunity, a kind of callousness, toward them. If they didn't, they couldn't endure. --Nella Larsen (1893—1964) American novelist. Hypocrisy is the most difficult and nerve-racking vice that any man can pursue; it needs an unceasing vigilance and a rare detachment of spirit. It cannot, like adultery or gluttony, be practiced at spare moments; it is a whole-time job. --W. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965) English novelist, playwright, and short-story writer. _Cakes and Ale_ [1930] We protest against unjust criticism, but we accept unearned applause. --José Narosky All left-wing parties in the highly industrialized countries are at bottom a sham, because they make it their business to fight against something which they do not really wish to destroy. --George Orwell [Eric Blair] (1903—1950) English novelist. "Rudyard Kipling" [February 1942], in _The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell_ vol. 2, ed. Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus [1968]. I want that glib and oily art To speak and purpose not. --William Shakespeare (1564—1616) English dramatist. _King Lear_ [1605—1606] All Reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for. --Logan Pearsall Smith (1865—1946) American-born man of letters. _Afterthoughts_ [1931] "Other People" Prohibit not something to others which you permit to yourself. --Talmud (A.D.1st—6th cent.) Rabbinical writings. I sit on a man' back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means--except by getting off his back. --Leo Tolstoy (1828—1910) Russian novelist. _What Then Must We Do?_ [1886] Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. --Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910) American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot. "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" _Pudd'nhead Wilson_ [1894] I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. --Oscar Wilde (1854—1900) Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet. _The Importance of Being Earnest_ [1895] Better a false 'Good morning' than a sincere 'Go to Hell.' --Yiddish proverb - In my state [Texas] they really raise hell about the new [more open sexual] morality. This one old geezer said he was against it for three reasons. 'First, it's against the law of nature. Second, it's destructive of family living. And third, I ain't getting none of it.' --anon., in James Michener "The Revolution in Middle-Class Values" _New York Times Magazine_ [18 August 1968] end page | HABIT - HANGOVER | HAPPINESS | HAPPY BIRTHDAY - HATE | HATS - HEAT | HEALTH | HEAVEN - HIPPOS | HISTORIANS & HISTORY | HITCHCOCK - HOLOCAUST | HOME - HOMETOWNS | HONESTY & HONOR | HOOVER - HOTELS | HOUSE - HUMAN NATURE | HUMAN RACE - HUMANITY | HUMILIATION - HURT | HUMOR | HURTING (SOMEONE) | HUSBANDS - HYPOCRISY | | H | I - J | K - L | M | N - O | P - Q | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The End | The Reviews | Photos | |
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