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HISTORIANS --- HISTORY

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HISTORIANS

see: "HISTORY" (below)
see: "OCCUPATIONS" for other related links


I once had occasion to tell a group of graduate
students that any of them would be lucky to achieve
the fifth or sixth rank among historians. The remark
was prompted by their dissatisfaction with all they
knew: Gibbon was a bore, Macaulay a stuffed shirt,
Hegel and Michelet were fools, Carlyle and Buckle
frauds — this from students who could not write
ten pages of readable and properly documented
narrative. Pointing out that even second-and third-
rate men, such as Milman, Bancroft, or Grote, were
the superiors of these students' own instructors,
who were by definition superior to the students
themselves, was a sobering thought quite foreign
to their experience.
--Jacques Barzun (b. 1907)
French-born American writer, educator, and cultural historian.
_The House of Intellect_ [1959]

The poet may say or sing, not as things were, but as they ought to
have been; but the historian must pen them, not as they ought to
have been, but as they really were.
--Miguel de Cervantes (1547—1616)
Spanish novelist.
"Don Quixote de la Mancha", pt. II, ch. III [1615]

Th' further ye get away fr'm anny peeryod
the' betther ye can write about it. Ye are
not subjict to interruptions by people that
were there.
--Finley Peter Dunne (1867—1936)
American journalist and humorist.
_Mr. Dooley on Making a Will_ [1919]

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.
--Philip Guedalla (1889—1944)
British barrister and author.
"Some Historians" in _Supers and Supermen_ [1920].

The challenge [in writing history] is to get the reader
beyond thinking that things had to be the way they
turned out and to see the range of possibilities of
how it could have been otherwise.
--David McCullough (b. 1933)
American historian.
Quoted in "The New York Times Biographical Service" [1992].

The only good histories are those written by those
who had command in the events they describe.
--attributed to Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533—1592)
French moralist and essayist.

Instructed by the antiquary times,
He must, he is, he cannot but be wise.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_Troilus and Cressida_, II. iii [1602]

What his imagination is to the poet, facts are to
the historian. His exercise of judgment comes in
their selection, his art in their arrangement. His
method is narrative. His subject is the story of
man's past. His function is to make it known.
--Barbara Tuchman [nθe Wertheim] (1912—1989)
American historian and author.
"When Does History Happen?" in the _New York Times Book Review_ [8 March 1964].

History is more robust than poetry because it is
more truthful ... The discourse of historians exhibits
more substance, more practical knowledge, more
political wisdom ... and more learning of every sort
than the precepts of any philosophers ... Without
history one remains always a child.
--Lorenzo Valla (1405—1457)
Italian humanist historian and philosopher.
_Opera Omnia_, vol. 1 [1962 ed.]



HISTORY

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see: "KNOWLEDGE"
see: "PAST (THE)"
see: "TIME"


Histories make men wise.
--Francis Bacon (1561—1626)
English philosopher and essayist.
"Of Studies" in _The Works af Francis Bacon_, v. 1, p.168 [1825].

Legend remains victorious in spite of history.
--Sarah Bernhardt (1844—1923)
French actress.
_Memories Of My Life_ [1907]

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be;
and that which is done is that which shall be done;
and there is no new thing under the sun.
--Bible
"Ecclesiastes" 1:9

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22nd Dec., 1900. The old century is very nearly out, and leaves the
world in a pretty pass, and the British Empire is playing the devil
in it as never an empire before on so large a scale. We may live to
see its fall. All the nations of Europe are making the same hell upon
earth in China, massacring and pillaging and raping in the captured
cities as outrageously as in the Middle Ages. The Emperor of
Germany gives the word for slaughter and the Pope looks on and
approves. In South Africa our troops are burning farms under
Kitchener's command, and the Queen and the two houses of
Parliament, and the bench of bishops thank God publicly and vote
money for the work. The Americans are spending fifty millions a
year on slaughtering the Filipinos; the King of the Belgians has
invested his whole fortune on the Congo, where he is brutalizing
the Negroes to fill his pockets. The French and Italians for the
moment are playing a less prominent part in the slaughter, but
their inactivity grieves them. The whole white race is reveling
openly in violence, as though it had never pretended to be
Christian. God's equal curse be on them all! So ends the famous
nineteenth century into which we were so proud to have been
born. ...

31st Dec., 1900. I bid good-bye to the old century, may it rest
in peace as it has lived in war. Of the new century I prophesy
nothing except that it will see the decline of the British Empire.
Other worse empires will rise perhaps in its place, but I shall not
live to see the day. It all seems a very little matter here in Egypt,
with the pyramids watching us as they watched Joseph, when,
as a young man four thousand years ago, perhaps in this very
garden, he walked and gazed at the sunset behind them,
wondering about the future just as I did this evening. And
so, poor wicked nineteenth century, farewell!

--Wilfrid Scawen Blunt (1840—1922)
English poet and publicist.
_My Diaries, 1888-1914_ [1921].

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History is the torch that is meant to illuminate
the past to guard us against the repetition of
our mistakes of other days. We cannot join in
the rewriting of history to make it conform to
our comfort and convenience.
--Claude G[ernade] Bowers (1878—1958)
American jounalist, diplomat, and historian.
In the introduction to F. Jay Taylor
_The United States and the Spanish Civil War_ [1956].

For if old men are considered wise because they have seen
more than others, how much more wisdom can history lend
us — if it be written correctly. For it contains the deeds of
many ages and their reasons, so that one may easily find
what to imitate and what to avoid, and be spurred on to
great deeds by emulation of outstanding men.
--Leonardo Bruni (also called Leonardo Aretino) (c.1370—1444)
Italian humanist scholar of the Renaissance.
_Historiarum Florentini populi libri XII_ [1610]
(Twelve Books of Histories of the Florentine People)

History selects its heroes and its villains,
and few of us resist participation at the
parade or at the guillotine.
--William F. Buckley Jr. (1925—2008)
American author and journalist.
_The Jeweler's Eye_ [1968]

History, a distillation of rumor.
--Thomas Carlyle (1795—1881)
Scottish historian and political philosopher.
_The French Revolution: A History_, pt. I, bk. VII, ch. 5 [1837]

There is no history worthy of attention but that of a free
people; the history of a people subjected to despotism is
only a collection of anecdotes.
--Sιbastien-Roch Nicolas Chamfort (1741—1794)
French playwright and conversationalist.
Quoted in Louis Klopsch
_Many Thoughts of Many Minds_, p. 130 [1896].

The farther back you can look, the farther
forward you are likely to see.
--attributed to Winston Churchill (1874—1965)
British Conservative statesman and Prime Minister [1940—1945, 1951—1955].

Not to know what happened before one
was born is always to be a child.
[Lat., Nescire autem quid ante quam natus
sis acciderit, id est semper esse puerum.]
--Marcus Tullius Cicero (106—43 BC)
Roman orator and statesman.
_De Oratore_ (On The Orator), XXXIV [55 BC]

If men could learn from history, what lessons it might
teach us! But passion and party blind our eyes; and the
light which experience gives us a lantern on the stern
which shines only on the waves behind us.
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772—1834)
English poet, critic, and philosopher.
_Table Talk_ [1835] (18 December 1831)

History is a vast early warning system.
--Norman Cousins (1915—1990)
American publisher.
"Editor's Odyssey: Gleanings from Articles and Editorials by N.C.,"
1973, ed. Susan Schiefelbein _Saturday Review_ [15 April 1978].

Never mind about 1066 William the Conqueror, 1087
William the Second. Such things are not going to affect
one's life ...but 1932 the Mars Bar and 1936 Maltesers
and 1937 the Kit Kat — these dates are milestones in
history and should be seared into the memory of every
child in the country.
--attributed to Roald Dahl (1916—1990)
British author of short-stories and books for children.

History is philosophy teaching by examples.
--Dionysius of Halicarnassus (1st century B.C.)
Greek historian and literary critic.
_Ars rhetorica_, ch. 11

The more extensive a man's knowledge of what has
been done, the greater will be his power of knowing
what to do.
--Benjamin Disraeli (1804—1881)
British Tory statesman, novelist, and Prime Minister [1868, 1874—1880].
Attributed in Austin Phelps
_Men And Books: Or Studies In Homiletics_, p. 122 [1882].

Most of us spend too much time on the last twenty-four
hours and too little on the last six thousand years.
--Will Durant (1885—1981)
American philosopher and writer.
Quoted in Connie Robertson
_The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations_, p. 112 [1998].

History repeats itself.
--George Eliot [Mary Ann Evans] (1819—1880)
English novelist.
_Scenes of Clerical Life_ [1857]
(Published anonymously in Blackwood's Magazine)

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All history becomes subjective; in other words
there is properly no history, only biography.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882)
American philosopher and poet.
_Essays_ [1841], "History"


Most of the great results of history are
brought about by discreditable means.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803—1882)
American philosopher and poet.
"Considerations, By the Way" in _The Conduct of Life_ [1860].

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History is more or less bunk. It's tradition. We don't want
tradition. We want to live in the present, and the only
history that is worth a tinker's damn is the history we
make today.
--Henry Ford (1863—1947)
American car manufacturer.
Charles N. Wheeler interview in _Chicago Tribune_ [25 May 1916].

The Golden Age never was the present Age.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)
American politician, inventor, and scientist.
_Poor Richard's Almanack_ [1750]

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William the Bastard
invades, wins — Tapestry at
eleven for more.

Mother and father,
siblings perish overnight
in the great plague. Rats!

Bad King John is crowned.
Bad, bad, bad! Magna Carta
will straighten him out.

--Nick Friend

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A small body of determined spirits fired by an
unquenchable faith in their mission can alter
the course of history.
--Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869—1948)
Indian statesman and leader of the nationalistic movement against British rule.
Quoted in Nirmal Kumar Bose (ed.) _Selections From Gandhi_, p. 27 [1948].

History never looks like history when you are
living through it. It always looks confusing and
messy, and it always feels uncomfortable.
--John W. Gardner (1912—2002)
American administrator.
_No Easy Victories_ [1968]

History ... is, indeed, little more than the
register of crimes, follies and misfortunes
of mankind.
--Edward Gibbon (1737—1794)
English historian.
_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, ch. 3 [1776—1788]


The illusion that times that were are better than
those that are, has probably pervaded all ages.
--Horace Greeley (1811—1872)
American newspaper editor.
_The American Conflict_, ch. I [1864—1866]

Rulers, Statesmen, Nations, are wont to be emphatically commended
to the teaching which experience offers in history. But what experience
and history teach is this — that people and governments never have
learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it.
Each period is involved in such peculiar circumstances, exhibits a
condition of things so strictly idiosyncratic, that its conduct must be
regulated by considerations connected with itself, and itself alone.
--Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770—1831)
German philosopher.
_Lectures on the Philosophy of World History_,
vol. 10 Introduction [1830], translated by H. B. Nisbet, [1975].

A generation which ignores history has no past — and no future.
--Robert Heinlein (1907—1988)
American science-fiction writer.
_Time Enough for Love_ [1973]

I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided,
and that is the lamp of experience. I know no way
of judging the future but by the past.
--Patrick Henry (1736—1799)
American statesman, instrumental in the adoption of The Bill of Rights.
Speech to Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia [23 March 1775].

That men do not learn very much from the lessons
of history is the most important of all the lessons
that history has to teach.
--Aldous Huxley (1894—1963)
English novelist (grandson of T.H. Huxley.)
_Collected Essays_ [1971]

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History fades into fable, facts become clouded with doubt
and controversy, the inscription moulders from the tablet,
the statue falls from the pedestal. Columns, arches, pyramids
— what are they but heaps of sand? and their epitaphs, but
characters written in the dust?
--Washington Irving (1783—1859)
American author, essayist, and travel book writer.
"Westminster Abbey" in
_The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent_ [1819-1820].


History is but a kind of Newgate calendar, a
register of the crimes and miseries that man
has inflicted on his fellow-man.
--Washington Irving (1783—1859)
American author, essayist, and travel book writer.
Quoted in Tryon Edwards _A Dictionary of Thoughts_, p. 227 [1908 ed.].

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History, by apprizing [men] of the past,
will enable them to judge of the future;
it will avail them of the experience of
other times and other nations; it will
qualify them as judges of the actions
and designs of men; it will enable them
to know ambition under every disguise
it may assume; and knowing it, to
defeat its views.
--Thomas Jefferson (1743—1826)
American statesman and president [1801—1809].
_Notes on the State of Virginia_ [1784]


I like the dreams of the future better
than the history of the past.
--Thomas Jefferson (1743—1826)
American statesman and president [1801—1809].
Letter to John Adams [1 August 1816].

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We must consider how very little history there is; I mean real,
authentic history. That certain kings reigned, and certain battles
were fought, we can depend upon as true; but all the coloring,
all the philosophy of history is conjecture.
--Samuel Johnson (1709—1784)
English poet, critic, and lexicographer.
In Boswell _The Life of Samuel Johnson_, ch. XXXII "1775" [1791].

History is made out of the failures and heroism of each
insignificant moment. If one throws a stone into a river,
it produces a succession of ripples. But most men live
without being conscious of a responsibility which
extends beyond themselves. And that is at the
root of our misery.
--Franz Kafka (1883—1924)
Czech novelist.
In Gustav Janouch _Conversations with Kafka_, tr. Goronwy Rees [1953].

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Democracy requires the intelligent participation of people
who know something about the issues, who can place facts
in historical context and make sense of them. You don't
have to be a rocket scientist to do that, nor have a Ph.D.
in history. But you do have to know a little bit about how
we got where we are. At least that.

The fact that we seem to be turning out a generation of
youngsters who lack even that little bit is a national
scandal — and tragedy.

--Don Kaul
"Life, Liberty, The Pursuit Of Ignorance" [10 August 2000]

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It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and
belief that human history is shaped. Each time a
man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the
lot of others, or strikes out against injustice,
he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.
--Robert F. Kennedy (1925—1968)
American Democratic politician.
"Day of Affirmation" speech, University of Capetown, South Africa [6 June 1966].

A study of the history of opinion is a necessary
preliminary to the emancipation of the mind.
--John Maynard Keynes (1883—1946)
English economist.
_The End of Laissez-Faire_ ch. 1 [1926]

History is a better guide than good intentions.
--Jeane Kirkpatrick (1926—2006)
American Conservative political scientist, professor, author, and the first
woman to serve as the American Ambassador to the United Nations.
"Dictatorship and Double Standards" in _Commentary_ (mag.) [November 1979].

History is not, of course, a cookbook offering
pretested recipes. It teaches by analogy, not
by maxims. It can illuminate the consequences
of actions in comparable situations, yet each
generation must discover for itself what
situations are in fact comparable.
--Henry Alfred Kissinger (b. 1923)
German-born American diplomat.
_White House Years_ [1979]

History teaches everything, even the future.
--Alphonse de Lamartine (1790—1869)
French poet, novelist, and statesman.
_History Of The French Revolution Of 1848_ [1854]

The time is not come for impartial history.
If the truth were told just now it would
not be credited.
--Robert E. Lee (1807—1870)
American Confederate general. [c. 1868], in David
McCrae _The Americans at Home_ [1870].

Nor deem the irrevocable Past
As wholly wasted, wholly vain,
If, rising on its wrecks, at last
To something nobler we attain.
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807—1882)
American poet.
"The Ladder of St. Augustine" [1858]

Those who compare the age in which their lot has fallen
with a golden age which exists only in imagination, may
talk of degeneracy and decay; but no man who is correctly
informed as to the past will be disposed to take a morose
or desponding view of the present.
--Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800—1859)
English politician and historian.
_History of England_, vol. I, ch. 1 [1849—1861]

Wise men say, and not without reason, that whoever
wishes to foresee the future must consult the past;
for human events ever resemble those of preceding
times. This arises from the fact that they are
produced by men who have been, and ever will be,
animated by the same passions, and thus they must
necessarily have the same results.
--Niccolς Machiavelli (1469—1527)
Florentine statesman and political philosopher.
_Discourses On The First Ten Books Of Livy_, bk. III, ch. XLIII [c. 1517]
in _The Historical, Political, and Diplomatic Writings of Niccolo Machiavelli_
tr. from the Italian, by Christian E. Detmold [4 vols., J. R. Osgood, Boston 1882].

Hegel says somewhere that all great events
and personalities in world history reappear
in one fashion or another. He forgot to add:
the first time as tragedy, the second as
farce.
--Karl Marx (1818—1883)
German political philosopher.
_The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte_, pt. I [1852]

A nation that forgets its past can function
no better than an individual with amnesia.
--David McCullough (b. 1933)
American historian.
Quoted in Alan F. Pater & Jason R. Pater
_What They Said in 1978_ [1979].

We drive into the future using only our rearview mirror.
--attributed to H. (Herbert) Marshall McLuhan (1911—1980)
Canadian professor and author.

Few learn much from history who do not
bring much with them to its study.
--John Stuart Mill (1806—1873)
English philosopher and social reformer.
_The Subjection of Women_, ch. I [1869]

An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted.
--Arthur Miller (1915—2005)
American dramatist.
"The Year It Came Apart" in
_New York_ (mag.) [30 Dec. 1974 - 6 Jan. 1975].

America was discovered accidentally by a great seaman who
was looking for something else; when discovered it was not
wanted; and most of the exploration for the next fifty years
was done in the hope of getting through or around it.
America was named after a man who discovered no part
of the New World. History is like that, very chancy.
--Samuel Eliot Morison (1887—1976)
American historian, author and winner of two Pulitzer Prizes.
_The Oxford History of the American People_, ch. 2 [1965]

Blood alone moves the wheels of history.
--Benito Mussolini (1883—1945)
Italian Fascist dictator.
Speech in Parma [1914], as quoted in
Martin Gilbert _The First World War_ [1994].

One would expect people to remember the past and to imagine the
future. But in fact, when discoursing or writing about history, they
imagine it in terms of their own experience, and when trying to
gauge the future they cite supposed analogies from the past: till,
by a double process of repetition, they imagine the past and
remember the future.
--Lewis B. Namier [Ludvik Bernstein] (1888—1960)
Polish-born English historian.
"Symmetry and Repetition" in _Conflicts: Studies in Contemporary History_ [1942].

The history of the world and its peoples in three words —
'Born,
troubled,
died.'
--Carl Sandburg (1878—1967)
American poet.
_The People, Yes_ [1936]

Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness.
When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and
no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience
is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who
cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. In the first
stage of life the mind is frivolous and easily distracted; it misses
progress by failing in consecutiveness and persistence. This is the
condition of children and barbarians, in which instinct has learned
nothing from experience.
--George Santayana (1863—1952)
Spanish-born philosopher and critic.
_Life of Reason_, vol. 1, chap. 12, p. 284 [1905]

History, by putting crisis in perspective, supplies
the antidote to every generation's illusion that
its own problems are uniquely oppressive.
--Arthur M. Schlesinger Jr. (1917—2007)
American historian.
"The Challenge of Change" in _New York Times Magazine_ [27 July 1986].

We have seen better days.
--William Shakespeare (1564—1616)
English dramatist.
_As You Like It_, II, vii [1599]

If you want the present to be different
from the past, study the past.
--attributed to Benedict de Spinoza (1632—1677)
Dutch-Jewish philosopher, the foremost
exponent of 17th century Rationalism.

Neglect of historical knowledge is to a nation
what the loss of memory is to a man.
--William Stubbs (1825—1901)
English historian.
Attributed in Mabel V. Jackson Haigh
_European Powers and South-East Africa_ [1967].

Like most of those who study history, he learned from
the mistakes of the past how to make new ones.
--A. J. P. Taylor (1906—1990)
British historian.
On Napolean III, in "Mistaken Lessons from the Past" _Listener_ [6 June 1963].

I take delight in history, even its most prosaic details, because they
become poetical as they recede into the past. The poetry of history
lies in the quasimiraculous fact that once, on this earth, once, on
this familiar ground, walked other men and women, as actual as we
are today, thinking their own thoughts, swayed by their own passions,
but now all gone, one generation vanishing after another, gone as
utterly as we ourselves shall shortly be gone, like ghosts at cock-
crow.
--G. M. Trevelyan (1876—1962)
English historian.
_Clio, A Muse_ [1913]

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Ancient histories, as one of our wits has said,
are but fables that have been agreed upon.
--Voltaire (Franηois Marie Arouet) (1694—1778)
French writer and philosopher.
_Jeannot et Colin_ [1764]


History is only the register of crimes and misfortunes.
--Voltaire (Franηois Marie Arouet) (1694—1778)
French writer and philosopher.
_L'Ingιnu_, X [1767]


History can be well written only in a free country.
--Voltaire to Frederick II [27 May 1773], quoted in M.J. Cohan
and John Major (eds.) _History in Quotations_ [2004].

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It is not how much you know about life but how you live
your life that counts. Those who can avoid mistakes by
observing the mistakes of others are most apt to keep
free from sorrow. In a world full of uncertainties, the
record of what has gone before — human experience
— is as sure and reliable as anything of which we know.
--Ray Lyman Wilbur (1875—1949)
Medical doctor and president of Stanford University.
Quoted in Alfred Armand Montapert _Inspiration & Motivation_ [1982].

-----

The history of the world, as found in Richard Lederer's _Anguished
English_ — as written by students 8th grade through college:

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinquished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out the words "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the Bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks.

Another story was about Willian Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Napoleon wanted a heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

-

A Condensed Version of History

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed
version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer,
and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BB Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor,
and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and
beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists' are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was
tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

|||

[The] American Council of Trustees and Alumni commissioned the
Roper organization — The Center for Survey Research and Analysis
at the University of Connecticut — to survey college seniors from the
nation’s best colleges and universities as identified by the U.S. News
& World Report’s annual college rankings. The top 55 liberal arts
colleges and research universities were sampled during December
1999.

The questions were drawn from a basic high school curriculum. In fact,
many of the questions had been used in the National Assessment of
Educational Progress (NAEP) tests given to high school students.

How did seniors from our nation’s top colleges and universities do?
They flunked. Four out of five — 81% — of seniors from the top 55
colleges and universities in the United States received a grade of D
or F. They could not identify Valley Forge, or words from the Gettysburg
Address, or even the basic principles of the U.S. Constitution.

• Scarcely more than half knew general information about American
democracy and the Constitution.

• Only 34% of the students surveyed could identify George Washington
as an American general at the battle of Yorktown, the culminating battle
of the American Revolution.

• Only 42% were able to identify George Washington as “First in war,
first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.”

• Less than one quarter (23%) correctly identified James Madison as
the “father of the Constitution.”

• Even fewer — 22% of the college seniors — were able to identify
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people” as a line
from the Gettysburg Address — arguably one of the three most
important documents underlying the American system of
government.

• Over one-third were unable to identify the U.S. Constitution as
establishing the division of power in American government.

• Little more than half (52%) knew George Washington’s Farewell
Address warned against permanent alliances with foreign governments.

What do they know? They get an A+ in contemporary popular culture.

• 99% know who the cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead are.

• 98% can identify the rap singer Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Beavis and Butthead instead of Washington and Madison;
Snoop Doggy Dogg instead of Lincoln? How did it come
to this? Students and parents are paying $30,000 a year
at elite institutions. For what?

-

-----

anachronism (noun) [κ-'nζ-krκ-ni-zκm]
A person or thing chronologically misplaced, especially something or
someone in a modern setting that belongs in a historically older one.


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