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. . . BASTARDS Bring in the guilty bastard. We'll give him a fair trial, and then we'll hang him. --Roy Bean (18251903) American jurist. Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards. --Lois McMaster Bujold (1949 ) American science fiction author. _A Civil Campaign_ Love your enemies, just in case your friends turn out to be bunch of bastards. --R.A. Dickson Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game, and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of every thousand are bastards. --Theodore Dreiser (18711945) American novelist. Quoting an unidentified newspaper editor in _A Book About Myself_ [1922]. Just another of our many disagreements. He wanted a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. --J.B. Handelsman American cartoonist. Woman to her lawyer. Cartoon caption, "New Yorker" [25 August 1997]. The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. --Alexander Jablokov (1956 ) American science-fiction author. You bastard! You have disgraced the industry that made and fed you! You should be tarred and feathered and run out of Hollywood! --Louis B. Mayer (18851957) Russian born American movie producer and co-founder of MGM. To director Billy Wilder after a screening of "Sunset Boulevard," in David Thompson's _The Whole Equation_. Having been born a bastard, I feel it has given me a head start on all those people who have spent their lives becoming one. --Rod McKuen (1933 ) American poet, composer, and singer. _Time_ [December 29, 1975] - "Four Prominent Bastards" by Ogden Nash (19021971) American humorist. (Written for the Dutch Treat Club show, New York, March 1933.) The banker: I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states. I'm a dandy demonstration of hereditary traits. As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads, As the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds, As the Barrymores, the Roosevelts, and others I could name Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame, My position in the structure of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My pappy was a gentleman and musical to boot. He used to play piano in a house of ill repute. The madam was a lady and a credit to her cult. She enjoyed my pappy's playing, and I was the result. So my mammy and my pappy are the ones I have to thank That I'm chairman of the board of the National County Bank. Chorus: Oh, our parents forgot to get married. Oh, our parents forgot to get wed. Did a wedding bell chime? It was always a time When our parents were somewhere in bed. Oh, thanks to our kind, loving parents, We are kings in the land of the free Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker, Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala, Four prominent bastards are we. The broker: In a cozy little farmhouse, in a cozy little dell, A dear, old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell. She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild, And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child. The year her hospitality attained a record high, She became the happy mammy of an infant, which was I. Whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin By childishly inquiring who my pappy might ave been. The hired man was favored by the girls in mammy's set, And a traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet, But such were mammy's motives, and such was her allure, That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure. Well, I took my mammy's morals, and I took my pappy's crust, And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust. The senator: On a lonesome southern chain gang on a dusty southern road, My late lamented daddy made his permanent abode. Now some were there for stealing, but daddy's only fault Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault. His philosophy was simple and free from moral tape: Seduction is for sissies a he-man wants his rape. Daddy's total list of victims was embarrasingly rich, And though one of them was mammy, he couldn't tell me which. Well, I didn't go to college, but I got me a degree: I reckon I'm the model of a perfect S.O.B. I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad: I'm the most expensive senator the country ever had. I remember daddy's warning that raping is a crime, Unless you rape the voters a million at a time. You and I: I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states, A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits. As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet And the daughter of a floosy has a wiggle to her seat, My position at the bottom of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My father was a married man, and what is even more, He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore. I was born in holy wedlock; consequently bye and bye I was rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye. I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall, And if I saved a penny, the bastards took it all. At last I've learned my lesson and I'm on the proper track: I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm going to get it back. - In 1929 the wise, far-seeing electors of my native Hereford sent me to Westminster and, two years later, the lousy bastards kicked me out. --Frank Owen Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard? --Vic Richardson querying the Australian cricket team after complaint by Douglas Jardine, English captain during Bodyline Tour. The people have spoken the bastards! --Dick Tuck, After losing his campaign for the California state legislature. In "Playboy" [1974]. - After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. --_The Guardian_ -- For three years the young attorney had been taking brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have been married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."  ;void(0)) BATH (ENGLAND) . . see "PLACES" for related links And of all the fine Sights I have seen, my dear Mother, I never expect to behold such another: How the ladies did giggle, and set up their clacks, All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs. Oh! twas pretty to see them all put on their flannels, And then take the water like so many spaniels. And though all the while it grew hotter and hotter, They swam just as if they were hunting an otter. Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair sex, All wading with *gentlemen, up to their necks, And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl, In a great smoking kettle, as big as our hall; And to-day, many persons of rank and condition Were boild by command of an able physician. --Christopher Anstey (17241805) English poet. _The New Bath Guide_ Bath,...which, more like a prison than a place of diversion, scarce gives the company room to converse out of the smell of their own excrements, and where the very city it self may be said to stink like a general common-shore. --Daniel Defoe (16601731) English novelist and journalist. _A Tour through the Whole Island of Great Britain_ [1724] They may say what they will, but it does one ten times more good to leave Bath than to go to it. --Horace Walpole (17171797) English writer and connoisseur. Letter to George Montagu [22 October 1766]. The Baths were like so many Bear Gardens and Modesty was entirely shut of them. People of both sexes bathing by day and Night naked; and Dogs, cats, and even human creatures were hurl'd over the rails into the water, while People were bathing in it. --John Wood (17041754) English architect. . . see: "PHONIES" see "INDIVIDUALITY" for other related links By your own soul, learn to live And if men thwart you take no heed. If men hate you have no care. Sing your song, dream your dream, Hope your hope and pray your prayer. --Parkenham Beatty To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. --E.E. (Edward Estlin) Cummings (18941962) American poet. _A Miscellany_ [1958] Whatever may be the success of my stories, I shall be resolute in preserving my incognito, having observed that a nom de plume secures all the advantages without the disagreeables of reputation. --George Eliot [Mary Ann Evans] (18191880) English novelist. Letter to William Blackwood [4 February 1857]. Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. --Judy Garland [Frances Gumm] (19221969) American motion-picture singer and actress. The qualities we have do not make us so ridiculous as those which we affect to have. [Fr., On n'est jamais si ridicule par les qualites que l'on a que par celles que l'on affecte d'avoir.] --Franηois de La Rochefoucauld (16131680) French classical author. _Maxims_ [1665] # 134 If I try to be like him, who will be like me? --Yiddish Proverb . . see: "THE BODY" Never trust anyone who wears a beard, a bow-tie, two-toned shoes, sandals or sunglasses. --Michael Caine [Sir Maurice Joseph Micklewhite] (1933 ) British actor. The Times (1992) [quoting his father's advice]. There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren Have all built their nests in my beard.' --Edward Lear (18121888) English landscape painter and writer of nonsense verse. _Book of Nonsense_ [1846] Of the seven dwarves only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving. --Tom Robbins (1936 ) American author. _Skinny Legs and All_ [1990] ;void(0)) BEARS . . see "ANIMALS" for related links ^ Around the Mall: A Bear-Handed Grab How a stranded cub became the living symbol for one of America's best-known advertising campaigns By Anne Broache _Smithsonian_ [June 2005] G. W. Chapman plucked America's most famous bear from a forest fire near Capitan, New Mexico. It was May 1950, and Chapman was a 20-year-old U.S. Forest Service rookie fighting the biggest blaze he'd ever seen. Dry winds whipped a firestorm toward him and his crew, and they lay flat on a rockslide while flames crowned in the treetops. "When it was all over, we heard this little strange noise," Chapman recalls. "And here was this bear cub up in a burned tree." They called the cinnamon-colored creature badly singed, but still breathing Hotfoot Teddy. Chapman wrapped the 3-month-old cub in his Army field jacket and carried him to base camp, along the way glimpsing corpses of deer and bears "that weren't so lucky making it out," he says. A game warden flew Hotfoot to Santa Fe for treatment and cared for him at home. Within weeks, the growing bear was bullying the family dog and overturning furniture. Eventually, the director of the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish offered the animal to the Forest Service, which promptly adopted the cub and outfitted him with a stage name: Smokey. Actually, the agency, which celebrates its centennial this year and will participate in this summer's Folklife Festival on the National Mall, had debuted a cartoon black bear named Smokey in 1944. Sporting a forester's hat and bluejeans, the bear cautioned, "Only you can prevent forest fires." (In 2001, forestry officials changed the slogan to "Only you can prevent wildfires," while underscoring the growing awareness that some natural fires benefit forests.) The safety campaign's first living symbol took up residence at the Smithsonian's National Zoo in June 1950. When he arrived, "children screamed with delight and photographers flashed scores of bulbs," the Washington Post reported. The press couldn't get enough of the ursine celebrity. In 1962 the Zoo brought him a "wife," as the Post persisted in calling her, named Goldie, who was "a blond from New Mexico," the Los Angeles Times noted. Over the next decade, Smokey, in "monklike abstinence," hadn't "so much as given his bride a second look, except when she tries to take too much fish," Kenneth Turan wrote in the Post, and the pair never mated. Smokey received more than four million visitors a year. He got so much fan mail that the Postal Service gave him a separate ZIP code. A 1968 survey found that kids liked the cartoon cub more than Bullwinkle. Smokey died, heirless, in 1976 to a chorus of obituaries. As for Chapman, he used the $300 bonus he'd earned working the 1950 Capitan blaze to get married. He later launched a civil service Air Force career. Now retired in Alamogordo, New Mexico, he's scheduled to come to the Folklife Festival and talk about his run-in with Smokey. A small yellow sign emblazoned with a black bear's head hangs on the front of Chapman's Ford pickup. People ask him about it. Sometimes he spills the whole story. Sometimes he just says, "Oh, I like bears." ^ I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me. --A. A. (Alan Alexander) Milne (18821956) English writer for children. _Winnie-the-Pooh_ [1926], Ch. 4 ^ "Is Global Warming Killing the Polar Bears?" By Jim Carlton _The Wall Street Journal_ December 14, 2005 It may be the latest evidence of global warming: Polar bears are drowning. Scientists for the first time have documented multiple deaths of polar bears off Alaska, where they likely drowned after swimming long distances in the ocean amid the melting of the Arctic ice shelf. The bears spend most of their time hunting and raising their young on ice floes. In a quarter-century of aerial surveys of the Alaskan coastline before 2004, researchers from the U.S. Minerals Management Service said they typically spotted a lone polar bear swimming in the ocean far from ice about once every two years. Polar-bear drownings were so rare that they have never been documented in the surveys. But in September 2004, when the polar ice cap had retreated a record 160 miles north of the northern coast of Alaska, researchers counted 10 polar bears swimming as far as 60 miles offshore. Polar bears can swim long distances but have evolved to mainly swim between sheets of ice, scientists say. The researchers returned to the vicinity a few days after a fierce storm and found four dead bears floating in the water. "Extrapolation of survey data suggests that on the order of 40 bears may have been swimming and that many of those probably drowned as a result of rough seas caused by high winds," the researchers say in a report set to be released today. While the government researchers won't speculate on why a climate change is taking place in the Arctic, environmentalists unconnected to the survey say U.S. policies emphasizing oil and gas development are exacerbating global warming, which is accelerating the melting of the ice. "For anyone who has wondered how global warming and reduced sea ice will affect polar bears, the answer is simple they die," said Richard Steiner, a marine-biology professor at the University of Alaska. [ . . .. ] Some experts say that climate change may indeed be shrinking the ice pack, but they dispute that emissions are the main culprit or that significantly cutting greenhouse gases would really make a difference. "Whether humans are responsible for some, most, or all of the current warming trend in the Arctic, there is no proposal on the table that would actually prevent continued warming or reverse present trends," said Sterling Burnett, a senior fellow at the National Center for Policy Analysis, a nongovernment organization based in Dallas. "The question is how to adapt to future changes in climate, regardless of the direction or the cause." In addition to documenting polar-bear deaths, the Minerals Management Service researchers, Chuck Monnett, Jeffrey Gleason and Lisa Rotterman, also found a striking shift in the bears' habits. From 1979 to 1991, 87% of the bears spotted were found mostly on sea ice. From 1992 to 2004, the percentage dropped to 33%. Most of the remaining bears have been found either in the ocean or on beaches, congregating around carcasses of whales butchered by hunters. In the past, polar bears were rarely seen at such kill sites, because they spent their time hunting their favorite meal seals on sea ice. Marine experts consider the findings to be presented at a marine-mammal conference this week in San Diego an ominous sign. Some have warned for years that a rapid thawing of the Arctic from global warming could endanger species like the polar bear. Already, a warmer Alaska over the past half-century has been linked to increased erosion of rivers and streams, insect infestations and the undermining of pipelines and roads as the permafrost thaws. [. . . ] Some scientists predict polar bears could become extinct within the next century because they have adapted over the millennia to only hunting on ice. If they try to swim in disappearing ice conditions to catch seals, more are likely to tire and drown, scientists say. Polar bears that stay onshore aren't adapted to hunting land animals like caribou, which are preyed upon by more-aggressive grizzly bears. Polar bears also require more fat intake than most food on land offers them, experts say. [. . . ] Previous studies by the U.S. and Canadian governments support a link between the decline in sea ice in the Arctic and the ways polar bears try to adapt to their surroundings. For example, researchers say polar bears in the Beaufort Sea off Alaska and Canada used to spend most of their lives jumping from ice floe to ice floe in pursuit of seals. Only pregnant bears would occasionally wander onto the mainland, in search of a den. But weekly aerial surveys by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service show that, over the past five years, an unusually large number of bears have congregated along the beaches. Between the coastal town of Barrow, Alaska and the Canadian border, about 300 miles east, researchers counted as many as 200 bears on land, said Scott Schliebe, director of the Fish and Wildlife's polar-bear project. Many bears could be seen gathered around whale carcasses near villages like Kaktovik, which lies in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge where the Bush administration is pushing for drilling. Scientists measured the distances from where the bears were gathered to the nearest ice sheets at sea and found this correlation: The farther the ice was from shore, the larger the number of bears were found on land. Scientists estimate there are 20,000 to 25,000 polar bears world-wide, including about 2,000 that frequent the Beaufort Sea off Alaska. The latest population study by federal officials, in 1997, suggested the Alaskan bear population wasn't endangered. An update is expected by the end of next year. [ . . . ] ;void(0)) BEATLES (THE) . . see: "THE SIXTIES" see "MUSIC" for other related links see "PEOPLE" for other related links - As soon as the Beatles finished playing, [at a concert at Shea Stadium in Queens, New York, on August 15, 1965], the car sped across the field to the stage. I shook hands with the four boys and Brian. I could see that he was relieved. "Great Sid," he said. "Just marvelous. Thanks again. I'll talk to you soon." The five of them got into the waiting armored car, and I slammed the door shut. They were in that car and on the move no more than twenty seconds after they stepped off the stage. The back gate of Shea opened, the armored car sped through and they were gone. The screaming continued, but the audience soon realized that there would be no encore. The crowd began to empty out of the stadium very slowly, as when one departs from a loved one or an object of admiration. I waited until every ticketholder was out of Shea Stadium. I made my way to the emergency station to thank the doctors and nurses for their services and inquired as to whether anyone had needed medical attention during the concert. When I arrived, about ten or fifteen young girls were lying on stretchers. They were overcome with excitement. As I walked into the first-aid area, one of the young doctors recognized me. "Hi, Mr. Bernstein. It was quite a night." Suddenly, the girls jumped off their stretchers and besieged me. "Had I shaken the Beatles' hands?" they wanted to know. Already history was repeating itself. "Yes, indeed," I replied. "And did you wash your hands yet?" they asked, almost in unison. "Not since I shook John, Paul, George and Ringo's hands, no." "Wow! Can we please shake your hand?" "Sure," I said. And they all lined up and one after another clasped my hand. "Look how I cured these kids with just a handshake," I joked to the young doctors. "I should have become a doctor myself!" The kids walked away, vowing never to let water touch their hands again. It was beyond amazing. --Sid Bernstein (1918 ) American music promoter. _It's Sid Bernstein Calling_ [2002], "A Whole New Ballgame" - - _Playboy_ interviewing John Lennon in 1980: PLAYBOY: What about the suggestion that the four of you put aside your personal feelings and regroup to give a mammoth concert for charity, some sort of giant benefit? LENNON: I don't want to have anything to do with benefits. I have been benefited to death. Every one of them was a mess or a rip-off. PLAYBOY: What about the Bangladesh concert, in which George and other people such as Dylan performed? LENNON: Bangladesh was caca. It's all a rip-off. So forget about it. All of you who are reading this, don't bother sending me all that garbage about, "Just come and save the Indians, come and save the blacks, come and save the war veterans." Anybody I want to save will be helped through our tithing, which is ten percent of whatever we earn. PLAYBOY: But that doesn't compare with what one promoter, Sid Bernstein, said you could raise by giving a world-wide televised concert-playing separately, as individuals, or together, as the Beatles. He estimated you could raise over $200,000,000 in one day. $200,000,000 to a poverty-stricken country in South America. LENNON: Where do people get off saying the Beatles should give $200,000,000 to South America? You know, America has poured billions into places like that. It doesn't mean a damn thing. After they've eaten that meal, then what? It lasts for only a day. After the $200,000,000 is gone, then what? It goes round and round in circles. You can pour money in forever. After Peru, then Harlem, then Britain. There is no one concert. We would have to dedicate the rest of our lives to one world concert tour, and I'm not ready for it. Not in this lifetime, anyway. --interview, _Playboy_, Christmas 1980 issue. - - Growing up as John Lennon's son has been a rocky path. All my life I've had people coming up to me saying "I loved your dad." I always have very mixed feelings when I hear this. I know that Dad was an idol to millions who grew up loving his music and his ideals. But to me he wasn't a musician or a peace icon, he was the father I loved and who let me down in so many ways. After the age of five, when my parents separated, I saw him only a handful of times, and when I did he was often remote and intimidating. I grew up longing for more contact with him but felt rejected and unimportant in his life. Dad was a great talent, a remarkable man who stood for peace and love in the world. But at the same time he found it very hard to show any peace and love to his first family my mother and me. In many accounts of Dad's life, Mum and I are either dismissed or at best treated as insignificant bit players, which is sadly something that continues to this day. --Julian Lennon (1963 ) (In Cynthia Lennon's _John_ [2005], "Foreword") - - Three hundred thousand people welcomed us to Adelaide. It was like a heroes' welcome. . . We came in from the airport it was the same in Liverpool for the premiere of A Hard Day's Night, with the whole city center full of people and the crowds were lining the route and we were giving them the thumbs up. And then we went to the Adelaide town hall with the Lord Mayor there, and gave the thumbs up again. In Liverpool it was OK, because everyone understands the thumbs up but in Australia it's a dirty sign. --Paul McCartney (1942 ) English pop singer and songwriter. (In _The Beatles Anthology_ [2000], "Australia") - - From _Turbulent Years, The 60s_, Time-Life books: Here come the Beatles After the Kennedy assasination in November 1963, Americans were longing for something to make them feel alive again. That something would be the Beatles. "We are the antidote, the medicine man," said Beatles' manager Brian Epstein, "dispensing the balm for a very sick society." Of course there were doubters. A top Capitol Records executive exclaimed, "We don't think the Beatles will do anything in this market." A disc jockey on WMCA in New York City proclaimed the following on February 7, 1964: "It is now 6:30 a.m., Beatle-time. They left London 30 minutes ago. They're out over the Atlantic Ocean, headed for New York. The temperature is 32 Beatle degrees." end page | BABIES - BARTENDERS | BASEBALL | BASTARDS - BEATLES (THE) | BEAUTY | BED - BEGINNINGS | BEHAVIOR - BELIEF | BENNY (JACK) - BIBLE | BICYCLES - BIRDS | BIRTH - BLAIR (TONY) | BLAME - BLOGGING | BLONDES - BOOK BURNING | BOOKS | BOOMERS (THE) - BOXING | BOYS - BREAKING UP | BREASTS - BRITAIN | BROADWAY - BUBBLES (ECONOMIC) | BUGS BUNNY - BUREAUCRACY | BURMA SHAVE - BUSYBODIES | | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The End | The Reviews | Photos | |
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