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Home |
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. . . BASTARDS Bring in the guilty bastard. We'll give him a fair trial, and then we'll hang him. --Roy Bean (1825-1903) American jurist Love your enemies, just in case your friends turn out to be bunch of bastards. --R.A. Dickson Just another of our many disagreements. He wanted a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. --J.B. Handelsman, American cartoonist Woman to her lawyer. Cartoon caption, "New Yorker" [25 August 1997] The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. --Alexander Jablokov (1956- ) American science-fiction author Having been born a bastard, I feel it has given me a head start on all those people who have spent their lives becoming one. --Rod McKuen (1933- ) American singer and composer, _Time_ [December 29, 1975] Four Prominent Bastards by Ogden Nash (1902-1971) American humorist (Written for the Dutch Treat Club show, New York, March 1933) The banker: I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states. I'm a dandy demonstration of hereditary traits. As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads, As the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds, As the Barrymores, the Roosevelts, and others I could name Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame, My position in the structure of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My pappy was a gentleman and musical to boot. He used to play piano in a house of ill repute. The madam was a lady and a credit to her cult. She enjoyed my pappy's playing, and I was the result. So my mammy and my pappy are the ones I have to thank That I'm chairman of the board of the National County Bank. Chorus: Oh, our parents forgot to get married. Oh, our parents forgot to get wed. Did a wedding bell chime? It was always a time When our parents were somewhere in bed. Oh, thanks to our kind, loving parents, We are kings in the land of the free -- Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker, Four prominent bastards are we, tralalala, Four prominent bastards are we. The broker: In a cozy little farmhouse, in a cozy little dell, A dear, old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell. She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild, And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child. The year her hospitality attained a record high, She became the happy mammy of an infant, which was I. Whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin By childishly inquiring who my pappy might ave been. The hired man was favored by the girls in mammy's set, And a traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet, But such were mammy's motives, and such was her allure, That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure. Well, I took my mammy's morals, and I took my pappy's crust, And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust. The senator: On a lonesome southern chain gang on a dusty southern road, My late lamented daddy made his permanent abode. Now some were there for stealing, but daddy's only fault Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault. His philosophy was simple and free from moral tape: Seduction is for sissies -- a he-man wants his rape. Daddy's total list of victims was embarrasingly rich, And though one of them was mammy, he couldn't tell me which. Well, I didn't go to college, but I got me a degree: I reckon I'm the model of a perfect S.O.B. I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad: I'm the most expensive senator the country ever had. I remember daddy's warning that raping is a crime, Unless you rape the voters a million at a time. You and I: I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states, A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits. As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet And the daughter of a floosy has a wiggle to her seat, My position at the bottom of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My father was a married man, and what is even more, He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore. I was born in holy wedlock; consequently bye and bye I was rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye. I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall, And if I saved a penny, the bastards took it all. At last I've learned my lesson and I'm on the proper track: I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm going to get it back. - In 1929 the wise, far-seeing electors of my native Hereford sent me to Westminster and, two years later, the lousy bastards kicked me out. --Frank Owen Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard? --Vic Richardson querying the Australian cricket team after complaint by Douglas Jardine, English captain during Bodyline Tour The people have spoken--the bastards! --Dick Tuck, After losing his campaign for the California state legislature. In "Playboy" [1974] - After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. --_The Guardian_ -- For three years the young attorney had been taking brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have been married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."  ;void(0)) BATH (ENGLAND) . . see "PLACES" for related links And of all the fine Sights I have seen, my dear Mother, I never expect to behold such another: How the ladies did giggle, and set up their clacks, All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs. Oh! ‘twas pretty to see them all put on their flannels, And then take the water like so many spaniels. And though all the while it grew hotter and hotter, They swam just as if they were hunting an otter. ‘Twas a glorious sight to behold the fair sex, All wading with *gentlemen, up to their necks, And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl, In a great smoking kettle, as big as our hall; And to-day, many persons of rank and condition Were boil’d by command of an able physician. --Christopher Anstey (1724-1805) English writer, _The New Bath Guide_, 18thC Bath,...which, more like a prison than a place of diversion, scarce gives the company room to converse out of the smell of their own excrements, and where the very city it self may be said to stink like a general common-shore. --Daniel Defoe (1660-1731) English novelist and journalist, _A Tour through the Whole Island of Great Britain_ [1724] They may say what they will, but it does one ten times more good to leave Bath than to go to it. --Horace Walpole (1717-1797) English writer and connoisseur, letter to George Montagu [22 October 1766] The Baths were like so many Bear Gardens and Modesty was entirely shut of them. People of both sexes bathing by day and Night naked; and Dogs, cats, and even human creatures were hurl'd over the rails into the water, while People were bathing in it. --John Wood (1704-1754) English architect end page | BABIES | BABIES - BALLET | BANANAS - BARTENDERS | BASEBALL | BASTARDS & BATH (ENGLAND) | BE YOURSELF - BEATLES (THE) | BEAUTY | BED - BEGINNINGS | BEHAVIOR - BELIEF | BENNY (JACK) - BEST (DO YOUR) | BETRAYAL & BIBLE | BICYCLES - BIGOTRY | BILL OF RIGHTS - BIRDS | BIRTH - BIRTHDAYS | BITTERNESS & BLAIR (TONY) | BLAME - BLOGGING | BLONDES - BOOK BURNING | BODY (THE) | BOOKS | BOOMERS (THE) - BORROWING | BOSTON & BOXING | BOYS - BREAKING UP | BREASTS - BRITAIN | BROADWAY - BUBBLES (ECONOMIC) | BUGS BUNNY - BUREAUCRACY | BURMA SHAVE - BUSYBODIES | | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The End | The Reviews | |
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