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;void(0)) . . . BABIES see "AGE" for related links see "HOME & FAMILY" for related links see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for related links You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. --Sir James Matthew Barrie (1860—1937) Scottish writer and dramatist. _Peter Pan_, act I [1928] - Of deepest blue of summer skies Is wrought the heaven of her eyes. Of that fine gold the autumns wear Is wrought the glory of her hair. Of rose leaves fashioned in the south Is shaped the marvel of her mouth. And from the honeyed lips of bliss Is drawn the sweetness of her kiss, 'Mid twilight thrushes that rejoice Is found the cadence of her voice, Of winds that wave the western fir Is made the velvet touch of her. all earth's songs God took the half To make the ripple of her laugh. I hear you ask, "Pray who is she?" — This maid that is so dear to me. "A reigning queen in Fashion's whirl?" Nay, nay! She is my baby girl. --Herbert Bashford (1871—1928) American librarian and verse writer. - Out of the mouth of babes . . . --Bible "The Book of Psalms" 8:2-5 If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,' you're the grandma. --Theresa Bloomingdale (1930—2000) American humorist and author. - I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born the doctor slapped everybody. --Phyllis Diller (1917— ) American comedian. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. --Phyllis Diller (1917— ) American comedian. - - THE FOND FATHER Of baby I was very fond, She'd won her father's heart; So when she fell into the pond It gave me quite a start. --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899] Wendell, with a thirst for gore, Nailed baby to the bathroom door. Mother said, with humor quaint, "Wendell, dear, don't chip the paint." --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899] When Baby's cries grew hard to bear, I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said: 'Dear, I'm so unhappé Our darling's now completely frappé!' --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899] - A sweet new blossom of humanity, Fresh fallen from God's own home to flower on earth. --Gerald Massey (1828—1907) English poet. "Wooed and Won" A little talcum Is always walcum. --Ogden Nash (1902—1971) American writer of humorous poetry. _Free Wheeling_ [1931] "The Baby" Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you. --Dorothy Parker (1893—1967) American critic and humorist. Wiring collect to a Mary Sherwood, who had just given birth. Quoted in Alexander Woollcott "Our Mrs. Parker" _While Rome Burns_ [1934]. Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again. --Jimmy Piersall (1929— ) American major-league baseball player. Quoted in David Lyon _Father Knows Best_, p. 86 [2008]. A baby is God's opinion that life should go on. --Carl Sandburg (1878—1967) American poet. "Remembrance Rock", ch. 2 [1948] - It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. --Elinor Goulding Smith _The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care_ [1957] All good qualities in a child are the result of environment, while all the bad ones are the result of poor heredity on the side of the other parent. --Elinor Goulding Smith _The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care_ [1957] - A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for innocence on earth, a link between angels and men. --Martin Farquhar Tupper (1810—1889) English writer. "Of Education" - If a deformed newborn baby has a cropped and inflated right ear — crazed women will seize the land. --anon., quoted in A Leo Oppenheim {ed.} _Texts From Cuneiform Sources v. 4 E. Leichty _The Omen Series: Shumma Izbu_ [1970], p.194. To babies — they will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankrolls smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for. --anon. Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24- hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. --anon. -- Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway." ----- neonate (noun) A newborn infant, especially one less than four weeks old. Synonyms: newborn, newborn baby  . . Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750) German composer of the Baroque era. see "MUSIC" for related links see "PEOPLE" for related links I prefer Offenbach to Bach often. --attributed to Sir Thomas Beecham (1879—1961) English conductor. The immortal god of harmony. --Ludwig van Beethoven (1770—1827) German composer. Letter to Breitkopf und Härtel [22 April 1801]. Bach almost persuades me to be a Christian. --Roger Fry (1866—1934) English art critic and painter. In Virginia Woolf, _Roger Fry_ [1940]. - Midi: J.S.Bach: Air from Suite No. 3 for strings . . see: "LIFESTYLE" for related links see: "MARRIAGE" The most threatened group in human societies, as in animal societies, is the unmated male: the unmated male is more likely to wind up in prison or in an asylum or dead than his mated counterpart. He is less likely to be promoted at work, and he is considered a poor credit risk. --Germaine Greer (1939— ) Australian feminist. _Sex and Destiny: The Politics of Human Fertility_ [1984] Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married too. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880—1956) American journalist and literary critic. We are a select group, without personal obligation, social encumbrance, or any socks that match. --P.J. O'Rourke (1947— ) American political satirist. _The Bachelor Home Companion_ [1987] - Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. --Helen Rowland (1875—1950) American writer. _A Guide to Men_ [1922] Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. --Helen Rowland (1875—1950) American writer. _The Rubaiyat of a Bachelor_ [1915] - . . see "HURTING (SOMEONE)" for related links My master preaches patience to him and the while His man with scissors nicks him like a fool. --William Shakespeare (1564—1616) English dramatist. _The Comedy of Errors_ V,i, 174 ;void(0)) BAGPIPES . . see "MUSIC" for related links I find that distance lends enchantment to bagpipes. --William Blezard (1921—2003) English composer. It is right well done that pilgrims have with them both singers and also pipers; that when one of them that goeth barefoot striketh his toe against a stone and hurteth him sore, and maketh him to bleed, it is well done that he or his fellow begin then a song or else take out of his bosom a bagpipe for to drive away with such mirth the hurt of his fellow; for with such solace the travail and weariness of pilgrims is lightly and merrily borne. --Desiderius Erasmus (1469—1536) Dutch humanist and theologian. _Pilgrimages to St. Mary of Walsingham and St. Thomas of Canterbury_ [1875 edn.] p. 21 These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. --Alfred Hitchcock (1899—1980) British-born film director. - "Scot Free" by Quentin Letts _The Wall Street Journal_ [8 December 2006] LONDON -- Back in 1707 the neighboring kingdoms of England and Scotland swallowed their historical differences and agreed to create the United Kingdom. Three-hundred years on a majority of Britons seem to want to undo it all. Scottish independence is suddenly on the political radar. At present it is only a faint blip but if it becomes more serious the U.S. could find one of its more reliable allies suddenly looking distinctly bifurcated. If Scotland and England go their separate ways the British would probably disappear as international diplomatic players. In medieval times the English and the Scots had little time for each other. Occasionally we English would send an army north of the border to beat up a few of the hairy-kneed, kilt-wearing "Jocks." The chief hazard in these engagements, apart from being gored by a skean-dhu dagger, was the terrible, blood-curdling skirl of Scottish bagpipes, as fiendish a noise as man has ever contrived to fashion. [ . . . ] . . see "WORK" for related links A remarkable baker was Hartz. His life imitated his arts. For every last son Was a fruitcake (each one); While his daughters were tasty young tarts. --anon. . . see: "THE BODY" ^ Aeschylus [525-426 BC], Greek poet. Some of his tragedies are the earliest complete plays surviving from ancient Greek. Aeschylus died and was buried at Gela in Sicily. Ancient biographies record the tradition that his death came about when an eagle, which had seized a tortoise and was looking to smash the reptile's shell, mistook the poet's bald head for a stone and dropped the tortoise upon him. --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ ^ George S. Kaufman: "I like your bald head Marc. It feels just like my wife's behind." Marc Connolly [feeling his head]: "So it does, George, so it does." (George S. Kaufman (1889—1961) American playwright, director, and producer, Marc Connelly (1890—1980), screenwriter) ^ There is nothing more contemptible than a bald man who pretends to have hair. --Martial [Marcus Valerius Martialis] (38/41—103) Roman poet. _Epigrams_ [86-98], bk. X, ep. 83. ^ Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895-1977) American comedian. The maître d'hôtel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. 'I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie.' 'That's all right,' said Groucho, 'don't be sorry. I remember the time when I had no pants.' 'I am sorry, sir,' repeated the man, 'you cannot enter the dining room without a necktie.' Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and yelled, 'Look! Look at him! You won't let me in without a necktie, but you let him in without his hair!' --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard [2000 ed.] (article about the maître d'hôtel) ^ ----- glabrous [GLAY-bruhs], adjective: Smooth; having a surface without hairs, projections, or any unevenness. ;void(0)) BALI . . see "PLACES" for related links We drove for three hours straight across Bali, through village after village, without passing a soul on the roads, and in some villages without seeing a single face. It was the most extraordinary sensation, like journeying in a dream through the landscape, which every sign of recent habitation, but from which every soul had vanished.... And a lovely land it is! with some twenty equally beautiful and different scenes, which repeat over and over in astonishing and unpredictable rhythms. In this inhabited end of Bali there are very few trees, only coconut palms, bamboo, and an occasional enormous tree some four or five yards in diameter when all of its extra roots are considered. One of the lovely views is an almost open plain of rice fields, a few palms and one enormous tree of this sort, squatting in a thoroughly primeval fashion in the midst of the fragile rice and slender palm stems. There are gorges, any one of which would be listed as a 'beauty spot' at home, unbelievable rough and jagged but with the rough lines all blurred by a light, coarse grass. There are the rice fields themselves, with half a dozen characteristic but different aspects — those which are almost on a level, whose principal charm is the great variation in the same texture and color as one small plot ripens an hour or a day behind the other, but all the varying shades remain with the same narrow range, and the flooded fields, which actually do mirror the sky, and the steep terraces, where the roots of each stalk stand out like sharp patterns along the edge. Up above 2,500 feet, the landscape loses almost all tropical feeling. Spare brown fields covered with bracken and edged with scanty windbreaks of very sparsely covered trees make it look like western park land. --Margaret Mead (1901—1978) American anthropologist. Letter from Oeboed, Bali [29 April 1936]. . . see "ENTERTAINMENT, HOBBIES, & LEISURE ACTIVITIES" for related links Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. --George Balanchine (1904—1983) Russian born choreographer. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. --Jack Handey (1949— ) American comedian and comedy writer. I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. --Rita Rudner (1955— ) American stand-up comedian. - I went to the ballet one day To broaden my mind in a way, But I have to admit I did not like one bit, All that dancing and prancing affray. I quite liked the ladies in frocks But the men I'm afraid gave me shocks In the tightest of tights Under theatre lights; Had they no other place for their socks? --anon. -  BANANAS . . see "FOOD & DRINK" for related links Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. --"Monty Python" (television show) ;void(0)) BANKERS | BANKS . . Photograph: The Williamsburgh Savings Bank, for decades, the tallest building in Brooklyn, New York. see "MONEY" for related links see "WORK" for related links "Never mind how I got it. Bank it." --Said to have been said by Tallulah Bankhead in 1933, when FDR called in the gold, and she showed up at the bank with a large stack of gold coins, and the teller raised his eyebrows and said, "Why, Miss Bankhead, you've been hoarding." (Tallulah Bankhead (1903—1968) American actress.) [Upon withdrawing his savings from a bank that had granted him a loan:] I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk. --Robert Benchley (1889—1945) American humorist and newspaper columnist. Quoted in Robert E. Drennan (ed.) _The Algonquin Wits_ [1968]. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. --Robert Frost (1874—1963) American poet. - [A bank executive talks to his subordinates in a staff meeting:] Levy transition fees. And maintenance fees. And fees for opening an account, closing an account, having less than three accounts, and having more than two accounts. I want to see late charges, early charges, and surcharges on other charges. I want a fee for foreign accounts, a fee for domestic accounts, and a fee for accounts subject to audits. You get the picture? Institute a contact fee, a telephone charge, a bookkeeping adjustment charge, a sinking fee, a flotation fee, and you, Nichols, go to the New York Public Library and — I don't care how long it takes — find five fees that no one has ever heard of. Look especially hard into Babylonia, the Sumerians, Byzantium, and the Holy Roman Empire. Those guys knew what they were doing, and they had balls. --Mark Helprin (1947— ) American novelist and journalist. _Memoir from Ant-Proof Case_ - [A banker is:] a man who will lend you money if you can prove to him that you don't need it. --Joe E. Lewis [Joseph Klewan] (1902—1971) American comedian. Quoted in _Washington Post_ [16 October 1944]. Will you please tell us what you do with all the Vice Presidents a bank has? I guess that's to get you more discouraged before you can see the President. Why, the United States is the biggest Business institution in the world and they only have one Vice President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do. --Will Rogers [William Penn Adair Rogers] (1879—1935) American humorist and actor. In a speech to the International Bankers Association [1922]. It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. --Willie Sutton (1901—1980) American criminal. In Quentin Reynolds _I, Willie Sutton_, ch. 5 "On My Own and Into Sing Sing" [1953]. - After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. --_The Guardian_ - Here at First National, you're not just a number — you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. --anon. A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace; To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. --anon.  BARTENDERS . . see "WORK" for related links The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. --Richard Braunstein - On the chest of a barmaid in Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille! --anon. end page | BABIES - BARTENDERS | BASEBALL | BASTARDS - BEATLES (THE) | BEAUTY | BED - BEGINNINGS | BEHAVIOR - BELIEF | BENNY (JACK) - BIBLE | BICYCLES - BIRDS | BIRTH - BITTERNESS | BLAME - BLOGGING | BLONDES - BOOK BURNING | BOOKS | BOOMERS (THE) - BOXING | BOYS - BREAKING UP | BREASTS - BRITAIN | BROADWAY - BUBBLES (ECONOMIC) | BUGS BUNNY - BUREAUCRACY | BURMA SHAVE - BUSYBODIES | | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The Reviews | |
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