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;void(0)) . . . BABIES see: "AGE" for related links see: "HOME & FAMILY" for related links see: "LOVE & MARRIAGE (OR NOT)" for related links You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. --Sir James Matthew Barrie (1860—1937) Scottish writer and dramatist. _Peter Pan_, act I [1928] - Of deepest blue of summer skies Is wrought, the heaven of her eyes. Of that fine gold the autumns wear Is wrought the glory of her hair. Of rose leaves fashioned in the south Is shaped the marvel of her mouth. And from the honeyed lips of bliss Is drawn the sweetness of her kiss, 'Mid twilight thrushes that rejoice Is found the cadence of her voice, Of winds that wave the western fir Is made the velvet touch of her. Of all earth's songs God took the half To make the ripple of her laugh. I hear you ask, "Pray who is she?" — This maid that is so dear to me. "A reigning queen in Fashion's whirl?" Nay, nay! She is my baby girl. --Herbert Bashford (1871—1928) American librarian and verse writer. "Alice" in _At the Shrine of Song_ [1909] - Out of the mouth of babes . . . --Bible "The Book of Psalms" 8:2-5 If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time'—you're the grandma. --Theresa Bloomingdale (1930—2000) American humorist and author. _Murphy Must Have Been a Mother!_ [1982] - I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born the doctor slapped everybody. --attributed to Phyllis Diller (b. 1917) American comedian. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. --attributed to Phyllis Diller (b. 1917) American comedian. - - THE FOND FATHER Of baby I was very fond, She'd won her father's heart; So when she fell into the pond It gave me quite a start. --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899] L'ENFANT GLACÉ When Baby's cries grew hard to bear, I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said: 'Dear, I'm so unhappé Our darling's now completely frappé!' --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899] Baby in the caldron fell,— See the grief on Mother’s brow; Mother loved her darling well,— Darling’s quite hard-boiled by now. --Harry Graham (1874—1936) British writer and journalist. "Baby" in _Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes_ [1899]. Wendell, with a thirst for gore, Nailed baby to the bathroom door. Mother said, with humor quaint, "Wendell, dear, don't chip the paint." --anon., Harry Graham? - When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, 'She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge.' --Helen Hayes (1900—1993) One of the most popular American stage actresses of the 20th century. In Nick Lyons _The Quotable Dad_, p. 10 [2004]. A sweet new blossom of humanity, Fresh fallen from God's own home to flower on earth. --Gerald Massey (1828—1907) English poet. "Wooed and Won" A little talcum Is always walcum. --Ogden Nash (1902—1971) American writer of humorous poetry. _Free Wheeling_ [1931] "The Baby" Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you. --Dorothy Parker (1893—1967) American critic and humorist. Wiring collect to Mary Sherwood, who had just given birth. Quoted in Alexander Woollcott _While Rome Burns_ [1934] "Our Mrs. Parker" [How to diaper a baby:] Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again. --Jimmy Piersall (b. 1929) American major-league baseball player. Quoted in David Lyon _Father Knows Best_, p. 86 [2008]. A baby is God's opinion that life should go on. --Carl Sandburg (1878—1967) American poet. "Remembrance Rock", ch. 2 [1948] - It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. --Elinor Goulding Smith _The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care_ [1957] All good qualities in a child are the result of environment, while all the bad ones are the result of poor heredity on the side of the other parent. --Elinor Goulding Smith _The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care_ [1957] - A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for innocence on earth, a link between angels and men. --Martin Farquhar Tupper (1810—1889) English writer. "Of Education" - If a deformed newborn baby has a cropped and inflated right ear — crazed women will seize the land. --anon., quoted in E. Leichty _The Omen Series: Shumma Izbu_, p. 194 [1970]. To babies — they will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankrolls smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for. --anon. Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24- hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. --anon. -- Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway." ----- neonate (noun) A newborn infant, especially one less than four weeks old.  . . see: "MUSIC" for related links see: "PEOPLE" for related links I prefer Offenbach to Bach often. --attributed to Sir Thomas Beecham (1879—1961) English conductor. The immortal god of harmony. --Ludwig van Beethoven (1770—1827) German composer. Letter to Breitkopf und Härtel [22 April 1801]. Bach almost persuades me to be a Christian. --Roger Fry (1866—1934) English art critic and painter. Quoted in Virginia Woolf, _Roger Fry_ [1940]. -  BACHELORS . . see: "LIFESTYLE" for related links see: "MARRIAGE" [Niece (Gloria Jean):] Why didn't you ever marry? [The Great Man (W.C. Fields):] I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. 'Tis the one thing I'm indebted to her for. --W. C. Fields [William Claude Dukenfield] (1880—1946) American vaudeville star and film actor. --"Never Give a Sucker an Even Break" [1941 film] Screenplay by Prescott Chaplin and John T. Neville, from a story by W. C. Fields. The most threatened group in human societies, as in animal societies, is the unmated male: the unmated male is more likely to wind up in prison or in an asylum or dead than his mated counterpart. He is less likely to be promoted at work, and he is considered a poor credit risk. --Germaine Greer (b. 1939) Australian feminist. _Sex and Destiny: The Politics of Human Fertility_ [1984] Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married too. --H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880—1956) American journalist and literary critic. _A Mencken Chrestomathy_ [1949] We are a select group, without personal obligation, social encumbrance, or any socks that match. --P.J. O'Rourke (b. 1947) American political satirist. _The Bachelor Home Companion_ [1987] - Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. --Helen Rowland (1875—1950) American writer. _The Rubaiyat of a Bachelor_ [1915] Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. --Helen Rowland (1875—1950) American writer. _A Guide to Men_ [1922] - ;void(0)) BAGPIPES . . see: "MUSIC" for related links I find that distance lends enchantment to bagpipes. --attributed to William Blezard (1921—2003) English composer. It is right well done that pilgrims have with them both singers and also pipers; that when one of them that goeth barefoot striketh his toe against a stone and hurteth him sore, and maketh him to bleed, it is well done that he or his fellow begin then a song or else take out of his bosom a bagpipe for to drive away with such mirth the hurt of his fellow; for with such solace the travail and weariness of pilgrims is lightly and merrily borne. --Desiderius Erasmus (1469—1536) Dutch humanist and theologian. _Pilgrimages to St. Mary of Walsingham and St. Thomas of Canterbury_, p. 21 [1875 edn.] These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. --attributed to Alfred Hitchcock (1899—1980) British-born film director. In medieval times the English and the Scots had little time for each other. Occasionally we English would send an army north of the border to beat up a few of the hairy-kneed, kilt-wearing "Jocks." The chief hazard in these engagements, apart from being gored by a skean-dhu dagger, was the terrible, blood- curdling skirl of Scottish bagpipes, as fiendish a noise as man has ever contrived to fashion. --Quentin Letts (b. 1963) English journalist. "Scot Free" in _The Wall Street Journal_ [8 December 2006] . . see: "OCCUPATIONS" for other related links A remarkable baker was Hartz. His life imitated his arts. For every last son Was a fruitcake (each one); While his daughters were tasty young tarts. --anon.  BALD . . see: "THE BODY" ^ Aeschylus [525—426 BC], Greek poet. Some of his tragedies are the earliest complete plays surviving from ancient Greek. Aeschylus died and was buried at Gela in Sicily. Ancient biographies record the tradition that his death came about when an eagle, which had seized a tortoise and was looking to smash the reptile's shell, mistook the poet's bald head for a stone and dropped the tortoise upon him. --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ ^ George S. Kaufman: "I like your bald head Marc. It feels just like my wife's behind." Marc Connolly [feeling his head]: "So it does, George, so it does." --unknown source (George S. Kaufman (1889—1961) American playwright, director, and producer, Marc Connelly (1890—1980), screenwriter) ^ There is nothing more contemptible than a bald man who pretends to have hair. --Martial [Marcus Valerius Martialis] (38/41—103) Roman poet. _Epigrams_ [86-98], bk. X, ep. 83. ^ Groucho [Julius Henry] Marx (1895—1977) American comedian. The maître d'hôtel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. 'I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie.' 'That's all right,' said Groucho, 'don't be sorry. I remember the time when I had no pants.' 'I am sorry, sir,' repeated the man, 'you cannot enter the dining room without a necktie.' Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and yelled, 'Look! Look at him! You won't let me in without a necktie, but you let him in without his hair!' --_Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and André Bernard [2000 ed.] ^ ----- calvous [KAL-vuhs], adjective: Lacking all or most of the hair on the head; bald. glabrous [GLAY-bruhs], adjective: Smooth; having a surface without hairs, projections, or any unevenness.  BALLET . . see: "ENTERTAINMENT, HOBBIES, & LEISURE ACTIVITIES" for related links Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. --George Balanchine (1904—1983) Russian born choreographer. "Newsweek" [1964], as quoted in Colin Jarman _The Book of Poisonous Quotes_ [1993]. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. --Jack Handey (b. 1949) American comedian and comedy writer. _Deep Thoughts_ [1992] I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. --attributed to Rita Rudner (b. 1955) American stand-up comedian. - I went to the ballet one day To broaden my mind in a way, But I have to admit I did not like one bit, All that dancing and prancing affray. I quite liked the ladies in frocks But the men I'm afraid gave me shocks In the tightest of tights Under theatre lights; Had they no other place for their socks? --anon. - . . see: "FOOD & DRINK" for related links Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. --"Monty Python" (television show) ;void(0)) BANKERS | BANKS . . see: "MONEY" for related links see: "OCCUPATIONS" for related links "Never mind how I got it. Bank it." --Attributed to Tallulah Bankhead in 1933. When FDR called in the gold she showed up at the bank with a large stack of gold coins and the teller raised his eyebrows and said, "Why, Miss Bankhead, you've been hoarding." (Tallulah Bankhead (1903—1968) American actress.) [Upon withdrawing his savings from a bank that had granted him a loan:] I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk. --Robert Benchley (1889—1945) American humorist and newspaper columnist. Quoted in Robert E. Drennan (ed.) _The Algonquin Wits_ [1968]. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. --Robert Frost (1874—1963) American poet. Quoted in "Reader's Digest", vol. 55 [1949]. To bring monetary policy to bear against inflation, the Federal Reserve [Board] discourages the lending of money by the banks. This is accomplished by raising interest rates and by increasing the banks' reserve requirements — the cash they must hold in reserve — so that they have less money to lend. --John Kenneth Galbraith (1908—2006) American economist. _A Life in Our Times: Memoirs_, ch. 22 [1981] - [A bank executive talks to his subordinates in a staff meeting:] Levy transition fees. And maintenance fees. And fees for opening an account, closing an account, having less than three accounts, and having more than two accounts. I want to see late charges, early charges, and surcharges on other charges. I want a fee for foreign accounts, a fee for domestic accounts, and a fee for accounts subject to audits. You get the picture? Institute a contact fee, a telephone charge, a bookkeeping adjustment charge, a sinking fee, a flotation fee, and you, Nichols, go to the New York Public Library and — I don't care how long it takes — find five fees that no one has ever heard of. Look especially hard into Babylonia, the Sumerians, Byzantium, and the Holy Roman Empire. Those guys knew what they were doing, and they had balls. --Mark Helprin (b. 1947) American novelist and journalist. _Memoir From Antproof Case_ [1995] - [A banker is:] a man who will lend you money if you can prove to him that you don't need it. --Joe E. Lewis [Joseph Klewan] (1902—1971) American comedian. Quoted in _Washington Post_ [16 October 1944]. Will you please tell us what you do with all the Vice Presidents a bank has? I guess that's to get you more discouraged before you can see the President. Why, the United States is the biggest Business institution in the world and they only have one Vice President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do. --Will Rogers [William Penn Adair Rogers] (1879—1935) American humorist and actor. In a speech to the International Bankers Association [1922]. It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. --Willie Sutton (1901—1980) American criminal. In Quentin Reynolds _I, Willie Sutton_, ch. 5 "On My Own and Into Sing Sing" [1953]. - After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. --_The Guardian_ [5 November 1999] - Here at First National, you're not just a number — you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. --anon. A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace; To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. --anon. . . see: "OCCUPATIONS" for related links The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. --attributed to Richard Braunstein - On the chest of a barmaid in Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille! --anon. end page | BABIES - BARTENDERS | BASEBALL | BASTARDS - BEATLES (THE) | BEAUTY | BED - BEGINNINGS | BEHAVIOR - BELIEF | BENNY (JACK) - BIBLE | BICYCLES - BIRDS | BIRTH - BITTERNESS | BLAME - BLOGGING | BLONDES - BOOK BURNING | BOOKS | BOOMERS (THE) - BOXING | BOYS - BREAKING UP | BREASTS - BRITAIN | BROADWAY - BROTHERLY LOVE | BUGS BUNNY - BUREAUCRACY | BURMA SHAVE - BUSYBODIES | | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | | Return Home | The Credits | The Cast | Act 1 | Act 2 | Act 3 | The Reviews | |
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