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AUSTRALIA

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see "PLACES" for related links


It [Australia] has more things that will kill you than anywhere
else. Of the world's ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian.
... If you are not stung or pronged to death in some unexpected
manner, you may be fatally chomped by sharks or crocodiles, or
carried out to sea by some unexpected currents, or left to stagger
to death in the baking outback. It's a tough place.
--Bill Bryson (1951— )
American writer of humorous travel books.
_In a Sunburned Country_ [2000]

We wish no harm to England's native people. We are here
to bring you good manners, refinement and an opportunity
to make "Koompartoo," a fresh start.
--Burnum Burnum [Harry Penrith] (1936—1997)
Australian political activist.
(On 26 January 1988, the year of Australia's bicentenary -
after planting an Aboriginal flag on the white cliffs of
Dover and "claiming" England for the Aboriginal people.)

^

[Patrick Garland, of his friend Rex Harrison]:

I often received wonderfully abusive postcards.
There was one from Australia, where he was
on tour with a Freddie Lonsdale comedy, with
pictures of curious Antipodean marsupials,
koalas, wombats, kangaroos, platypi, all
looking extremely odd. 'You think these
are peculiar,' he had scrawled, 'wait until
you see the people.'

--in _The Best After-Dinner Stories_
Selected and introduced by Tim Heald [2003]

^

I don't despair about the cultural scene
in Australia because there isn't one to
despair about.
--Sir Robert Helpmann (1909—1986)
Australian ballet dancer.
[2 May 1969]

-

How does the Australian concept of space differ from
that of the U.S.? Americans have this contrary myth
of space, because to them, space is freedom. It's the
whole "Go West, young man" philosophy. You got to
it and discover paradise. In colonial Australia, space
itself was a prison. You walk across the country, find
nothing, then die. So Australians don't associate large
space with freedom and opportunity the way Americans
do. It's a totally different social myth.
--Robert Hughes (1938— )
Australian art critic and author.
Interview about his TV program
"Australia: Beyond the Fatal Shore."


Australia is not, to me, a picturesque little country
full of cute marsupials at the end of the world. What
I'm interested in is a really live, complex, in some
ways difficult, country which I think has attained
a very high level of social intelligence and
civilization at its best
--Robert Hughes (1938— )
Australian art critic and author.

-

Earth is here [Australia] so kind, that just tickle her
with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.
--Douglas Jerrold (1803—1857)
English playwright and journalist.
_A Land of Plenty_

The best way to see Darwin is from 20,000 feet
in the air, on the way to Paris.
--Paul Keating (1944— )
24th Prime Minister of Australia [1993—1996].

In a way Australia is like Catholicism. The company
is sometimes questionable and the landscape is
grotesque. But you always come back.
--Thomas Keneally (1935— )
Australian novelist.
In "Woman's Day" [4 July 1983].

Western Australia: weird land, marvellous blue sky,
clear air pure and untouched.
--D.H. (David Herbert) Lawrence (1885—1930)
English novelist and poet.
Letter to S.S. Koteliansky [20 May 1922].

My advice to any young Australian writer whose
talents have been recognised would be to go
steerage, stow away, swim, and seek London,
Yankeeland or Timbucktoo — rather than stay in
Australia till his genius turned to gall or beer.
Or failing this — and still in the interests of
human nature and literature — to study elementary
anatomy, especially as applies to the cranium,
and then shoot himself carefully with the aid
of a looking glass.
--Henry Lawson (1867—1922)
Australian writer and poet.

I'm sick of fog and yellow gloom,
Of faces strange, and alien eyes,
Your London is a vault, a tomb,
To those born 'neath Australian skies.
O land of gold and burning blue,
I'm crying like a child for you!
--Dorothy Frances McCrae

-

[...] This is not to say that I dislike birds in general. For the most
part, I find them to be interesting and even entertaining. From time
to time, my wife, Bun, and I have gone to great trouble and risk in
order to see and record the sighting of what to us at least was a
rare and unusual specimen. Once, in Australia, we drove nearly
a thousand miles to a lake for the purpose of observing the avian
life that abounded there, at least according to our guidebook.
When we arrived at what we thought was the place, only a sandy
basin confronted us. We stopped at a nearby country store to
ask proper directions to the lake. The lady at the store explained
that we had indeed found the right place but the lake was dry.

"You should have come after a wet," she said. "All kinds of
birds here then."

"When was the last wet?" Bun asked.

"Seven years ago."

--Patrick F. McManus (1933— )
American humorist who writes about the outdoors.
_How I Got This Way_ [1994]

-

It is a curious but remarkable fact that everywhere in
the Australian colonies the Colonials waste very little
love on Englishmen, even though they are their first
cousins. It is only fair to add that, if this sentiment
is widespread, it is clearly the fault of the latter.
Englishmen think of the colonials as an inferior race.
--Edward da Meslee, 1876

To get on in Australia, you must make two observations. Say,
'You have the most beautiful bridge in the world' and 'They
tell me you trounced England again in the cricket.' The first
statement will be a lie. Sydney Bridge [sic] is big, utilitarian
and the symbol of Australia, like the Statue of Liberty or the
Eiffel Tower. But it is very ugly. No Australian will admit this.
(On the Sydney Harbour Bridge.)
--James Michener (1907—1997)
American author and winner of the
1948 Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
_Return to Paradise_ [1951]

-

There is a strange quality in the Australian landscape.
To a European and especially an English eye it is, at
first, lacking in freshness and greenness; the light
is too harsh, the trees too thin and sparse, the
ground too hard and there are no soft outlines
anywhere. Desiccation seems to be the theme, a
pitiless drying-out of all sap and moisture, and
monotonous is the favourite adjective for the bush:
monotonous and therefore worthless. It is a country
for the ants.

But then on closer acquaintance one begins to perceive
that, very silently and slowly, life is going on here at
another level: the embattled young sapling that looks
so gnarled and old is full of strength, its tiny flowers
are a gay miniature of larger flowers, and its leaves,
when burnt or crushed, release a smell as pungent as
a lemon's. Dead fallen trees, it is true, give a graveyard
appearance to the ground and the prevailing colour of
the scrub is greenish grey. But then unexpectedly a
flock of pink galahs will perch on the bare branches, or
one catches sight of the wattle in flower and it is more
gold than gold can ever be, a clear leaping colour in a
field of grey. The bell-bird's single note is a small
bell sounding against utter silence, and the fungus,
pushing up through the cracked brown clay, is a dome
of bright scarlet.

These things, however, have to be discovered. Nothing
is at once revealed. You must walk for miles alone and
gradually the feel of the bush begins to seep into the
mind, its immense stillness and quietness; and out of
that austerity it is a wonderful thing to see a wild
animal start up and bound away, or to come on a group
of herons fishing in a water-hole. There is nothing
menacing in the bush—even the snakes will always
avoid you if they can—and nearly always overhead
there is the pale blue sky. Like the bush itself it
has a kind of implacable indifference but it is not
oppressive. One feels very well in this dry air.

--Alan Moorhead,
_The Fatal Impact: The Invasion of the South Pacific 1767-1840_ [1966]

-

New Zealanders who leave for Australia
raise the IQ of both countries.
--Sir Robert Muldoon (1921—1992)
Prime Minister of New Zealand [1975—1984].

You could tell this was genuine Perth and Freemantle
high society because hardly anybody yelled, "G'day,
Mate!" They yelled, "Ciao, Mate" instead.
--P.J. O'Rourke (1947— )
American political satirist.

Adelaide takes a lot of pride in the purity of its
origins. This was not a penal settlement so there
were never any convicts here. No Irish settlers
ever came here and there was no invasion of American
servicemen to corrupt us here during the war. You
see, Adelaide was founded by, and is still run by,
a lot of religious Scotsmen--when I said that to an
American visitor the other day he interrupted me
with, 'Good God, not as bad as that!'
--Sir Thomas Playford IV (1896—1981)
Premier of South Australia [1938-1965].
In Jonathan Aitken's _Land of Fortune_ [1971].

Where the hell is Australia anyway?
--Britney Spears (1981— )
American pop singer.

Approaching Adelaide we dismounted from the
train, as the French say, and were driven
in an open carriage over the hills and along
their slopes to the city. It was an excursion
of an hour or two, and the charm of it could
not be overstated, I think. The road wound
around the gaps and gorges, and offered all
varieties of scenery and prospect — mountains,
crags, country homes, gardens, forests, colour,
colour, colour everywhere and the air fine and
fresh, the skies blue and not a shred of cloud
to mar the downpour of the brilliant sunshine.
And finally the mountain gateway opened and the
immense plain lay spread out below and stretching
away into the dim distances, on every hand soft
and delicate and dainty and beautiful. On its
near edge reposed the city.
--Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] (1835—1910)
American humorist, novelist, journalist, and river pilot.
_Following the Equator_ [1897]
(On his 1895 visit to Adelaide.)

I am sick of all this horrid business of politics,
and Europe in general, and I think you will hear
me going with the children to live in Australia,
and think of Europe as the Moon!
--Queen Victoria (1819—1901)
Queen of the United Kingdom [1837-1901].
Letter to her daughter [1859].

Most of the trade between Port Augusta and the
Australian interior is plied along the narrow Stuart
Highway by terrifying, thundering "road trains."
These are linked caravans of two or maybe three
huge trucks pulled by just one engine, whose
driver has probably been up all night, fueled only
by greasy steak sandwiches "with the lot" (onions,
cheese, tomato, bacon, fried eggs, you name it,
all oozing with ketchup and evil yellow mustard)
from the occasional wooden roadhouses. The
trucks rock your car with shock waves as they
rip past you. They are death to kangaroos, and
gray-furred flesh periodically smears the road,
picked at by huge, black, wedge-tailed eagles.
Even a full-sized kangaroo won't make much of
a dent in a road train. But if you're in a regular
car, you'd better not drive at dusk or dawn when
the 'roos are on the move. Evolution hasn't had
time yet to equip them with road sense. They'll
lurk in the scrub by the roadside and then leap
into your path without warning. Hit one, and it
could well be the death of you, too.
--Gabrielle Walker
_Snowball Earth: The Story of the great global catastrophe
that spawned life as we know it_ [2003]

-

Algernon:
I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit.
He has no taste in neckties at all.

Cecily:
I don't think you will require neckties.
Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.

Algernon:
Australia! I'd sooner die.

--Oscar Wilde (1854—1900)
Anglo-Irish dramatist and poet.
_The Importance of Being Earnest_ [1895], Act II

-

By God what a site! By man what a mess!
(Of Sydney.)
--Clough Williams-Ellis (1883—1978)
British architect.
_Architect Errant_ [1971]

Australia is the flattest, driest, ugliest place on earth.
Only those who can be possessed by her can know what
secret beauty she holds.
--Eric Willmot (1936— )
Australian author.
_Australia The Last Experiment_ [1987]

-

A very old Aboriginal man was showing us around Uluru
(Ayers Rock) It was the first time he had visited the
rock since his childhood [he had lived in a cave], as
he dislikes the idea of *tourists* there. He couldn't
speak English but my work-mate Neil was translating.

It is a culturally sensitive site, well managed by the
traditional owners and we came across a sign which stated
in several languages Please Do Not Photograph Here -
Sacred Site. I watched as a group of (German) tourists
got themselves into also sorts of positions to furiously
snap this *site* with as much discretion as they could
muster- and I felt a little sad that there was so little
respect being shown.

It was then that I noticed the old man cackling away and
whispering something in Pitjantjatjara to Neil who joined
in the mirth. The translation relayed to me was... "That
isn't a sacred site at all...it's right behind us...no sign no
nothing." A smart bit of tourist *psychology* I thought!
It wasn't even given an idle glance.

--the "Aussie Ladies", alt.quotations

-

Australians are still influenced by their
convict past. Everyone wants to escape.
That's why, wherever you go in the world
you find Australians.
--An Australian on BBC Radio 4's "Today" [2002]

--

Australia: Where men are men and sheep are nervous.



Click picture to ZOOM
AUSTRALIA (CULTURE)

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Let others refrain from ridiculing our culture, of
which the meat pie and a beer are traditional parts.
--Alderman Calpis, Sydney City Council [1974]

Sport is the ultimate super-religion, the one thing every Australian
believes in passionately. Not to be keen on sport is, therefore,
unclean, unmanly, even homosexual and definitely contrary to the
ethics and super-religion of the nation.
--Keith Dunstan, "Knockers"

In Australia, sport is often a violent affair, and this is reflected
in the fact that the term SPORT can also be used in an aggressive
form: 'Where do you think you're going, eh SPORT?'
--Bill Hornadge, _Australian Slanguage_

-

Australia's larrikin culture based on mateship and booze is
fading under the assault of US television shows.

I met a kid the other day who had never heard of a schemozzle
(brawl, commotion or muddle) ... another bloke at the pub
called me buddy and I said, 'it's mate.'

--Richard Magoffin,
historian [June 2004]

-

The inhabitants [of Melbourne] looked as if they had been clothed in
some gigantic relief operation carried out in the dark.
(In 1973.)
--Robert Morley (1908—1992)
English actor.

-

There is a terrifying crudity in the manners
and intellect of the masses (of Australians),
whose intellectual interests seem almost
entirely limited to the study of the racing
form.
--John D. Pringle (1912-1999)
England-born Australian journalist.
_Australian Accent_ [1958]


If their culture is to be judged by the general
standard of education and the arts among the
population, once again it must be said that
Australia has little or none. Indeed, there
is a terrifying crudity in the manners and
pursuits of the masses.
--John D. Pringle (1912-1999)
England-born Australian journalist.
_Australian Accent_ [1958]

-

It's a bit like Melbourne's old-fashioned trams. Nobody wants to
ride them, but they're a part of our heritage, and we love to hear
them rattling down the streets just like always. It's the same with
the bush. We want to know there are still people out there leading
those picturesque 'Clancy of the Overflow' kinds of lives, even
though it's something we'd never do ourselves.
--Bernard Salt, in "The Real Man From Snowy River,"
_National Geographic_ [August 2004]

--

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."




AUSTRALIA (FOOD)

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The food in public places in Australia would shock
the traveller used to Ireland or the Deep South.
Even dealing with the potato is beyond the
culinary resources of an Australian hotel.
--Professor D.W. Brogan of Cambridge
(1947) in The Ugly Australian [1976]

We're happy little Vegemites, as bright as bright can be,
We all enjoy our Vegemite for breakfast lunch and tea.
Our Mummy says we're growing stronger every single week,
Because we love our vegemite, we all adore our Vegemite -
It puts a rose in ebery cheek!
--Alan Weeks, "We're Happy Little Vegemites"

Another great antipodean delicacy is called
the Lamington. Allegedly named after the man
who broke the world record for running from
Sydney to Perth carrying a dog, the Lamington
is a delicious sponge square dipped in melted
chocolate and desiccated coconut which
progresses through the digestive tract
with all the ease of a building block.
--The Bulletin (13 Jan 1981)

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quokka (noun)
A small short-tailed wallaby that lives in large colonies.
Native to: islands off the coast of Western Australia.





AUSTRALIA (LANGUAGE)

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The repetitive nature of Australian vulgarism has had the
important effect of robbing many allegedly objectionable
words ..of their taint of indecency. Offensive they may
still be at times but much depends on the tone of voice
in which they are spoken. *Bastard* and *bugger* are
frequently used as terms of genial or even affectionate
address between men. The fact that Australian women
also use the four Bs widely is additional evidence that
they are becoming innocuous.
--Sidney J. Baker (1912-1976)
New Zealand-born journalist.
_The Australian Language_ [1945]

The Australian language...has a vocabulary of about six words.
There's "g'day", which means "hello". There's "mate", which is
a folksy combination of "excuse me, sir" and "hey you". There's
"good on ya", which means "that's nice" and "fair dinkum", which
doesn't mean much of anything. Australian does have, howevever,
more synonyms for vomit than any other non-Slavic language. For
example, "liquid laughter", "technicolor yawn", "growling in the
grass", and "planting beets".
--P.J. O'Rourke (1947— )
American political satirist.
_Holidays in Hell_ [1988] "At Sea with the America's Cup"

My personal standpoint when I'm representing
Australia at a high level overseas is, in a
nutshell, if they don't talk English they can
go f*** themselves.
--Sir Les Patterson
Fictitious Australian cultural attache, created by Barry Humphries.
"Cultural Attach้ for the Yartz, The Traveller's Tool"

-

He'd drink the piss from a brewer's horse.
--Aussie vernacular

-

"Buckley's chance (hope)" means almost no hope at
all.

It is thought to be derived from convict escaped from
Port Phillip (later settled as Melbourne) exploration
party in 1803, William Buckley. He lived with the
aborigines for about thirty years until the European
settlement was established there and he turned up.
Another possibility is that it comes from "Buckley
and Nunn", an early Melbourne retailing firm. The
phrase was sometimes, "You've got Buckley's chance
or none."

--

Interesting web sites:

http://www.ozbird.com/oz/OzCulture/oz_culture/default.htm
http://www.imagesaustralia.com/wattle.htm

-----

billabong (noun) ['bi-l๊-bang]
1: A waterhole near a stream filled only during floods.
2: A part of a river or creek that dries up after the rainy season.

dinkum (noun) ['ding-k๊m]
Genuine, honest person or thing.
Fair dinkum is "the real stuff, the truth."
The original meaning in Australia was "hard or honest work"
according to _Baker's Dictionary of Australian Slang_.

furphy (noun) ['f๊(r)-fi ]
Rumor; a fanciful or apocryphal story.

grouse (adj.) ['graws]
(noun) A bird of the family Tetraonidae, such as
the red grouse or ruffed grouse.
(verb) To grumble a complaint.
(Adjective-colloquial in Australian and New Zealand)
Excellent, great, bonzer.

mardy (adj.) ['mahr-dee]
(Dialectal, slang) Spoilt, sulky, whinging (['win-jing]-that's
"whining" to North Americans). In the northern counties
and Midlands of Great Britain, and in Australia and New
Zealand, it is also used to refer to someone who's easily
scared or upset.

pukka (adj.) ['p๊-k๊]
Authentic, solid, well built or constructed.
(Its antonym is cutcha "temporary, shoddy, ramshackle.")

wowser (noun) [waw-z๊(r)]
Regional colloquialism (Australia and New Zealand). A puritanical
fanatic, a prudish teetotaler; a killjoy and party-pooper all rolled
into one.
Etymology: Today's word is widely supposed to have originated in the
acronym of W(e) O(nly) W(ant) S(ocial) E(vils) R(emedied), a slogan
invented by John Norton (1862-1916), an Australian journalist and
politician. However, very few words have evolved from acronyms and
then only quite recently. It is probably from British dialectal wow "to
make a complaint; whine" but etymologists are not sure.


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